Run and hide your crazy and start actin’ like a lady...

I have done a lot of reading since July 2, 2015 when I found out my husband had filed for divorce on June 29, 2015.  I figured all the self help books would fix me.  ***disclaimer, there was more to fix than just me and there was a lot of me to fix***

So I moved to the almighty “Google”, once I got up off the couch - from a two week depressive episode of “I can’t see; eat; move; think” - bender.  My initial results returned about 613,00 result in .53 seconds.  I actually wrote that down.  I think I made it through about 2/3rds of all the articles before I gave up.  They all said the same thing.  My therapist at the time said the same thing.  Only he went so far as to tell me I was the cause of the marital demise and until I could recognize that and the fact that I was angry, I would be stuck.  Yes, I dropped him and found someone more qualified.  

So I read the five stages of grief:  Denial; Anger & Resentment; Bargaining; Depression; and Acceptance. 

I swirled through all of these, daily.  Not weekly, not monthly but daily. 

Denial!  Well that one happened in stages.  Right up until the day of the divorce hearing, I denied it would happen.  Then after the divorce I denied it.  Not that the divorce happened but the “it” that caused it.  Or better yet the ITS.  There was way more than one.  I’m still deciding, with my therapist, if it is worth going over them one by one or by category or if at all. 

Anger & Resentment!  This one is still happening today.  What can I say?  I’ve tried “Let Go and Let God”.  I’ve tried alcohol.  I’ve tried immersing myself in work.  Now, I am just trying. 

Bargaining!  I bargained a lot in the beginning. Then I gave up.  Bargaining never got me anywhere except anger and resentment from both of us.  We never followed Dr. Phil’s advice to renegotiate; we just bargained and then built up anger and resentment. 

Depression!  Since this played a major part in my ex-husband leaving, it sort of sent me down the rabbit hole.  After the final move out and divorce I did many things that physically made me feel better which helped with the depression but mentally I couldn’t wrap my head around anything so the depression was taken care of with self-medicating, ranting, raving and finally more depression.  In my discussion with my physician and therapist this week, I have given in to the fact that alcohol and hate is my enemy and Zoloft and therapy are my friends right now. 

Acceptance!  HA HA HA HA HA HA… ok maybe that is not funny but I don’t have anything else to say but that. 

So, none of these articles talked about the following:

Humiliation!  Oh yeah - I was deeply humiliated.  How do you tell people who have known you were married for 24 plus years?  How do you tell people who you both told to “work it – it is worth it”?  How do you tell people when the two of you sat together talking about how could other people you know who had been married 20 plus years get divorced?  What was even harder were people who I knew who were divorced and open about it had only been married under ten years and still had younger kids.  They didn’t know how to deal with the end of a relationship that spanned more than half your life or the “empty-nest” syndrome that accompanied the divorce. 

Failure!  Oh yeah, I big time felt like I failed.  I really had two jobs, as I saw it.  Be a wife and mother.  So if I failed at being a wife did that mean I failed as a mother?   Daily, I heard and sometimes still hear haunting whispers of “You are a loser. You are unlovable. You are a failure. You deserve to be alone. Life is over. You will never be loved again.” Enter depression, anger, resentment.  Those guys like to still make appearances. 

Guilt!  This raised all sorts of personal stories I’m not ready to share. 

Shame!  Ties back to Humiliation; Failure and Guilt. 

Fear!  Oh shit I was scared to death.  I got the house.  How the hell was I going to take care of it?  I needed a new car.  How was I going to swing that?  I had been out of the work force for 15 years and had no money.  Who was going to hire me and how was I going to pay for things?  How was I going to…?  The questions were endless and overwhelming.  Re-enter Humiliation; Failure and Guilt. 

Anxiety!  Enough said, really, enough said. 

Loss!  I lost a good bit by this process but I am also finding things.  My loss has been profound though.  It is apparently normal but it hit me hard.  I couldn’t, and some days still can’t see, that I didn’t really lose myself or my identity.  I had just hidden it away and because of the situations I was afraid to let her out.  The times I did let her out, I felt…wait for it Humiliation; Failure and Guilt.  It is funny, not ironic but ha ha funny, I never minding being “so and so’s Mom” and not Pam but never realized how much MRS. Kasperitis was embedded in my mind as my identity.  I remember this conversation at the divorce hearing:  “Bitch of a Divorce Lawyer for Ex:  Ms. Kasperitis….  ME:  Excuse me Your Honor but the divorce papers are not signed and until you sign the order, I am MRS. Kasperitis, I earned that title!”  I remember walking out of the Court Room feeling like the Judge had stitched a great big red “D” on my shirt and everyone I walked past knew what had happened.  I look back now and see that it seems awfully silly but it was so emotionally and mentally tied to WHO I was and that was about to end and I was going to hang on to it as long as possible.  Since that time, I’ve had people say Mrs. and I quietly respond “Ms.”!  My marriage, my divorce, hell my life is something that has happened it is not who I am, I have to learn to decide that. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had very happy moments before AND since this process began.  I have some wonderfully supportive people in my life.  I have met some new people and rekindled old friendships.  Unfortunately, I spent time taking them for granted and pushing my baggage on them instead of remembering, they love/ed Me for Me and were there to support me but not carry the suitcase.  I am hoping that those I made carry the suitcase can forgive and hope they work their way back into my life because they were/are really good people who were/are really good for me. 

So where am I now?  Still standing in the middle of an abyss – backed away from the ledge - but trying to remind myself that I am the only one who can help me.  That no one can make me see my worth until I am willing to see my worth.  I am the only one who can make me happy.  I am the only one who cannot be self-destructive.  I am the only one who can ruin new and old relationships!  I AM!