Thanksgiving

So this was my second Thanksgiving single and wading through the life of as a Mom to five kids who had traditions which had to change midstream and making it so it was as comfortable for the kids and myself as could be.

Turned out to be a great week.  My boss let us go early from work Tuesday.  We had Wednesday off.  Thursday, unexpectedly Kaitie (because of flight issues) came for dinner.  The boys were here and Paul's girlfriend was too.  We had a full on dinner without corn - because I forgot the corn.  Patrick did the dishes, Kaitie and Paul put the food up...we divided who took home what and had a great few hours.  My kids are adults - I cannot decide if that makes me what to smile or cry.

I am very lucky and despite other blog posts and feelings I have at any given hour, I know I am lucky - even if my situation went bad - not many people get the chance to have what I have had in life.

So I am THANKFUL.

Blog post #1 - emotional for me

Over the course of my 48 years I have been called many things, to my face and behind my back.  In the last 30 months those names upped the ante.

Crazy

Irrational

Thief

Emotional Terrorist

Abusive

Alcoholic

Over emotional

Paranoid

Illogical

A bad wife

A bad parent

Shrewd

A Shrew

Unworthy

An emotional Drain

A physiological drain

Unstable

Mean

Hateful

A know-it-all

Fat

Ugly

Damaged

Boring

Stupid

Idiot

Liar

Disrespectful

Clingy

Destroyer of self-esteem

Over Bearing

Destroyer of all that is good
Toxic

These are the words that come off the top of my head.  My Life Coach had me do an exercise where people had to say two positive things about me.  I got a lot of positive responses.  Enough that made my head swell.  Made my ego swell and I tackled the session, the night and some good time to evaluate myself as these people saw me. 

Unfortunately, what do you do with those who have said the list above about you? When those are people who are supposed to love you and you are supposed to love unconditionally?

How do you turn those phrases, that people whom you love and respect or respected, have said them about you?  How do you see the good in yourself? 

I have seen myself as firm, strong, willful, dominant, demanding but would lay my life on the line for anyone.  How did what I have done for 28 years turn into me being the bad guy with so many labels.  How do you gain those labels when you are 3? 5? 10? 15? 18? 

How many times do I have to say “no this is what happened” before I lose my mind before life becomes such that I believe all or part of the list above?  I’ve spent 2 years living it for sure and still to this day hear those comments.  I keep trying to say look at me…I’m functioning…I’m working…I’m productive…I AM ME.  But it is never enough?  Why? 

I don’t have an answer to that.  I’ve never thought of myself as most of the things on that first list but it has been said and implied so much that I am caught between adamantly disavowing it to just ignoring it and saying that if the relationship is so unhealthy those words can be used that time needs to pass.

I just don’t know what to do with the emotions now. 

I want to truly believe that I am:

A great Mom

I was a good wife

I am worthy

I am loving

I am good

I am smart

I am good at my job

I am a good person

I am beautiful inside and out

I AM ME – I am who God made me and he doesn’t make mistakes.

So why can’t I believe that?  Why does the voice in my head go back to the first list.  No matter how many times, I try and make it right; no matter what I say or do in some people’s eyes I am everything on the first list and nothing more. 

Today, I don’t know who to believe.  I don’t know what words to believe and I most certainly am having a hard time trusting the emotions. 

I’m so drained from defending myself; proving myself; saying sorry; being hurt.  I want to be…I want to……………………………………..