Desktop background

I spend an awful amount of time at my computer, whether I am on Facebook, reading articles, writing, listening to music or actually working.  For a long time now, when I sit at my computer, anxiety wells up. 

Today, I had to restart my computer because windows had 43 updates to do.  Right before it shut off, the computer background came into focus.  It was a picture of my entire family, ex-husband included, from 2011.  My stomach flipped, flopped and then I felt ready to vomit.  2011:  my 20^th wedding anniversary; the year my undiagnosed twins graduated high school; the year… (Insert memory). 

I changed the background picture, even though it was one of my favorites of all the kids but as I type, my hands are still shaking.  Why? 

A quiz I took on Tiny Buddha says it is because I am “stuck in the past”.  That I am “fixating on mistakes of the past which are lowering my self-esteem”.  I like that answer.  Not sure how accurate it is but it is a start.  I had a friend tell me that an issue he saw, was that I was taking the time and trying to recreate or insert the past into that day.  I countered that the past was a shared history, and not that bad of one, that it was a cornerstone we had and I wasn’t trying to recreate the past but build on it.  Today, I realized that IS exactly what I was doing.  Good, bad or indifferent I have spent the better part of my life telling myself I was building on an issue; a memory; a problem; a feel good moment when what I have really been doing is trying to recreate it.  I had a flashing thought of “how sad because I either missed out or ruined some wonderful moments or opportunities”.  My initial reaction after that was “how do I fix it”.  As I type, think and feel, I know that is the wrong reaction.  I can’t fix it.  I can only stop IT.  What happens after I stop “it” will be to let myself capitalize on “it”.  Whatever the “it” is, whoever the “it” is, wherever the “it” is, my goal is to capitalize on that and stop fixating on the past.  Wish me luck!