*&@^&!$@ - only because I don't have a better title!

I spent a good deal of my life with the “because I said so” attitude.  Not just BY me but TO me. 

As a result, I know now, that I am this person that cannot understand fully a situation or answer unless I have a reason that logically makes sense in my head.  Even when I have put my own thoughts or feelings on someone else, part of my brain desires an answer and one that makes sense to ME and to what I am feeling or thinking. 

The hardest part I have had with my divorce has been the changing stories over the reason for the divorce.  See, there was a plan for when the last kid left.  There were discussions over how could people just walk away from a 20+ marriage.  Then it happened.

The disassociation signs were there but 1) I was on lots of medication after a major depressive episode so I couldn’t see it; and 2) I didn’t want to see it. 

Putting the signs aside, hell the signs over the course of 27 years, the reason(s) given made no sense.  Other people have stayed together.  They weathered abuse; extra marital affairs; money issues; and laundry lists of other things.  Why? 

I want to list all of the “reasons” that were given to me here.  I have even typed them three times.  Typing them makes me mad because they even seem more nonsensical in writing. 

Again, I went to the “Almighty Google”.  I’ve read about five hundred stories on “why my marriage…” (insert dissolved; broke down; ended – all the words fit).  None of those stories, today, help.  They are excuses.  As I type, the first thing that popped into my head was the song “What hurts the most”.  Oh it is a great song.  Sad!  It sums up the hurt – NOT. 

What I want is an honest answer.  I want an honest appraisal of 27 years of my life.   I want an honest reason.  Am I ready for that?  HELL NO.  Is it what I want?  HELL YES.  Will it help?  Probably not, maybe…

So what now?  TRY…try to:

·         Not over think.  It diminishes the value of my life and what has been accomplished. 

·         Accept.  Accept blame, fault, faults, good times, change. 

·         Love.  Love life.  Love myself. 

·         Let go of the hate.  Easy to say, hard to do. 

·         Realize.  Realize there is no real answer.  Things change; life changes; love changes; people change and as a friend recently told me “I don’t need to explain why I feel the way I do, I just do feel that way”. 

So what do I do today?  Today, I write; I think; I bug my support system; I bare my soul; I do what I want and try and not over think, and to accept, and love, and let go and realize.   Most of all, I remind myself that it is ok to want but when I don’t get it I have to try and…wait for it…not over think, and to accept, and love, and let go and realize.