rejection
is my friend
and he's always
by my side
he doesn't leave
even when you ask him to
because that's how stuck he is
to you
Author Unknown
For many years, I've thought on this topic...the who, what, where, when, why and how of rejection and/or abandonment by people who are supposed to love you unconditionally, by people who claim to love you, by friends, by people you don't even know.
I didn't ask to be born. I was not born out of love. I was not wanted. After it was too late to get rid of me, even in a time when it was illegal, a man came into my mothers life and accepted me and loved me and his family did to. I don't know if he ever loved my mother, I think he did - but I think she was like me and felt rejected and abandoned and unwanted. He found someone else and they did love each other and he still loved me. She did not. I don't know what she felt. I felt like she tolerated me at best and pretended at worst. I had no control over my emotional and psychological development. Those were the the formative years. Life laid that out for me at the hands of others. I was the result of many failed things. I felt it but didn't know it. As I got older, I saw it and knew it but couldn't make it better.
In the tween to teen years, especially after He died, I just needed someone to need me; to love me; to make me feel safe. I sought that out and held on with dear life. I want...no needed someone to see ME to show me that I was not nothing. Providing shelter and food is not enough, there was no feeding of the heart, the soul, the emotional well being. I sought that out at every turn. No one told me that in doing that it would just cross boundaries and push people away. Those who stayed seemed and appeared to do so out of obligation, laziness, of a sense of trying to fix something that was already broken.
No, I am not bashing...I'm not down...I'm not doing anything but putting words to emotions that I have felt for so long. How many times can you be rejected in a year? in a life? Is there a set number? If there is, what is it? Oh you can read all the articles, inspirational quotes, meme's and participate in talk therapy all you want but when rejection or pull back happens, the emotions over-flood of just how you are you and who you were raised, instead of the person you want to be.
“I am crying over the loss of something I never had. How ridiculous. Mourning something that never was – my dashed hopes, dashed dreams, and my soured expectations.”
The part of that quote that sticks out for me is "soured expectations". I set the expectations high because I crave them, need them, and to sound really bitchy - feel like I deserve them.
The next part of the quote which enabled me to write this is "I'm crying over the loss of something I never had.". I never had (except with my own children) being wanted, acceptance for me - faults and all; love that was from the heart - with a great majority of the people in my life it was out of obligation. I have cried over the loss of something I never had. I've given, I've accepted, wanted, desired, loved, loved unconditionally, helped, created good, fixed problems, been available and many other things but what I do has no bearing or impact on how others do or give to me.
Henri J.M. Nouwen sums it up for me today:
“Over the years, I have come to realize that the greatest trap in our life is not success, popularity, or power, but self-rejection. Success, popularity, and power can indeed present a great temptation, but their seductive quality often comes from the way they are part of the much larger temptation to self-rejection. When we have come to believe in the voices that call us worthless and unlovable, then success, popularity, and power are easily perceived as attractive solutions. The real trap, however, is self-rejection. As soon as someone accuses me or criticizes me, as soon as I am rejected, left alone, or abandoned, I find myself thinking, "Well, that proves once again that I am a nobody." ... [My dark side says,] I am no good... I deserve to be pushed aside, forgotten, rejected, and abandoned. Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the "Beloved." Being the Beloved constitutes the core truth of our existence.”
Success, popularity, power, love, acceptance, want, desire are all great temptations and I have let them become seductive in my life and then drowning when they fail. I've learned self-rejection from my life and at a time when I could control it, it wasn't a formative issue anymore, so I resorted to that little girl.
I AM BELOVED, by at least five people I know, and maybe more. I am accepted by at least 2 people and I don't need the seductive quality to need more. I am wanted by at least as many people who don't want me.
I am accepted by me...I AM. I AM. I AM. I AM ME - faults, warts, personality traits, baggage and all. MY HEART IS BIG. MY HEART IS LOVING. MY HEART IS ACCEPTING and I am WORTHY of anyone. I AM HERE and I AM.
when you live the rejection
the drab is turned inside out
exposed and at the bottom
no way out aside from up
UP!!! That is where I am going...no one can reject me but ME!
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