I am not a failure

I read an article that said “A marriage exists between two people. A marriage is a connection between two people. It is not either of them; it’s outside. When a marriage ends in divorce, it’s the relationship between the couple that’s a failure not either of the spouses.”

This kind of smacked me in the face.  My young boss and I had a conversation the other day about Mrs. vs. Ms.  She is married and I kept typing Mrs.  She wasn’t mad but said Mrs. just made her feel old.  I was baffled but then I thought how much stock I put into MRS.  I’m proud of MRS.  I was MRS for almost 25 years.  I (why is there no way to make I stand out?)…I did not fail at being MRS.  The relationship failed.  Now there are many reasons a relationship fails.  I have a journal that is up to 107 reasons why (and I just started it last week).  My goal is not to make the failure mine but attributed the failures to the relationship between the couple.  It is a hard exercise.  Some days it feels futile, others it helps me make it through.  

The rest of the article had some good points: (quoting)

1.   You have always been more than a spouse. Your role as a spouse was just a small part of who you are as a person. As a person you have all kinds of roles you fill every day already that you can choose at any moment to define your identity: father, mother, daughter, son, employee, manager, volunteer, driver, etc. You can also choose a new identity for yourself now that you’re no longer a spouse especially if you remember that “you are powerful beyond measure” and you’re so much greater than a failure.
 

2.   There are no grades for how you live your life. You’ve always done your best with the resources, ability and understanding you’ve had each and every moment of your life. There’s no way you or anyone else can change the fact that as a human you’re predetermined to do your best. That doesn’t mean that as you learn and experience more that you would have done things differently if you were to face the same situations today. It just means that you’re being perfectly you all the time. And there’s no way that you can be a failure.
 

3.   You become what you think about. You can absolutely make sure you’re miserable by focusing on how miserable you are or should be. You can absolutely make sure that you become a failure if all you focus on is feeling like a failure.

End quote. 

Unfortunately, that is not how my mind was set when I was a kid or when I got married.  My identity has always been tied to what I did.  If I allowed it to be tied to who am I then I felt like I would wither away.  Last week I challenged my FB friends to describe me in two words and aside from a couple that mentioned mom in a positive way; none mentioned wife, quilter, soccer, etc.  My mind’s eye has only seen me one way. 

This article sets up #2 with how we are conditioned to use grades to make measurements.  It is funny how when I do something less than perfect or close to perfect at work, I start apologizing.  I have been lead to believe that my life had to be on an A to F scale and for awhile I’ve hovered around D’s and F’s.  Why is that?  I can name so many good things.  No. 2 and 3 go together.  Someone asked me the point of a life coach now but this is why.  I’ve let some part of me control that my actions, deeds, who I thought I should be, what I failed at control whether I was a failure or not.  I’ve qualified statements before; well that qualification is because I know I’m not a failure.  My divorce does not make me a failure.  Some of my actions contributed to a failed marriage…that is so different.

Start again, at the beginning of this post, those five pictures are PROOF I did not fail; I am not a failure...

Keep reading – my story is not over ;

***Credit to Author Karen Finn for the excellent points***