My first thought was “what the
hell am I supposed to do with that?”
Seriously, you spend 27 years with someone – that has to mean something
right? You have built careers, a home,
had kids, celebrated and stayed despite…
Then it ends.
Forget the “Stages of Grief”,
those are the obvious. What is hidden
beneath is the mental abuse you put yourself through. How bad was it really? Am I that unlovable? What if I had gone left instead of right back
in 19__? Did we stay together because of
the kids? Did we stay together because
we were lazy? Was our marriage
lazy? My mental abuse questions can go
on and on, but you get the idea.
Therapist, blogs and articles on the World Wide Web, try and tell you
various aspects of advice on this issue.
Ultimately, they all seem to lead back to saying something like: remember your self-worth; focus on you;
rediscover yourself; focus on the future; relive just enough to not make the
same mistakes again.
Not helpful. Really…not helpful! Where is the article that says: Stop mentally abusing yourself over why he
left, they were his reasons? Where is
the article that says: So what if you
stayed together for the kids, the kids made you happy and when they were gone
it is time to find something else to make you happy? Where is the article that says: He left because he is a fuckwad?
If you see any of those articles,
the critical acclaim is “oh look how bitter they are”. Reality check, when a major life change
happens to you - You Are Entitled to be
Bitter if You Want! What you do with
that bitterness is another story.
Another really annoying “search
result” is the advice on how to make your marriage better so you don’t head for
divorce. Before the separation, those
articles encouraged me. Then those
articles depressed me. Then I went
through a stage of blame and what-if’s?
Now, they sort of make me snort/laugh.
So you date, you have something
in your life that makes you declare love; you get married; you build; you have
kids; kids leave and then what? What if
you tried, even half-heartedly, at every marriage builder? I saw a meme that said “Love is both a noun
and a verb”. Again, I thought “what the
hell do I do with that?”
The reality is that most couples
spend their marriage hiding from each other.
They hide for many reasons: Past baggage, shame, hurt, narcissism,
self-preservation, pop culture, kids, parents, siblings, work, finances…the
list goes on and on. So the articles
that I snort/laugh at are sort of on the right track but if you are not open to
them in your own mind they make zero difference and the longevity of your
marriage diminishes the value of your marriage – if you’re still married or now
divorced.
Does the longevity of your
marriage diminish the value of your marriage?
My answer, it all depends on whether you let it. Some days I choose to let it and other times
I remember that only I have control over how diminishing the value of my
marriage is/was.
My point? Well 1) I like to hear myself talk and talk
about what is bothering me; 2) I’m tired of feeling humiliated, sorry for
myself and shame over the last 27 years of my life. If nothing else (and there were good “else’s”)
I had five children who were born out of love – both the noun and verb – who have
grown into individual; smart; intelligent; productive; loving; beautiful
(inside and out) children.
No comments:
Post a Comment