Thanksgiving

So this was my second Thanksgiving single and wading through the life of as a Mom to five kids who had traditions which had to change midstream and making it so it was as comfortable for the kids and myself as could be.

Turned out to be a great week.  My boss let us go early from work Tuesday.  We had Wednesday off.  Thursday, unexpectedly Kaitie (because of flight issues) came for dinner.  The boys were here and Paul's girlfriend was too.  We had a full on dinner without corn - because I forgot the corn.  Patrick did the dishes, Kaitie and Paul put the food up...we divided who took home what and had a great few hours.  My kids are adults - I cannot decide if that makes me what to smile or cry.

I am very lucky and despite other blog posts and feelings I have at any given hour, I know I am lucky - even if my situation went bad - not many people get the chance to have what I have had in life.

So I am THANKFUL.

Blog post #1 - emotional for me

Over the course of my 48 years I have been called many things, to my face and behind my back.  In the last 30 months those names upped the ante.

Crazy

Irrational

Thief

Emotional Terrorist

Abusive

Alcoholic

Over emotional

Paranoid

Illogical

A bad wife

A bad parent

Shrewd

A Shrew

Unworthy

An emotional Drain

A physiological drain

Unstable

Mean

Hateful

A know-it-all

Fat

Ugly

Damaged

Boring

Stupid

Idiot

Liar

Disrespectful

Clingy

Destroyer of self-esteem

Over Bearing

Destroyer of all that is good
Toxic

These are the words that come off the top of my head.  My Life Coach had me do an exercise where people had to say two positive things about me.  I got a lot of positive responses.  Enough that made my head swell.  Made my ego swell and I tackled the session, the night and some good time to evaluate myself as these people saw me. 

Unfortunately, what do you do with those who have said the list above about you? When those are people who are supposed to love you and you are supposed to love unconditionally?

How do you turn those phrases, that people whom you love and respect or respected, have said them about you?  How do you see the good in yourself? 

I have seen myself as firm, strong, willful, dominant, demanding but would lay my life on the line for anyone.  How did what I have done for 28 years turn into me being the bad guy with so many labels.  How do you gain those labels when you are 3? 5? 10? 15? 18? 

How many times do I have to say “no this is what happened” before I lose my mind before life becomes such that I believe all or part of the list above?  I’ve spent 2 years living it for sure and still to this day hear those comments.  I keep trying to say look at me…I’m functioning…I’m working…I’m productive…I AM ME.  But it is never enough?  Why? 

I don’t have an answer to that.  I’ve never thought of myself as most of the things on that first list but it has been said and implied so much that I am caught between adamantly disavowing it to just ignoring it and saying that if the relationship is so unhealthy those words can be used that time needs to pass.

I just don’t know what to do with the emotions now. 

I want to truly believe that I am:

A great Mom

I was a good wife

I am worthy

I am loving

I am good

I am smart

I am good at my job

I am a good person

I am beautiful inside and out

I AM ME – I am who God made me and he doesn’t make mistakes.

So why can’t I believe that?  Why does the voice in my head go back to the first list.  No matter how many times, I try and make it right; no matter what I say or do in some people’s eyes I am everything on the first list and nothing more. 

Today, I don’t know who to believe.  I don’t know what words to believe and I most certainly am having a hard time trusting the emotions. 

I’m so drained from defending myself; proving myself; saying sorry; being hurt.  I want to be…I want to……………………………………..

Hanging in and hanging on....

I had these great elaborate plans to post after the reunion and then some health issues came up.

I had these great elaborate plans to post how I am working hard to untangle the "knot" of 28 years and instead I picked up the phone and talked, cried, scream, yelled, cussed, talked and...well....

I had these great elaborate plans to do so much but then this weekend it hit me:

Many of my facebook posts over the years have talked about how much I did in a day and asked what productivity was.

Well, I was productive alright - I got it all done and more - I put many of people to shame with my lists.  But what I didn't do was slow down; rest; listen; talk; LISTEN; and just be.  I'm not talking about the all new rage of mindfulness - I mean just be...like accepting it is ok to sit and watch Netflix all day long.  Or to take a 2 hour walk; or read a book until 3 a.m. knowing you still had to get up the next day.  To spend 2 hours having coffee or talking to your kid no matter how old they are.  To call a friend up and have an actual conversation.  I was productive in all the right ways but the wrong ways too.

So productive - FUCK YEAH I have been productive over the years - but here is the kicker...the next 30 plus years will be about being productive for me; productive in a way that suits my tastes; productive in a way defined by me and not the world around me or the responsibilities - real or imagined.  Productive in a way that helps me grow, love, learn and be there - in the here and now - for people.

So here is to realizing how much potential I have even if the most productive thing I do in a day is clean out the cat box and hit "yes" on the Netflix message of "are you sure you want to continue watching".  

***no dig on my own five kids; all the other kids I carted around for years and had flying marshmallow camp outs with - it is just my time, I was there for your time!

I am worthy! ;

Even though I knew there were major things wrong, my marriage felt healthy compared to the life I grew up with and the life my ex-husband grew up with.  I couldn’t and still have a hard time not seeing that I was a failure at marriage rather than my marriage failed. 

Somehow, soon after I said I do, I lost myself and my sense of self.  Oh it was still there when it had to be but when it came to me and my ex-husband or me and my marriage it was gone.  I felt crazy, all the time.  “I said I was getting ready to leave work, not I was leaving work” and so dinner was late or burned or dryed out; “I told you…”; “I did this because you did that”.  “I’m too tired to talk about this”; “I don’t get what you are so upset over”.  The list goes on and on. 

If I was sick, I was over reacting; if I was feeling lonely I was attention seeking; if I just went on a tear I was crazy and my ex would shut down because he said it reminded him of growing up.  I don’t know how many times he said or made me think I was the stressor in the marriage.  I put on the smile; brave front; did not complain to my friends; isolated myself so I wouldn’t have anyone to gripe to because his status was more important.  I read that statement and think how did I do that.  I can’t blame him – I let myself believe I was not important. 

I am NOT CRAZY – not in this situational setting.  It is funny, I finally had a major depressive episode in 2014 over something I did and part of my brain said “you can do this, you can let go, have this episode; be crazy – you have a loving partner who will be there.”  Instead it was the ending.  Then I spent an entire year during the up and down of secrets; lies; moving in and out again thinking I was crazy and at this point, I think I was and I know I was driving my kids and everyone around me crazy but every rejection by a person I had ever had in my life piled on my head; in my head and in my heart.  How is the person that I loved; that I spent 27 years with, how was he not strong enough to help me when I fell apart?  I took the blame for this for about the last 25 months.  No longer.  I was strong when I was required to be; when I needed to be; when I had to be and the minute I broke – I was not good enough…that is not my failure.

So the picture above does not accurately reflect the post but it is there to remind me that one day I will thank "him" and others for my journey. 

My Story  Is Not Over ; 

I am not a failure

I read an article that said “A marriage exists between two people. A marriage is a connection between two people. It is not either of them; it’s outside. When a marriage ends in divorce, it’s the relationship between the couple that’s a failure not either of the spouses.”

This kind of smacked me in the face.  My young boss and I had a conversation the other day about Mrs. vs. Ms.  She is married and I kept typing Mrs.  She wasn’t mad but said Mrs. just made her feel old.  I was baffled but then I thought how much stock I put into MRS.  I’m proud of MRS.  I was MRS for almost 25 years.  I (why is there no way to make I stand out?)…I did not fail at being MRS.  The relationship failed.  Now there are many reasons a relationship fails.  I have a journal that is up to 107 reasons why (and I just started it last week).  My goal is not to make the failure mine but attributed the failures to the relationship between the couple.  It is a hard exercise.  Some days it feels futile, others it helps me make it through.  

The rest of the article had some good points: (quoting)

1.   You have always been more than a spouse. Your role as a spouse was just a small part of who you are as a person. As a person you have all kinds of roles you fill every day already that you can choose at any moment to define your identity: father, mother, daughter, son, employee, manager, volunteer, driver, etc. You can also choose a new identity for yourself now that you’re no longer a spouse especially if you remember that “you are powerful beyond measure” and you’re so much greater than a failure.
 

2.   There are no grades for how you live your life. You’ve always done your best with the resources, ability and understanding you’ve had each and every moment of your life. There’s no way you or anyone else can change the fact that as a human you’re predetermined to do your best. That doesn’t mean that as you learn and experience more that you would have done things differently if you were to face the same situations today. It just means that you’re being perfectly you all the time. And there’s no way that you can be a failure.
 

3.   You become what you think about. You can absolutely make sure you’re miserable by focusing on how miserable you are or should be. You can absolutely make sure that you become a failure if all you focus on is feeling like a failure.

End quote. 

Unfortunately, that is not how my mind was set when I was a kid or when I got married.  My identity has always been tied to what I did.  If I allowed it to be tied to who am I then I felt like I would wither away.  Last week I challenged my FB friends to describe me in two words and aside from a couple that mentioned mom in a positive way; none mentioned wife, quilter, soccer, etc.  My mind’s eye has only seen me one way. 

This article sets up #2 with how we are conditioned to use grades to make measurements.  It is funny how when I do something less than perfect or close to perfect at work, I start apologizing.  I have been lead to believe that my life had to be on an A to F scale and for awhile I’ve hovered around D’s and F’s.  Why is that?  I can name so many good things.  No. 2 and 3 go together.  Someone asked me the point of a life coach now but this is why.  I’ve let some part of me control that my actions, deeds, who I thought I should be, what I failed at control whether I was a failure or not.  I’ve qualified statements before; well that qualification is because I know I’m not a failure.  My divorce does not make me a failure.  Some of my actions contributed to a failed marriage…that is so different.

Start again, at the beginning of this post, those five pictures are PROOF I did not fail; I am not a failure...

Keep reading – my story is not over ;

***Credit to Author Karen Finn for the excellent points***

I'd like to say I am done but I am just starting....

I am done not fully being myself.

I have realized that I am the only self I can be. 

I am done questioning my motives, intentions and seeking answers to questions I already know the answer too.  

I am done with striving, forcing, pushing through and staying on the hardest path.  

I am done with distractions and denials.  My character is worth more.  

I am done trying to please everyone, it will never happen.  

I am done questioning myself.  

I am done battling myself. 

I am done apologizing.  I am who I am.  I did not make me this way but accept it.  My light shines even if it is in my own eyes.  

I am done with remorse and should haves and ought to's.  I did my job, I did my duty, I did my love and I did it well.  

I am done trying to know all the answers except as they pertain to me.  

I am done with trying to be understood - no one has walked my life.  

I am done beating myself up..try to make me do that again...I FUCKING DARE YOU.  

I married young.  I had a career young.  I was great at both.  I was a good wife.  I am a good person. I may have issues, I have history that has caused some issues but I AM ME. I AM ME.  I strive, I am worthy....

30th High School Reunion - Go Golden Eagles

Klein Forest Flying Eagles…

At the time (1982 to 1986) there were two Klein HS’s – Klein and Klein Forest – our Motto “You can’t see the Forest for the Tree’s”. Part of that was because there was nothing but forest between us but the phrase "you can't see the Forest for the Tree's" has stuck with me all my life)   

Years may go and friends may wonder, still within our hearts will be, the memories of you and me that will grow fonder… (of note our school song is set to the music of the German National Anthem - "Das Deutschlandlied"). 

Our yearbook for our senior year said “experience difference”

Our class t-shirt’s said “Class of 86 – We are out of hand” – derived from how much trouble we got into our Junior year and walking out of a pep rally.

I was not a stand out in high school.  Or maybe I was but didn’t know it. 

I went to the 10^th reunion.  The days before email and social media.  All the reunion stuff was done initially by mail and then we could email in our responses.  I had 4 kids by then.  So many people were starting careers; just getting married; just having babies.

I was not able to go to the 25^th.  It was between my ex-husbands 25^th college and sending kids to school and bringing them home – if I remember right we scheduled it in May. 

So fast forward 30^th college reunion…

WOW.  That is my word for it.  How many of us are just having kids; how many are still married; how many went to war – literally and figuratively; how many suffered divorce and moved on; how many have just…

I went into the weekend excited and left fulfilled.  How is that?  A few people said they were not coming because they knew everyone from social media – but really?  Social media is only what we share and not the age and time we come from. Social Media, in my opinion - for our Generation, allows us to let others see what we want them to see.  We still come from a "keep it in the house" generation, we overshare but not like generations younger than us.  

What did I see?  I saw how people I had an opinion of at 16 was different at 48.  I saw people who have struggle and were still there smiling and gave me hope.  I see the social media but it does not define our generation – we still thrive on seeing and talking and touching each other. I saw FRIENDS, past and new.  

I had way too much to drink at the reunion and if anyone has judged they have not said…why because our generation recognizes that we are the in-betweens…Gen X is just that- the stuck in between nowhere…we felt that way in High School and some of us do today and those who do not are helping those of us who do. 

I reconnected and have experienced LIFE with people who I thought I hated or hated me in High School – how is that? 

Class of 1986 – what is most important is CLASS…we may have been many things, but each of us has CLASS…then and now.   So…years may come and go; friendships may wonder; we may have had a class song that is set to the German National Anthem; we may not have been on-time for anything; and we were out of hand…and to this day…I am proud to be a graduate of the CLASS of 1986 FLYING GOLDEN EAGLES.   All of us…450 to 465 (because the numbers differ) – I raise my glass, thank you for the good times, the bad, the old memories and more importantly the NEW.  

Had a meeting over the phone with a "divorce coach".  I liked her a lot.  Not sure if this will work but I'm up for anything.

I am still processing the reunion and what I want to do and say about it...so stay tuned....

I am done apologizing for anything...

My Story is in Chapter 3 or maybe 4

It has taken me awhile to realize this.  "My Story isn't over yet ; "  After events of my life and especially the last two years, I was convinced it was.  The fact is my story is in Chapter 3 or maybe 4.  

I have not been blessed with Grace yet.  I'm working on that.  But bottom line, my story isn't over yet...

I have said it was a job and I did my job of raising my kids and being a wife - but it wasn't a job - in fact it was my joy; it was my life; it was happy more times than it was not.  It was work but it was not a job.  It wasn't somewhere that I planted only to collect something at the end...it was something I put my heart and soul into. I thought that my life was so tied to MRS and MOM but I've realized that I earned the title of MRS but was given the title of MOM and it has and does bring joy to my heart and soul.  

I felt when empty nest and divorce hit that - that end.  It ended me.  I tried many things to show the world it didn't but it did not make a difference on the inside.  Inside I felt broken, rejected, like I FAILED.  My ex said something to me last week that hit me hard for a few days and has taken awhile to sink in:  "the guilt overwhelmed a failed marriage".  That isn't all of what he wrote (I am still trying to figure that out) but a year later, I'm wondering what is a "failed marriage".  Did we fail because we couldn't; because we didn't; because the marriage ended?  Unfortunately, I'm having a hard time associating FAILED to anything the last 25 years.  I had a good to fair marriage; I had five wonderful children - bright, smart, respectful, productive citizens in this world who managed to fill me with joy that overwhelms any times I was upset with them; I had friends (have); I created life; I created and maintained a home.  I LOVED.  None of it was perfect but it was not FAILURE.  

I'm still a long way behind my ex in figuring things out and being comfortable right now.   I'm still mad some times.  I'm still sad sometimes.  But all those emotions I am working on putting into their appropriate file and I'm dropping the filter in my brain so the words that come out of my mouth or fingers are well thought out and if they are on a whim it is a result of ME being ME and not out of hate or bitterness.  

I did not FAIL.  I am not a FAILURE.  I had the wonderful experience of 25 years and five kids - the good, bad and ugly.  FAILURE is only important if you let it be.  Websters defines failure as "an omission of occurrence or performance, specifically a failing to perform a duty or expected action; the lack of success; a falling short."  Despite everything in my life, I challenge someone to point out how I fit that definition.  The only failure is to stop performing the duty or expected action...people use the word FAILURE to often and in a context that equates with success...but it is not what the word means, it is not a feeling any of us should have.  If I get up tomorrow, I have already succeeded.  

So while I may lack Grace right now; while my crazy may be showing still - I am a success...I am succeeding and I will continue to do so and no one can tell me any differently.  My fight, my life, my successes and to say I failed is an insult to at least 5 joys of my life!  

So today is my 48th birthday.  No big celebration.  Ladies at the office took me to a great long lunch.  Tons of birthday wishes on Facebook and from my kids - pre-birthday dinner with my boys last night.

Last year I was all alone, coffee with a friend in the morning and all day pretty down.  Even an argument.

Two years ok, I was just plain nuts and an argument ensued so...

Does the theme ring clear?

Most of my birthdays the last 27 years have been at sporting events or a kids function, take out or I cooked.
Prior to that I only know of 2 birthday parties I had - maybe there were more but nothing to memorialize it.

So I put every bit of effort into celebrating other peoples birthdays.  Mainly because it was what I wanted.

Not every birthday was bad but so few were memorable and that is on me not on anyone else.

This year - even sitting here eating left overs after a full day at work - my day was memorable.  Mostly because I am here.  I am alert.  I am thinking ahead and not beating myself up for not remembering more of the last 48 years but promising myself to remember from today forward with clarity!

Tee Hee - ok I will admit I loved seeing all my FB birthday wishes ;)

I realized this morning that my birthday is GREAT...but those of my five kids are even GREATER and could not have happened without me...so I am BLESSED!  In 48 years I was born, I survived a divorce of 2 people; transition to a new home; a step-mother; death of my Dad; graduating high school; finding out I had a bio dad and siblings; moving cities, getting married, having 5 kids, getting divorced, 1 for sure nervous break down and a 2nd that came pretty darn close; 5 wonder kids - did I mention that?  moving cities, new job...and realizing I am ME AND I AM WORTH SOMETHING - I AM WORTH MORE!  I deserve...I earned and I'm blessed!!!!!!  I am actually loving this birthday!

Seduction of self-rejection...

rejection

is my friend

and he's always

by my side

he doesn't leave

even when you ask him to

because that's how stuck he is 

to you

Author Unknown

For many years, I've thought on this topic...the who, what, where, when, why and how of rejection and/or abandonment by people who are supposed to love you unconditionally, by people who claim to love you, by friends, by people you don't even know.  

I didn't ask to be born.  I was not born out of love.  I was not wanted.  After it was too late to get rid of me, even in a time when it was illegal, a man came into my mothers life and accepted me and loved me and his family did to.  I don't know if he ever loved my mother, I think he did - but I think she was like me and felt rejected and abandoned and unwanted.  He found someone else and they did love each other and he still loved me.  She did not.  I don't know what she felt.  I felt like she tolerated me at best and pretended at worst.  I had no control over my emotional and psychological development.  Those were the the formative years.  Life laid that out for me at the hands of others.  I was the result of many failed things.  I felt it but didn't know it.  As I got older, I saw it and knew it but couldn't make it better.  

In the tween to teen years, especially after He died, I just needed someone to need me; to love me; to make me feel safe.  I sought that out and held on with dear life.  I want...no needed someone to see ME to show me that I was not nothing.  Providing shelter and food is not enough, there was no feeding of the heart, the soul, the emotional well being.  I sought that out at every turn.  No one told me that in doing that it would just cross boundaries and push people away.  Those who stayed seemed and appeared to do so out of obligation, laziness, of a sense of trying to fix something that was already broken.  

No, I am not bashing...I'm not down...I'm not doing anything but putting words to emotions that I have felt for so long.  How many times can you be rejected in a year? in a life?  Is there a set number? If there is, what is it?  Oh you can read all the articles, inspirational quotes, meme's and participate in talk therapy all you want but when rejection or pull back happens, the emotions over-flood of just how you are you and who you were raised, instead of the person you want to be.  

“I am crying over the loss of something I never had. How ridiculous. Mourning something that never was – my dashed hopes, dashed dreams, and my soured expectations.” 

― E.L. James

The part of that quote that sticks out for me is "soured expectations".  I set the expectations high because I crave them, need them, and to sound really bitchy - feel like I deserve them.  

The next part of the quote which enabled me to write this is "I'm crying over the loss of something I never had.".  I never had (except with my own children) being wanted, acceptance for me - faults and all; love that was from the heart - with a great majority of the people in my life it was out of obligation.  I have cried over the loss of something I never had.  I've given, I've accepted, wanted, desired, loved, loved unconditionally, helped, created good, fixed problems, been available and many other things but what I do has no bearing or impact on how others do or give to me.  

Henri J.M. Nouwen sums it up for me today:  

“Over the years, I have come to realize that the greatest trap in our life is not success, popularity, or power, but self-rejection. Success, popularity, and power can indeed present a great temptation, but their seductive quality often comes from the way they are part of the much larger temptation to self-rejection. When we have come to believe in the voices that call us worthless and unlovable, then success, popularity, and power are easily perceived as attractive solutions. The real trap, however, is self-rejection. As soon as someone accuses me or criticizes me, as soon as I am rejected, left alone, or abandoned, I find myself thinking, "Well, that proves once again that I am a nobody." ... [My dark side says,] I am no good... I deserve to be pushed aside, forgotten, rejected, and abandoned. Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the "Beloved." Being the Beloved constitutes the core truth of our existence.” 

Success, popularity, power, love, acceptance, want, desire are all great temptations and I have let them become seductive in my life and then drowning when they fail.  I've learned self-rejection from my life and at a time when I could control it, it wasn't a formative issue anymore, so I resorted to that little girl.  

I AM BELOVED, by at least five people I know, and maybe more.  I am accepted by at least 2 people and I don't need the seductive quality to need more.  I am wanted by at least as many people who don't want me.  

I am accepted by me...I AM.  I AM.  I AM.  I AM ME - faults, warts, personality traits, baggage and all.  MY HEART IS BIG.  MY HEART IS LOVING.  MY HEART IS ACCEPTING and I am WORTHY of anyone.  I AM HERE and I AM.  

when you live the rejection

the drab is turned inside out

exposed and at the bottom

no way out aside from up

UP!!! That is where I am going...no one can reject me but ME!  

Changing Direction...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xo1VInw-SKc

My fight song...

I signed up for divorce life coaching; I signed up for yoga, I am taking back my life.  I may backslide but for now...it is about ME.

"This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me"

Progress?

So the other night I had a dream that shook me.

My ex and then my step mother (who raised me but has cut me out of her life) were acting like a couple. We were all at a party and I was ignored and even talked about. Then they were talking about a party and I asked if I could go and she said "no...your not on our friend list". So I went to leave and asked to talk to her outside and then asked my ex to join us a few minutes later...I waited outside for an hour and then left. It is funny because there were scenes where my kids were there - and all of us were the age we are today. So 2 days later, my ex shows up with my deceased grandmother saying lets talk and I slammed the door in his face. Then I woke up. There were emotions and surroundings in the dream that are hard to explain but it was really weird...

After a few days of thinking on this, I wonder if I am making progress realizing that the past is the past. In my dream, I slammed the door on people who I asked for help, love, support, and anything else.  Does that mean I have accepted that it is not there and I have to move forward or is it a dream of what I want, miss, feel etc.  

Today I FEEL like I am closing the door on people who can not accept me for ME, that can not live up to their obligations and vows and promises despite my faults....

So I can't decide if I am going backwards or forwards...I'm back in my hometown after 27 years and then this weekend I went to Lake Charles for the first time in 11 years.  Last time I was there was when my Mom passed away.

I had a blast.  My younger sister asked me to come and so I did.  I got there and it was just great.  I went to my Mom's grave - little pissed (someone changed her grave marker so I will be making a call about that Tuesday).  We meet up with my Dad and his long time partner Ms. Pat and went to a McNeese football game then came home and had breakfast for dinner...wonder how my sister knew that was my favorite...and we stayed up and talked and then slept in this morning.  The little dog spent his entire time trying to get me to like him.  My nieces were great and I wish I lived closer so I could steal them away and give their Mom a break.  She works way to hard for them...I look at her and see how I was and to just fills my heart.

So my youngest niece is trying to teach me to take Selfie's...she has declared me hopeless.  Evidence:

So then we did a group selfie - still hopeless and worse Lil' Sis says not to tag her because it is a bad picture - uh did she see how bad I looked?

Then I got to see my dad and Ms. Pat.  That was nice...not long enough of a visit but that is ok.

The girls had plans today so I got on the road and thought stop at the casino - you know your limit.  All I can say about that stop was WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER.

So moving backwards or forwards?  Not sure but I'm trying to let loose and have some fun doing it!

Tomorrow...Kaitie and Paul for lunch or dinner...

One year ago today was my first day ALONE.  All my kids were gone as well as my husband.  I thought I could not survive, live, breathe.  One year later I realize I did all of that.  Not much grace while doing it but the list of things I've done and gone through is long.  I'm still a very big work in progress but spend most days remembering that I am good enough, strong enough and smart enough.  I have said those words for a year but now I am believing them.

This post is not another "oh how horrible..." but it is a thank you...

Thank you to my female friends who sat and listened, without judgment, who showed up to help me move; who took me for coffee; who liked my posts; who gave me great advice and who exhibited patience.  I'd love to name you all but you know who you are.

Thank you to my male friends.  Those who told me "you got me in the divorce"; those who said this will be hell but I will only tolerate listening to it for a little while; those who said "what a prick you deserve better" - because that is what men say even if they like the ex; to those men who let me cry and said no you are not fat, stupid, and many other things; and mostly to those men who tolerated crying break downs - and are still around for me.

Thank you to my kids.  I wish I could list all the things I put them through; all the times I lost it in the last year or hell the last 24; the kids who are my heart and soul.  The kids who I unintentionally put through harsh times but did so because I didn't know how to handle my life...a life that had been filled with Mrs. and Mom, by choice.  Thank you to the kids who took a break from ME and still do but come back; to the kids who know who Mega Mom is.

Thank you to 3 special people, Monica M, Brian M and John S. - all who helped me through the darkest night of my life - in everything I have ever gone through I have never wanted to end my life.  I believe and believed it was the most selfish thing but mental illness takes over sometimes and these 3 people made sure I didn't give in or up.

Lastly, thank you to my ex-husband.  While I don't understand, get it, am conflicted - what the divorce did was allow me to go crazy and then find myself.  Prove to me and not anyone else that I am WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR and that is ok.  Thank you for loving me for just a little while; thank you for giving me 5 beautiful, wonderful, special kids.  Thank you for letting me go - some days I still am very mad at you about the whole thing but I've moved from bitter and hate to just being mad.  Thank you for trying to take my crazy moments and knowing that our purpose together had ended.

Thank you to the higher power who has looked over me and made sure that while I have struggled I have not failed and I have not given up and I know that there is so much more to come.  I've not parked my ass on the bench...I don't know if I will be a pioneer for the future but I will be a pioneer for the next chapter in my life which will contain much less bitterness.

I DID IT...I thought a year ago I was going to die - literally and figuratively - today I am proof that nothing is impossible.

I have not written in a little while because I'm on the edge of surviving.  I have a pretty good support system; a great therapist and family support and a new job that challenges me everyday with a boss I love working with.

I have not written in awhile because how many times can you complain about the same things over and over.  To people not in the same position its hard to understand.

I have kids trying to find their way - they want me out of their business but call when there is an issue or they need help.  I am the bad guy and then MegaMom from day to day.  I am me but I am mom and ex-Mrs. day to day.

I go to work and I'm Pam.  I have had challenges and still do.  I am the oldest in the office.  I have a bit more experience than others but am fighting being over bearing "hear me roar".  My immediate boss seems happy, we are caught up - even ahead - we seem to be in sync and we have set our boundaries and she is letting more go since she knows she can trust it will get done.

Why do I still feel so inferior?  Why?  I read these articles and they all make it seem so easy - relax; love yourself; let go; on and on and on and on.  But real life doesn't work that way.  I'm not that guy sitting on the roof asking God where he was when he sent 3 different types of help but I am the person who is swimming to FIX everything now.  You know most divorces take a year or more - mine was filed by my ex on June 29th; he moved out on August 21st; the divorce was final November 13th.  I couldn't hang on..yet I still am - I fall back into this pattern...I fall back into talking to him the same way I did for 27 years....bad and good.  3 to 5 hours of therapy a week does not get rid of that.  The best article I read was that I cycled through the stages of grief thinking they ended there rather than accepting they evolved and changed and may come back.  I laughed at every article that said that you need 1 year for every 5 years of marriage.  Where was the article that said 25 years and 5 kids later here is what you need to do?  There are none.  Why has my ex moved on - accepting he had more planning time than I did?  Why does all of this not hurt him as much as it does me?  More importantly - why the hell do I care?  Why does it reduce me to tears and inferiority?

I read an article today that said in a long term marriage, that with divorce and the cycles of grief you had to recognize that you were losing:

"Your partner in building memories and dreams of growing old together Your ally in facing money woes, illness, and even school conferences Your companion to parties, weddings, family celebrations, and IRS audits Your confederate in lovingly outwitting your children Your helpmate who knew just how to unclog the sink, negotiate a car deal, or remember birthdays Your roommate in creating a family home Your forgiving audience to your feeble jokes Your date for Saturday night Your bed mate Your friend. And as you are losing this person, you are also losing: Consistent contact with your children Valued rituals, Inside jokes, The chance to share family memories, Your spouse‟s family and friends, Most of your financial security, Friendships of people who related with you as a couple, Predictability in much of your life, Your sense of personal competence, Maybe even faith that you will love and be loved."

When you file for divorce they should give you this hand out - "oh you have been married for 10, 15, 20, 25 etc..." here you go this is what you may lose.  And they certainly should give it to you when you are served with divorce papers.

"Although the five stages of grieving are necessary for healing, they are not always so clear cut and concise. Most divorcing persons move through the stages more than once (and not necessarily in precisely the same order), sometimes experiencing more than one at the same time. However, you can be comforted by knowing the stages and by your ability to recognize what you‟re feeling and when. You should be heartened to know that with pain comes healing." IF you are impatient like me - moving through this process is just hard - damn hard.

"What we grieve for is not the loss of a grand vision, but rather the loss of common things, events, and gestures. Ordinariness is the most precious thing we struggle for. --Irena Kelpfisz"

Life gets better day by day and actually moment by moment.  Set backs happen.  Some days you curse out the world and others those you love.  But until you have walked one minute in my shoes....

Me and Mental Illness...I am not ashamed, just terrified

I have written about this before, but in 2014 I was diagnosed with bi-polar II disorder.  I said "ok".  I took the medications and spent a year being over medicated; then got some control over that - went to therapy twice a week (yes people in my life will doubt that but I have the bills, they don't know because they didn't ask), I started exercising; I got a job; I started getting out; met new friends; I started having drinks - something I hadn't done in 25 years; I went out with friends; I lost weight and took trips.  I had Bi Polar kicked in the ass.  Most of my therapy was centered on how I got there, not on the diagnosis and what to do and how to handle it.

It just seemed like everything I did was still wrong.  Someone's feelings were hurt; someone was mad at me; someone shut me out; this was hardest of all because I had always been the person who everyone came to, who fixed issues, now I felt like I was begging for one minute of time.  I still had bi-polar kicked in the ass.  I repeated phrases over and over; I breathed; I exercised; I kept a routine; went to therapy.  Bi-Polar was like a fungal infection and it was gone.

At the end of May 2016 I made a major life decision and uprooted my whole life.  All anyone kept telling me was "this will be good, you can start again!"  I went from a Job interview on 5/24 to accepting a job; signing a contract on my house; garage sale; packing; finding a place to live; moving, unpacking and starting a new job from 5/24 to 6/1.  That is 7 days - a week.  Still seemed pretty normal for me.

The job was horrible.  More on that later (some of it written earlier).  I was alone; isolated; did not know anyone; kept getting lost; left work everyday feeling like a failure and wondering WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO.  Every day something went wrong - dropped a glass; cat vomited on the new couch; forgot to tighten the lid on the water dispenser; fell and busted 3 teeth, every day....every day...  and for most of it I had no one to vent to and those I could get on the phone really were tired of it (apparently my pity party had been going on for awhile and I didn't realize it - most thought this move would kick my ass into feeling better).  I don't blame, it is what it is.  My ex-husband said all he knew was that every night was "un-happy hour", even when I hadn't had anything to drink.  All I could see were things in a bubble.  I was being ripped off on my pay and not being paid on time so I had not found a new therapist but this was just an adjustment phase so I didn't really need it yet.  Get a HOLD on your/my life and then start...start everything new because "you have always hated change and this is a lot of change".

Fast forward to July 23rd.  It should have been a great day - I found a job at a place I really like (and I did my research this time); I got to see my oldest son.  But when I texted or called my other kids there was no response; or they were busy; or their phone was charging/dead; or they had plans or they just didn't respond.  I had sent care packages to each of them and no response there either.  My good day went down hill.  (I am not blaming them - I wouldn't have wanted to talk to me either - again it is just a stated fact)  I cried for 9 hours straight.  I had a late night chat with a friend from high school who convinced me that I didn't want to commit suicide; that the thoughts were there but he was sure I wouldn't act on them; that he was there no matter what - no judgment; no shame; just an ear and shoulder and advice when he could.

I cried myself to sleep and then slept for 16 hours.  When I woke up, I looked at myself in the mirror (and I don't usually do that - I usually take my glasses off when I am in front of the mirror).  I got in my car and drove right down the street to the hospital.  That look in the mirror...the texts I had sent...the conversation I had scared the shit out of me.  An MRI later; blood tests later; and a talk with the psychiatrist I was told that in no uncertain terms had I NOT kicked Bi Polar in the ass.  That it was like diabetes - I either controlled it or it ate me alive.  I was allowed to go home with a schedule - which included daily visits to my new psychologist for 2 hours a day every day for a week and then twice a week after that.  I was deemed - "not suicidal".  I guess that is a good thing.

So Bi-Polar II - I have probably had it all my life but lived in a hypo-manic stage with minor dips to depression.  (Anyone remember nights of 2 a.m. emails and then starting again at 6 a.m. or lists of the 100 things I had done in a day; or working 18 hours and sleeping 2 and not eating)?  Yeah all those things are hypo-manic stages.  I was great; invincible; got things done; reckless; great ideas; irritable and aggressive....all signs and symptoms.  Then a crash would come, usually started with daily migraines and an inability to process; to think; to move.  This was the 2nd time I have had this diagnosis.  What is it about having to label someone?  I was just me....or so I thought.  To be honest, I don't know a time when I was me or who me is...all I can figure out today is that I have two modes "all" or "nothing".

So I kicked nothing in the ass but me.  My family and friends do not know about this disease anymore than I do.  Many people do not - so that statement is not blame but a fact.  Most therapist focus on how do you feel what is your day or week been like, what can we do to change that.  However, Bi-Polar is not like that. A proper diagnosis is first; education for yourself and those around you is next; a therapist who deals with Bi-Polar is imperative.  My questions start out as "since our last visit and why?"  They work towards educating me to looking or recognizing the signs something is "off".  They conclude with a list of chores:  Eat; exercise; take my meds; set a schedule; go out - even if it is for a drive; buy nothing; cook; read; reach out to a friend and discuss something other than ME; oh and STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP.  That is the hardest one.  The list gets added to - slowly I am told but enough that I can handle it.  I'm told I need to move more slow; that others judgments about me are their judgments and not necessarily a reflection of the true me and for "God sake quit worrying about who you are, you are you!".

A starting point today was reading an article about how friends and family can help...this on the heals of a long text conversation yesterday.  I thought great an article for everyone, where is my article?  But I re-read the article and it was for me.  I know its only been 2 visits but this therapist is well...in my head.  I was reluctant to choose a male therapist again - last one wasn't in my head except in a negative way (oh and we used him for marriage counseling and he took things I said in private session and repeated them in couples - he told me it was best for me - and I believed him).  So this therapist says my sessions are about my disease and me.  He is in my head because he stops the BS I want to focus on and makes me focus on what the immediate real issue is.  I don't have to get well; I am not going to get better; I won't kick anything in the ass except myself - Bi-Polar is a disease that you manage; you learn about it; you learn to manage it; you work on the symptoms; you find your peace and recognize that flare ups will happen.

So, that accounts for the last 4 days....where I go from here?  I guess it is up to me.  The mask is off; the soul is bared open; the work is ahead...and this place here will be filled with fun facts about Pam while she works this process.

I am NOT ashamed of my mental illness...I am terrified of it...but I am not ashamed and I will no longer apologize for it.  It is not something I did; it isn't something I choose and I am certain it is not who I am.

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/bipolar-disorder/helping-a-loved-one-with-bipolar-disorder.htm

July 26, 2016

It has been two months and two days since I decided to pick up my life, move, take a job in another city.  Looking back it was probably all in an attempt to run away at best and impulsive at least.  I had only been job searching in Corpus for two months and I had a job offer on the table.  The job was not in the area of law I wanted but the salary was good.  However, on the 24th a quick job offer came along followed by a phone call from the real estate agent I had an offer on my house (since gone); It was all immediately what I wanted.  I called it a fresh start.  In reality I think it was a run away... I could start over, I would be safe from prying eyes; I could focus on me.

I went into the job really excited.  My first day should have been a hint.  I was not introduced to anyone; the boss was not there and no one talked to me.  I came home deflated.  For the first week all I heard was "your name is not on the door", "Kim does not like that", "we don't do that".  Then the bullying started.  Items moved on my desk; files moved or gone off my desk; one lawyer who was really ugly to me; a boss who told me that she didn't have time for questions or who would ask every time she passed by "do you not have enough work to do?" (I had 50 files in which no work had been done and the clients had paid and signed up in April - I had plenty of Frigging work but since she didn't take notes I spent a great deal of time figuring out what the clients had even hired us for); oh yeah did I mention the bully lawyer who called me stupid?  Or parked her car so close to mine I couldn't get in my door and climbed in through the hatchback?; Every day got worse and worse.

Personally, three failed contracts on the house - what is it about selling below market value AS IS that people do not get?; a break out of fleas; kids who wouldn't respond to me; then a fall that broke three of my teeth.  Then I up and quit my job after the other lawyer yelled at me again...and was back to a job search; 700.00 in dental bills; and alone.

I keep trying to stay out of my own way but seem to be my own brick wall...or I believed that.

Part II is harder to write and will follow - this is just the start or restart.

Howdy everyone...

Well a great deal has happened since my last post.  I expanded my job search and put the house on the market.  I got a job on May 24rd in Clear Lake....packed up my house, had a garage sale and moved in 9 days.  I am relocated back to my hometown - sort of.

I have now been here 31 days.  I am all unpacked except 2 boxes of fabric; I am finally sleeping through the night; I have stopped getting lost and I am getting out more.

Work is great and a nightmare at the same time.

I miss my kids but some of them are upset with me and so I hurt there.  I miss Corpus - it was my home for 27 years - but I'm not freaked out about leaving anymore.  I really miss my friends.

So life takes another turn... to be honest too much in a years time but probably necessary.

I will try staying on top of my blog now that I am settled.

Validating myself

On my facebook day page I have had several posts where I talked about not feeling productive and then I would list stuff. I've listed my daily activities like I wanted or needed validation that I wasn't just sitting at home worthless. I've come to realize that I needed that validation but not so much from those around me but from myself. What I think I wanted was someone to jump up and down and say - hey the floor is mopped or want me to cook you dinner? It took my oldest son driving from San Antonio to Corpus just to cook me dinner on Easter for me to realize that all of that is great but I had put my own worth so low that no matter what I was doing if someone didn't directly benefit from my actions, I was not productive and therefore just taking up space.

I have come to realize how much I have done in 27 years. How much I still do today. I am sitting here with a clean house; laundry almost done; finished a book and wrote for my blog and I feel good - I feel more than productive.

Why do we tie ourselves to the opinions or validation of others? I wish there was a real answer - like how you can explain how the sky is blue - but the truth is it happens and will keep happening unless you change. Well I seem to be all in and am doing some massive changes - so hang on to your hats :p)