My Story is in Chapter 3 or maybe 4

It has taken me awhile to realize this.  "My Story isn't over yet ; "  After events of my life and especially the last two years, I was convinced it was.  The fact is my story is in Chapter 3 or maybe 4.  

I have not been blessed with Grace yet.  I'm working on that.  But bottom line, my story isn't over yet...

I have said it was a job and I did my job of raising my kids and being a wife - but it wasn't a job - in fact it was my joy; it was my life; it was happy more times than it was not.  It was work but it was not a job.  It wasn't somewhere that I planted only to collect something at the end...it was something I put my heart and soul into. I thought that my life was so tied to MRS and MOM but I've realized that I earned the title of MRS but was given the title of MOM and it has and does bring joy to my heart and soul.  

I felt when empty nest and divorce hit that - that end.  It ended me.  I tried many things to show the world it didn't but it did not make a difference on the inside.  Inside I felt broken, rejected, like I FAILED.  My ex said something to me last week that hit me hard for a few days and has taken awhile to sink in:  "the guilt overwhelmed a failed marriage".  That isn't all of what he wrote (I am still trying to figure that out) but a year later, I'm wondering what is a "failed marriage".  Did we fail because we couldn't; because we didn't; because the marriage ended?  Unfortunately, I'm having a hard time associating FAILED to anything the last 25 years.  I had a good to fair marriage; I had five wonderful children - bright, smart, respectful, productive citizens in this world who managed to fill me with joy that overwhelms any times I was upset with them; I had friends (have); I created life; I created and maintained a home.  I LOVED.  None of it was perfect but it was not FAILURE.  

I'm still a long way behind my ex in figuring things out and being comfortable right now.   I'm still mad some times.  I'm still sad sometimes.  But all those emotions I am working on putting into their appropriate file and I'm dropping the filter in my brain so the words that come out of my mouth or fingers are well thought out and if they are on a whim it is a result of ME being ME and not out of hate or bitterness.  

I did not FAIL.  I am not a FAILURE.  I had the wonderful experience of 25 years and five kids - the good, bad and ugly.  FAILURE is only important if you let it be.  Websters defines failure as "an omission of occurrence or performance, specifically a failing to perform a duty or expected action; the lack of success; a falling short."  Despite everything in my life, I challenge someone to point out how I fit that definition.  The only failure is to stop performing the duty or expected action...people use the word FAILURE to often and in a context that equates with success...but it is not what the word means, it is not a feeling any of us should have.  If I get up tomorrow, I have already succeeded.  

So while I may lack Grace right now; while my crazy may be showing still - I am a success...I am succeeding and I will continue to do so and no one can tell me any differently.  My fight, my life, my successes and to say I failed is an insult to at least 5 joys of my life!