Tips to Survive that Empty Nest

Tips for surviving empty nest “syndrome”:

• Admit, if only to yourself, you are secretly happy they are moving out. For me it was a sign of a job well done. All my kids went to college, survived high school (mostly unscathed). I had prepared them the best I could and hadn’t I been complaining for at least 20 years about how loud the house was?
• I have five kids. I did wave goodbye while holding back tears five times in the course of six years. At least one, if not all of these kids said “so now you will become the cat lady”. I loudly reminded them that no more kids, no more pets. Ok, so now I have three dogs and four cats. Most of them taken in after a kid left for college. 

• Remind your kids that the tears are that of happiness for them doing such a great job and that you have a life, social life, hobbies and things to do.
• When they leave, retire to your bathroom and close the door. Breathe so the anxiety of “what the hell am I going to do now without 5, 4, 3, 2 or 1 kid(s) at home” can sink in.
• I found this one on the internet: “consider applying for a sabbatical – a year in Paris, Rome, Vienna. You’re a free agent now, why not? Then remember that you are not, in fact, a professor”. I’ll only add to this that while they have left for college, they are coming back, even if it is only for a break or to steal food from your fridge.
• Go to sleep at 10 p.m. There is no one here to make fun of you. Turn on the movie that they did make fun of you for watching (for instance I have never seen Lion King in its entirety – so I bought it and watched it).
• Don’t freak out when you wake up at 2 a.m. wondering where "that kid is"
• Do refrain from texting or calling “the kid” or worse seeing them on FB and asking, “what are you doing? Why are up? Don’t you have class?”
• Date younger men but keep it within a gap – say a minimum of five years older than your oldest kid.
• Date older men but keep it within a gap – say a minimum of five years younger than your father.
• Practice living in the moment. Give that up and admit that would take serious prescription drugs for you to live in the moment. Make a note to call psycho-pharmacologist.
• Decide to make plans instead: Tennis lessons, wine-tasting classes, lectures at the Y, theater tickets, foreign language immersion. Quickly realize that the only person more over-scheduled than you is an Upper East Side toddler.
• This is a big one - Rejoice that you no longer have to cook a healthy dinner every night. Oh hell, who cooks healthy every night, rejoice that you DO NOT HAVE TO COOK. Eat chocolate fudge brownie ice cream in bed while watching re-runs of Law and Order. Wash it down with red wine and feel virtuous that you are getting your anti-oxidants.
• Face cold hard fact that if this continues you will weigh 500 pounds. Vow to eat more healthily. Buy a plethora of locally-grown fruits, vegetables and antibiotic-free lean white meat. Forget that you are only feeding one. Throw half of it out a week later.
• Log on to kids college website where there is a live webcam trained on the quad that makes anyone walking by appear to be a worker ant. Wonder if one of those ants is your kid. When someone at work catches you at this for the, oh, fifteenth time, explain that you are doing wild life research. Make a note to close office door before sixteenth time.
• Most importantly - Get a life – you did your job AND remember, they are 18 and you can’t get arrested, ticketed or in trouble for something they do