Hanging in and hanging on....

I had these great elaborate plans to post after the reunion and then some health issues came up.

I had these great elaborate plans to post how I am working hard to untangle the "knot" of 28 years and instead I picked up the phone and talked, cried, scream, yelled, cussed, talked and...well....

I had these great elaborate plans to do so much but then this weekend it hit me:

Many of my facebook posts over the years have talked about how much I did in a day and asked what productivity was.

Well, I was productive alright - I got it all done and more - I put many of people to shame with my lists.  But what I didn't do was slow down; rest; listen; talk; LISTEN; and just be.  I'm not talking about the all new rage of mindfulness - I mean just be...like accepting it is ok to sit and watch Netflix all day long.  Or to take a 2 hour walk; or read a book until 3 a.m. knowing you still had to get up the next day.  To spend 2 hours having coffee or talking to your kid no matter how old they are.  To call a friend up and have an actual conversation.  I was productive in all the right ways but the wrong ways too.

So productive - FUCK YEAH I have been productive over the years - but here is the kicker...the next 30 plus years will be about being productive for me; productive in a way that suits my tastes; productive in a way defined by me and not the world around me or the responsibilities - real or imagined.  Productive in a way that helps me grow, love, learn and be there - in the here and now - for people.

So here is to realizing how much potential I have even if the most productive thing I do in a day is clean out the cat box and hit "yes" on the Netflix message of "are you sure you want to continue watching".  

***no dig on my own five kids; all the other kids I carted around for years and had flying marshmallow camp outs with - it is just my time, I was there for your time!

I am worthy! ;

Even though I knew there were major things wrong, my marriage felt healthy compared to the life I grew up with and the life my ex-husband grew up with.  I couldn’t and still have a hard time not seeing that I was a failure at marriage rather than my marriage failed. 

Somehow, soon after I said I do, I lost myself and my sense of self.  Oh it was still there when it had to be but when it came to me and my ex-husband or me and my marriage it was gone.  I felt crazy, all the time.  “I said I was getting ready to leave work, not I was leaving work” and so dinner was late or burned or dryed out; “I told you…”; “I did this because you did that”.  “I’m too tired to talk about this”; “I don’t get what you are so upset over”.  The list goes on and on. 

If I was sick, I was over reacting; if I was feeling lonely I was attention seeking; if I just went on a tear I was crazy and my ex would shut down because he said it reminded him of growing up.  I don’t know how many times he said or made me think I was the stressor in the marriage.  I put on the smile; brave front; did not complain to my friends; isolated myself so I wouldn’t have anyone to gripe to because his status was more important.  I read that statement and think how did I do that.  I can’t blame him – I let myself believe I was not important. 

I am NOT CRAZY – not in this situational setting.  It is funny, I finally had a major depressive episode in 2014 over something I did and part of my brain said “you can do this, you can let go, have this episode; be crazy – you have a loving partner who will be there.”  Instead it was the ending.  Then I spent an entire year during the up and down of secrets; lies; moving in and out again thinking I was crazy and at this point, I think I was and I know I was driving my kids and everyone around me crazy but every rejection by a person I had ever had in my life piled on my head; in my head and in my heart.  How is the person that I loved; that I spent 27 years with, how was he not strong enough to help me when I fell apart?  I took the blame for this for about the last 25 months.  No longer.  I was strong when I was required to be; when I needed to be; when I had to be and the minute I broke – I was not good enough…that is not my failure.

So the picture above does not accurately reflect the post but it is there to remind me that one day I will thank "him" and others for my journey. 

My Story  Is Not Over ; 

I am not a failure

I read an article that said “A marriage exists between two people. A marriage is a connection between two people. It is not either of them; it’s outside. When a marriage ends in divorce, it’s the relationship between the couple that’s a failure not either of the spouses.”

This kind of smacked me in the face.  My young boss and I had a conversation the other day about Mrs. vs. Ms.  She is married and I kept typing Mrs.  She wasn’t mad but said Mrs. just made her feel old.  I was baffled but then I thought how much stock I put into MRS.  I’m proud of MRS.  I was MRS for almost 25 years.  I (why is there no way to make I stand out?)…I did not fail at being MRS.  The relationship failed.  Now there are many reasons a relationship fails.  I have a journal that is up to 107 reasons why (and I just started it last week).  My goal is not to make the failure mine but attributed the failures to the relationship between the couple.  It is a hard exercise.  Some days it feels futile, others it helps me make it through.  

The rest of the article had some good points: (quoting)

1.   You have always been more than a spouse. Your role as a spouse was just a small part of who you are as a person. As a person you have all kinds of roles you fill every day already that you can choose at any moment to define your identity: father, mother, daughter, son, employee, manager, volunteer, driver, etc. You can also choose a new identity for yourself now that you’re no longer a spouse especially if you remember that “you are powerful beyond measure” and you’re so much greater than a failure.
 

2.   There are no grades for how you live your life. You’ve always done your best with the resources, ability and understanding you’ve had each and every moment of your life. There’s no way you or anyone else can change the fact that as a human you’re predetermined to do your best. That doesn’t mean that as you learn and experience more that you would have done things differently if you were to face the same situations today. It just means that you’re being perfectly you all the time. And there’s no way that you can be a failure.
 

3.   You become what you think about. You can absolutely make sure you’re miserable by focusing on how miserable you are or should be. You can absolutely make sure that you become a failure if all you focus on is feeling like a failure.

End quote. 

Unfortunately, that is not how my mind was set when I was a kid or when I got married.  My identity has always been tied to what I did.  If I allowed it to be tied to who am I then I felt like I would wither away.  Last week I challenged my FB friends to describe me in two words and aside from a couple that mentioned mom in a positive way; none mentioned wife, quilter, soccer, etc.  My mind’s eye has only seen me one way. 

This article sets up #2 with how we are conditioned to use grades to make measurements.  It is funny how when I do something less than perfect or close to perfect at work, I start apologizing.  I have been lead to believe that my life had to be on an A to F scale and for awhile I’ve hovered around D’s and F’s.  Why is that?  I can name so many good things.  No. 2 and 3 go together.  Someone asked me the point of a life coach now but this is why.  I’ve let some part of me control that my actions, deeds, who I thought I should be, what I failed at control whether I was a failure or not.  I’ve qualified statements before; well that qualification is because I know I’m not a failure.  My divorce does not make me a failure.  Some of my actions contributed to a failed marriage…that is so different.

Start again, at the beginning of this post, those five pictures are PROOF I did not fail; I am not a failure...

Keep reading – my story is not over ;

***Credit to Author Karen Finn for the excellent points***