I AM NOT OLD

I turned 46 in September.  I AM NOT OLD...yet my body seems to disagree with me.  Arthritis in the hands and fingers and an ankle injury that just keeps cropping up all the time.  Today I tripped over a flipping tree root that I have asked be covered or leveled for some time....face planted into the yard, spilled my coffee all over my white shirt, and now my shoulder hurts because I was trying to save my Starbucks.

If anyone is in doubt of what to get me for Christmas....I want a bakers rack!  My body is screaming for a medic alert necklace with an old lady voice that says "I've fallen and I can't get up!".  For Mother's day someone better go ahead and pick out the skid/no slip lace up in beige only old lady shoes with arch supports!  I'd ask for a Hoverround but those are kind of expensive and with the money everyone saves buying these other little items we can go to JoAnn's and bling them up so they don't look so bad!

The reason we can not have nice things....

Well that is an easy answer - KIDS.  New carpet....Kool-aid stains.  New furniture - sweaty bodies or spilled food.  Coffee tables with corners = bruises or stitches.  So as each kid has left we have started replacing things and fixing up stuff.  The kids actually seem insulted by this....on one had they "act" happy for us but you can see the look on their face "but why didn't you buy that nice comfy couch that is all bouncy when we lived at home?"  UH BECAUSE THE LAST FRIGGING COUCH YOU DECIDED TO PLAY HOP OVER THE VOLCANO and broke all the springs within a month of having it and then someone decided to toss a Red soda to a sibling and they decided to open it right away.  When the twins were under 2 years old I wall-papered their bathroom.  I remember they were that young because I had to put a baby gate up to keep them from eating the paste I was using.  For years it has been coming down or peeling off in area's.

Before the tearing down

 Last night, I just started ripping it off the wall.  I got lucky it came off pretty easy (guess 19 years of 45 minute hot as hell showers from the youngest daughter diluted the paste some).  Next step is new paint; shower curtain and towels...YES MORE NEW STUFF.....with each rip I wanted to say and that is for all the hair spray you choked us with; and really tooth paste at the 7 foot mark of the wall?  but I lovingly just ripped away thinking of all the new colors and towels and stuff I could buy for in there!  If any one of them show up with a grand baby to ruin this plan we will have serious issues.....

After the ripping off of the 20 year old wall paper

It is amazing how your thought process changes.  My original design was simple; colorful; nice enough to be the main bathroom for guest but withstand five kids. Practical, quickly put together to make the house look nicer than a plain white bathroom but nothing that costs so much they could destroy.  NOW.....fluffy towels that will actually dry you off; bath mats that are there only to soak up the water; a color on the wall that is modern and not meant to hide nose pickings someone decided to put on the wall rather than the tissue that was right on the counter - endless possibilities.  Hopefully by weeks end I can have pictures of my new bathroom...wonder if it will do any good to make the boys share the other bathroom and claim this one all for myself?

Empty Nest Syndrome Part 2

I had every intention of writing yesterday but we have had painters at the house and getting to my desk top where all my well planned research was became difficult.

So my well planned research was a matter of typing "Empty Nest Syndrome" into google.com and looking at the 9 million results it returned and then skimming through the first few articles and landing on Wiki for a definition.  Yes, lazy I know, but I'm not getting paid so my research skills went to the wayside.

So Wiki says "Empty nest syndrome is a feeling of grief and loneliness parents or guardians may feel when their children leave home for the first time, such as to live on their own or to attend a college or university."

My first thought was well I don't have feelings of grief or loneliness so what do you call it.....Happy Empty Nest Syndrome?  I'm glad my kids moved out syndrome?  Opps I feel guilty because I'm glad my kids moved out syndrome?

However, further reading (not of just Wiki) said that one of the "symptoms" was "a sense of loss of purpose, feelings of rejection...."  Wait.....that was mostly it....so I kept digging.  SAHM's are apparently hit the hardest with this, you spend so much time where what you are doing is for for someone else and then that person leaves.  Yes my kids call regularly to ask me to do things for them like text them a recipe; refill a prescription; calculate something; proof read a paper.  All of these were things I did when they were home and were quite annoying to be honest....now they are threads that I hang on to and even brag about when when my husband gets home..... Heard from Child #3 today - did YOU?  Ha ha...well she called to ask me to _______________.  Next day he returns the favor (that's what I get for being snide) difference is he had to prompt them.  Now when it happens in reverse watch out...the first thing I am doing is calling or texting Child # Whatever saying "why did you call dad with that?"  (I can justify it by saying "you know he is busy at work and it is easier for you just to call me").

Poor kids they can not win for losing.

So Empty Nest Syndrome...it does not have multiple components.  It isn't a clinical thing (counselors and other medical professionals attribute the feelings to other stuff) and the answer to it all seems to be GET A LIFE.

Every article has these coping skills:  get a hobby; find yourself; exercise; look for something you want to do; enjoy the time; relax; read a book.  Not very helpful to be honest, the first week Child #4 left I read 4 books; caught up on 3 TV series (yes I have become a Netflix junkie); turned her room into a quilt room; cleaned out cabinets and took naps.

None of the articles explained or have examined how I can be so happy on one hand yet so blah on another.  I've come to realize that the advise of "GET A LIFE" is really about all there is to it.  Get a life outside of the kids; get a life that has something I want to do; get a life that slows down a little bit and get a life that you enjoy instead of rushing around all day every day doing something for everyone else.  Oh I still want to "do" for everyone and have recently started keeping a list of what I do all day and asking myself what is a productive day for me but the list is different and it is shorter and it now contains things that I've done just for me and no one else.

Now the one thing I do wish I had prepared for was the fact that these rug rats, no matter how old they are, still know when I'm trying to sneak in a nap and still manage to contact me with some urgent issue after I have been asleep for about 30 minutes (just long enough that you can't lay back down) and heaven forbid I should just hit ignore because they might call their Dad and he gets to come home with "Child #2 called me today...and all because you were taking a nap and didn't answer!".

Bottom line is that Empty Nest Syndrome hits everyone different.  There is nothing wrong with being sad your kids have moved on and there is MOST CERTAINLY NOTHING WRONG with being happy they have moved on.  Each person has to figure out how to deal and work through it and each person has to find what works for them because there is no catch-all "cure".  There is no right or wrong way to feel, these are our babies no matter how old they are and each feeling we have when they leave is valid and each feeling is irrational and each feeling is specific to each kid and circumstance.....so forget all the articles; forget all the advice; forget all the tips and tricks and figure out what the good and the bad is about them leaving is for YOU and start worrying about the latest trend.....

"Boomerang Generation"....that will get you out of your "Empty Nest Syndrome" funk really quick!

Empty Nest Syndrome Part 1

Since Patrick left for college, I have talked to and done a lot of reading on "empty nest" issues, problems, actions etc.

Recently, as the fourth child left for college I noticed a HUGE difference in the house.  While she was here every room was occupied.  There were four of us, I still had a schedule to keep up with and dinner to cook and everything else.  Since she has left and we have one 16 year old who is barely home or who rarely comes out of his room, this issue has been on my mind more and more.

Now the preamble is out of the way - let me start this off by saying:

I AM HAPPY THE KIDS HAVE LEFT AND I AM EXPERIENCING EMPTY NEST SYNDROME.  While I don't want to judge anyone or comment on anyone else's circumstances because everyone has their own story, mine is this.  WE DID IT.  We got them through school with great grades and scholarships to wonderful colleges.  No one got pregnant.  No one got arrested.  No one was a car wrecker (although we had a couple who were car killers).  We never had a night where we didn't know where they were or had to stand at the door with our arms crossed tapping our foot at 4 a.m.  Not to say that my kids did not have fun and did not have a social life but they did exactly what we asked:  1) be a good student; 2) be a good kid; and 3) work hard and live up to your commitments.  They did all of that and MORE.

They are gone - well almost all of them and they did ALL OF THAT.  We have more space, less groceries, less mess, three TV's to choose from to watch what we want, boring nights with nothing to do, of course we have more chores (the labor laws do not apply to your own children in your own house so I used them to the fullest extent) and of course we have more silence.

But what does it all mean?

Picture is from May of 2009 when our oldest graduated High School.  

On one hand we did what we were supposed to.  We taught them how to work hard, how to be social, how to interact in the adult world, how to cook, how to shop, how to budget, how to think and have opinions and all the other important things to make them productive members of society.

On the other hand - where in the hell did my kids go and why do they not need me every moment of every day?  Where is all the noise and the running home and the eating everything in sight and getting exciting that they get tuna casserole for dinner or don't have to do chores because it is their week off.  Where is the mess and the constant hum of the washer and dryer and more importantly the AC unit running all day because they won't close doors or decide that doing laundry and running the dryer at 2 p.m. when it is 112 degrees out is a good idea?

***Funny aside - yesterday I was in the dining room and thought "hum it is a little warm, why isn't there any air blowing out of the vent?".  Got up to call the AC guy, I mean the unit is only a week old.  As I walked to my desk the AC unit turned on.....stayed on exactly 4 minutes and the house was at the target temp and it turned off and didn't come on for another hour.  First that explained why there was no air coming out of the vent and second I have spent at least 18 years with the full hum of the AC all day every day from April to November that I was confused.***

Twins (Kaitie and Kimmie) graduation from High School in 2011

Ok so back to Empty Nest....how exactly can you be satisfied and feel good yet sad at the same time?  I have a lot of people who look at me funny when I say that I am glad they are gone or when I have rearranged and changed things so quickly after they have left (I wait till they have at least moved into their dorm room before I make changes).

All the articles, research, blogs and FB posts of my friends say I should be sad and find ways to "occupy my time.  Take up a hobby.  Try yoga to help you through this stressful transition".  Some have suggested that its the start of a mid-life crisis.  Watch your husband....look for the signs...don't do this...don't do that...crying is natural.  The lists go on and on.

The ones who jump for joy and write about it, they get bashed in the comments section or called judgmental or bragging or just "smashed" upon for feeling good about the fact that their kids have left and moved on.

Alycia Marie's High school graduation - Kimmie couldn't make it home
so she is missing from the pictures

For me it is more about change and how to handle that change.  Like I can not figure out how to cook for just two or three people.  I can not figure out how to shop and not buy the package of 12 pieces of chicken when it will just be my husband and I for dinner.  I can not figure out what laundry day is mine and then realize that every day is.  I was shocked that it has been two weeks since I bought toilet paper - literally shocked.  Change and how to deal with it.....that is my problem.  I am Happy they are gone and have a life and very happy that we raised them well enough they call home, text, email and still ask for help (even when they don't need it but sense that we might).

If all goes as planned Paulie will graduate a year early (May 2015) and Empty Nest will be complete.....

So for awhile, I'm going to work through this and tell stories on my kids and myself and maybe my husband but for now....I'm HAPPY they are all doing well, having a good day and all my chores and errands were done by 10:45 and the next thing I have to do is remind my youngest that he is getting leftovers for dinner because I over made the chicken casserole....AGAIN.

Laundry Day

Somewhere, somehow at some point some of my kids decided that they wanted to do their own laundry.  Before that I would basically spend two full days doing laundry for 7 people.  I would wash, fold, sort and lay their clothes out for them to put up.  Then we had the stage where if clean closes - still FOLDED clothes would end up in the laundry and I started charging them a quarter for each clean and or folded piece of laundry that ended back in the hamper.  I think that may have spurred them to do their own laundry.

Everyone had a day.  That "laundry day" has changed over the years as kids left for college but "my" day always fell after theirs.  For the last year, our youngest daughter has started her laundry on Sunday and finished on Monday or Tuesday.  Sometimes she would tie up the washer for a week.  So on Monday morning I would rush to get what laundry I needed done - done.  If the washer was open, I would get moving (even folding clothes she had left sitting in the dryer).

Now, we have one kid at home and there is laundry for three...

You know it is quite amazing how the laundry load has dropped and the number and length of showers have dropped but the water bill has not??? ***note to self to call water department***

I got up this morning to "rush" to do laundry and aside from towels between the three of us there wasn't even a full load.  Then I realized that the youngest had started and was doing his own laundry.  Now granted he started about 4 to 6 years after the other kids did but I'm really not complaining.  It was his rush to get his laundry done that has lead me to believe that one of two things is happening:  1) something I don't want to know or care to think about and so he is doing his laundry himself and 2) MY PREFERENCE - he got tired of me doing his laundry, lovingly washing, folding and sorting and then NAGGING the hell out of him to put it all away.

So by noon, my chore of laundry will be done.  My advice:  Find a way to lovingly wash, fold and sort your child(ren's) clothes.....lay them out neatly on their bed.  Come up with a system where if clean or folded clothes make their way back to the wash they have to pay for it.  Then nag the heck out of them to put everything away; talk about how much time it took; how you don't mind doing it but.....

Then come up with a chart of days they can do their own laundry....now a few rules on kids doing their own laundry (if you have more than one):

1.  No jumping ahead in line just because the washer is open unless you ask the person whose day it is.  (I had one kid who was a night owl and didn't start the laundry until around 9 - although that may have been done to steal hot water from the girls while they took their 45 minutes showers).
2.  If laundry is left in the dryer, do not remove it and put it in a basket and just leave it there - either fold those clothes or take it to the person who the clothes belong too.
3.  Stress the penalty that will be incurred if food or pens get left in clothing...I had a brand new white blouse get RUINED because someone left a sharpie in their pants and it got all over the washer and then onto my shirt.
4.  Last but not least - if you use the last of the laundry products, you buy the next round (and I always went for the expensive laundry soap and softeners when this happened - got the good stuff out of them once or twice and it put a stop to my going to wash clothes and having no laundry soap).

Off to move my one load of laundry to the dryer (where, it can actually sit for as long as I want)!!!!!

A Place of my own

Since we have moved into this house, I have not had a "room" of my own....I've had spots; I've taken over the dining room or living room or corner of the hallway.  Now I have a room of my own.....Patchwork Pam Quilt's officially has work space and I can shut the door if I'm not done a project or retreat as needed and work without having to worry about where people will eat dinner or watch TV.

To be a blogger or not to be a blogger....that is the question

To Blog or not.  When I originally started this page/blog everyone in the world was blogging.  It seemed so much easier than Twitter (which I still have not figured out).  Although, I have never been able to figure out what to blog about.  I don't feel like I have anything interesting to say and what I do would be airing dirty laundry or complaining about family and friends.  So what is the point?  I've tried putting stuff up about my pinterest craze; cooking; quilting; kids pictures...none of it seems to stick or be of interest.  I can't help but wonder if I'm bored with it or does anyone really care and they are bored with it or BOTH.

I talk to people, over the phone and in person and seem to be interesting enough and can make people laugh but then become hesitant to put it in writing or if I do put it in writing I even find it boring.  Now anything self-deprecating, I seem to have no issues with.

Lately, I've done a LOT of journaling (some turmoil this summer has caused this).  Writing about it on a blog seems pointless and like I would be acting as an attention junkie.  So I decided to research "blogging"...had to narrow that down a bit and when I did I found all these tips on what makes a good blog.  Yeah, I walked away still thinking "to blog or not to blog, that is the question".

I think, as I type this, the point of a writer or even a good blogger is to take that "issue" and turn it into a story that doesn't hurt someone.  See I have lots to say....I've been married 23 years and have 5 kids.  It is one thing for me to TELL someone something my kids did, it is another for me to write the entire story down for everyone to see and pass on and use against them.  So how do you find that balance?

What is the point?  An online journal where I hope I have no followers but can type out and entertain myself?  A full on following of people who think I am the funniest person in the world but I've done it at the expense of others?

So "to blog or not to blog....that is the question".....