I had an eye-opening experience this weekend. I have looked into this topic before; had small conversations with my kids about it and even sent notes telling them I was sorry. Something/someone slapped me in the face this weekend that I was participating in a form of mental torture for my kids about my divorce. In my mind, I balanced it with the fact that I was looking out for them; that I cared; that I was being honest.
Honest? and Honestly? I was doing none of that. My hurt and devastation and core belief system is and was so messed up that all I wanted was someone on my side. Who better than my five kids. Right WRONG.
I was always the more verbal, animated and stressful one in the marriage. My ex-husband was quiet, calm, and kept his feelings to himself. In marriage it worked a good balance. In divorce, it just set me off. His quiet and calm sent me swirling. Who was my support system? I didn't have one. I went to my kids. Surely, they would understand, they had watched everything their whole lives so they could offer insight, advice, opinions and information.
Each of my kids were born out of love, not just by me but both of us. I was dubbed Mega-Mom. I thought it was a joke, found out it was not, and then have come to learn from it and love it. I am Mega-Mom. I spent my life protecting, loving and fiercely looking after my kids. I protected them while letting them learn. I protected them from their first breath until... I have come to realize, that I protected them from everyone but me.
Truth is, I sort of felt like if I spewed everything to my kids, they would take my side. I didn't want them to hate their dad. Hell, I still call him and say "this kid is having this issue, could you please check in with them". I just wanted someone on my side. Someone to say this is horrible, how could this happen, you are so loved, you are great, is he stupid? I wanted my pity party to be validated and who better than the people who sent me cards saying I was the Greatest Mom on Earth, once a year?
So I talked of past issues; past behaviors; new encounters for me; hell I even have gone so far as to talk about marital sex. I've called him all kinds of names; laid out his private issues and fights and struggles. I've called him all kinds of names. What is worse is I have grilled them for information. What did he say? Why didn't he respond? Did you tell him I said "xyz"? Nothing? Oh so he asked how I was? You know he doesn't really care? He cooked? Really? Come on, he doesn't know how to do that. What did y'all watch? What did he give you? Where did you go. The list goes on and on.
I became and have been the person whose eyes I would have ripped from their socket if I found out they were doing that to my kid. Why? How the hell did I forget my job? How the hell did I forget everything I taught them? How the hell did I forget that despite anything that happened in 27 years, HE is their DAD, and he is and was a great dad?!?
So this is not for my ex...I don't know if I can refrain from spewing for awhile, but this is for my kids:
I will try hard, harder and my hardest to do the following:
1. Keep any negativity toward my ex-husband to myself or my adult, non-children support system;
2. Remember that my ex-husband is your FATHER, your DAD, your DADDY and you and he deserve that; he worked hard at it and is good at it;
3. That our personal lives, mine and my ex-husbands, are just that and if we tell you it is because you asked, not because I want you to announce it or even keep it a secret but because it was out of interest and that you are not looking for details but knowledge that life has not ended and the dark hole is not too deep;
4. That stories or events that happened out of your ear range and eyesight from age 0 to our divorce was done on purpose so those stories do not need to be told now; they serve no purpose and hurt you and in the end hurt me, so they will stay where they belong, in the messy box that was my marriage;
5. Respect your feelings, thoughts and emotions. How hard this must be on each of you, even if you have reconciled it. Just because you are grown and I am single does not mean I get to forget my passion as your Mother and get to put my feelings ahead of yours.
What I ask from you? I was going to say nothing but here it is:
1. Be my child;
2. Remind me you are my child and are here to support me but not be my support system or ear;
3. That you love me AND you love your dad;
4. Remind me when my toe touches up to the line of crossing boundaries even if I am happy, drunk, sober, hurting, angry, or down in the dumps;
5. Remember, I am grieving and in a position that you have never been in and am doing what I can to learn and that I am sorry; and
6. Here is the really important part, I LOVE YOU, for you, for the you WE raised you to be, for who you have become and for who you still have to grow too.
All my love,
Mega-Mom
No comments:
Post a Comment