Striving!

Last night a very good and long time friend told me, lovingly, “You have to finally find yourself. You are always trying too hard. You want to prove that it was not you. You want to prove you were a good mom. But we all know that.”  She is right in so many ways and wrong in so many ways.  Last night I told her I couldn’t deal with the discussion.  After a night of sleep, I’m ready to address it. 

Yes, I have to find myself.  I am trying.  I do not know who I am.  I spent 25 years as Mrs. Kasperitis and 24 years as Mom.  I am still Mom but the kids are grown and as one of my kids told me, I have to find a way to re-write my role.  I’m not longer Mrs.  I also have to find a way to re-write that role. 

I don’t want to prove that it was not me.  Sure it would be great for everyone in my world to say I was perfect and did nothing wrong and it was all him.  The truth of the matter is that my blog posts and writings are helping me define my role in the last 27 years.  If you actually read my posts you will find that I have some self-discovery in my posts. 

I do try too hard.  I wish I could stop that but I don’t know how.  That is part of my journey. 

I don’t need to prove I was a good mom.  I know damn good and well I was and am a good MOM.  I do want to do right by my kids, acknowledge when I have done wrong and also transition to my new role.  But hey, it is great to hear from everyone that I am a good mom so you can feel free to tell me that J

There will be topics I write about that are depressing; that may hurt or embarrass my kids; that tell too much; that are self-deprecating; that will be many things…but they are my stories that I need to get out, I need to tell to someone, even if it is just a nonsensical website that no one goes to; they are my stories that I need to write to wrap my head around, learn and grow. 

I am striving to find neutrality around the events of my life; this is a process and more importantly my process.  I love the feedback; opinions and comments – they help me process and give insight so whether I like them or not, keep them coming.  Hope you all stay with me on this journey – faith, grace, understanding and acceptance is a gift that I have yet to receive or allow.