Labeling myself and Self Destructive Thinking

I certainly thought that 2016 would be much better than 2014 and 2015 but it hasn’t turned out that way so far.  Today, I was thinking what productive thoughts and writings did I have?  At first “none” was the answer.  I went back at looked at my post on Facebook from 4/7/16 about having lost my job and saw all the comments.  I looked at all the private messages I had received.  People kept saying:

You are strong.

You will come out ahead.

You are a fighter.

We believe in you.

We love you.

We are proud of you.

You are a force to be reckoned with.

Stay strong and focused. 

These are just a few.  I sat here for almost 45 minutes re-reading these comments wondering why people would post these things. 

I am weak.

I’m a follower.

I’m concerned about what others think of me.

I need and crave acceptance and approval.

I’m not pretty or smart.

I’m behind, I got fired.

I require too much out of people. 

I give too much.

I’m too emotional. 

My list went on and on and in my head it still does.  Then I looked at the people posting, they were not family…they were not fringe friends seeing what has happened to someone else today.  What the hell could that mean?  Someone tell me and the “Oh they really care about you” just seems cliché.

Why is my list of ME so negative but everyone else’s is positive or a helping hand and done out of genuine concern?  

For some reason the Gladiator scene with Commodus came to mind:  “You wrote to me once, listing the four chief virtues: Wisdom, justice, fortitude and temperance. As I read the list, I knew I had none of them. But I have other virtues, father. Ambition. That can be a virtue when it drives us to excel. Resourcefulness, courage, perhaps not on the battlefield, but... there are many forms of courage. Devotion, to my family and to you.”. 

When I started my first job after the divorce I had to take two tests.  One was a strength finder and the other a Kolbe assessment.  Both proved very interesting.  I retook both tests and my strength finder test changed.  My Kolbe assessment did not.  So my virtue’s? Who decides?  What are they?  Do they ever evolve?  Can they evolve?  

So back to my internal view of myself:

I am weak = well not really.  I’m physically stronger than I have ever been in my life.  I am mentally working on being stronger, which is a wishy-washy way of saying I’m mentally stronger now than I was say 3 months, 6 months, 8 months ago.

I’m a follower – I’m a follower when I allow others actions or words send me to a place of self-doubt and when someone deserving of being followed appears in my life.  

I’m concerned about what others think of me – not sure how to get around this one.

I need and crave acceptance and approval – Not entirely true.  I don’t need and crave it – I WANT it. 

I’m not pretty or smart – well I’m not ugly either and I’m not stupid or ignorant.  I’m 47 with 5 kids; a baby belly, a sun damaged face; hair that goes wild in the wind; nails I don’t take care of and I didn’t finish college but I read and try and learn as much as I can. 

I’m behind, I got fired – I am behind in the legal field.  So much has changed but I caught up.  And Yes I got fired.  People get fired for real reasons and made up ones.  Yes I am hurt and angry as hell over it but I won’t be taken advantage of like that again and will put this in my “learn from” column. 

I require too much out of people – I do.  I expect answers; responses; I want what I want when I want it and feel let down when I don’t get it.  I respond why can’t they – oh yeah wait because they are not me. 

I give too much – Oh that I do…but is that a fault or did I add it to the list because my brain says it is a fault?  I love giving….

I’m too emotional – another Oh yeah…but is that a fault or did I add it to the list because so many men in my life and my step-mother have told me I am over emotional and to buck up?  What is wrong with having emotions; showing them; Sad part is I’ve spent so many years trying to repress this I forgot to show when I was happy.  So that is a huge fault. 

So the point?  Not sure except to say that I have a great group of friends and a wonderful support system.  I am trying every day.  I am learning every day and I'm attempting to surround myself with people who see me for ME and not for who they want or wish me to be.