Controlling

For most of my adult life people have called me controlling but it was always with a laugh.  I saw it as a reflection on being in charge, directing traffic, knowing the information and planning ahead for everything. 

Yesterday I saw a note that said I was controlling and it was in a bad way and I saw that.  At first it hit me hard but as I reflected and did some reading I realized it was true. 

They say that being controlling comes out of a place of fear and can be deep rooted in things that happened to you.  Without going into a lot of detail, I had little to no control over my life growing up.  I always played the “helper” to appease those around me.  When I was 18 I was thrust into control.  I did pretty well until I got married.  I see that looking back.  All the old fears crept in.  I again became afraid that all of the negatives I had heard growing up would send my husband running away from me.  I would wake up every morning with a feeling of dread and urgency.  My mind would race through the list of people I cared about, pressing issues, needs and problems and anyone or anything that may need my attention for the day.  I would then think through everything everyone in my family needed to do and devise a plan to make sure that no one forgot anything so there were no issues later. I am a control freak.  I see that now.  I like to know what will or won’t happen.  I try to contain, predict, analyze and understand things more than I possibly can.  I over think every mistake.  If I mess up at work, my first thought is I would get fired; if I messed up at home, my first thought was my husband would leave; if I mess up with the kids, my first though is they will stay away from me.  The list goes on and on.  It is a losing game.  

I worked/work hard and have succeed at most everything I do.  However, it is hard for me to delegate.  I don’t like unassigned seating and I do not make a good passenger in the car.  Of course, I am really reliable, ambitious and I don’t lose tickets or keys or anything.  I adhere to deadlines and get stuff done. 

After 24 years of marriage and five kids I suddenly lost all that control. I fought it hard.  I fought so hard that I damaged relationships with my family.  The more anyone pulled away; left; shut down; the HARDER I fought for control.  I was expecting everyone to be patient with me and accept what I felt when I wasn’t patient and couldn’t even name what was going on. 

I think that what people don’t understand is that being controlling is not so much about the people around us as it is about us.  Weird I know but when I seek/sought to control how everyone was going to get to a place or coordinating all the different schedules to a tee--it was not all about making sure they got there on time and safely.  It was because I was afraid someone would be late and it would reflect poorly on me; it was because I feared if I left it to someone else if something went wrong I would be blamed; the list went/goes on and on.  It became so ingrained. 

I didn’t want to see that my controlling behavior was a mask for fear and anxiety.  How that the times in my marriage and in raising my kids when I had no control made me grip harder and control harder and that being that way has damaged my relationships. 

Today, I’m going to work on changing my pattern of behavior.  I’m going to do this for ME, for my kids and my family.  I am not going cold turkey…but baby steps to make sure I change the pattern of behavior rather than just mask it.   

Positivity - it is a word - I'm just using it as a verb and not a noun...

It is becoming increasingly difficult for me to write.  Write anywhere - in my journal, my blog, facebook, emails.  I have to wonder how dissecting my life and day helps because I seem to be able to only do it negatively.  I can't focus on my share of the last 28 years or the positives.  Something that in my daily life and with my words I am actively trying to do.  I know what I need to change.  I know what I need to do and wonder if actively doing that is more productive?  I have created so much negativity in my life that I'm tired.  I know what went wrong.  Do I really need to know the how?  The why?  There were some really good things that came out of the last 28 years so do I really need to look backwards at everything?

There are many hurts out there on all sides.  I feel like I should move ahead rather than returning to the well to try and pick up drops of water out of a 28 year bucket.  I need to learn to write with more positivity; to see the good that happened; to learn to intellectually (not just emotionally) accept the past and embrace the future.  Just as the worst I have done, said, thought and believed does not make up ME it does not make up my life.  I have had and still have GOOD and I choose to live that.

My favorite lines in this song:

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am

by Brandi Carlile

I have loved.  I have been loved.  I still have love to give.  I have been broken. I have broke.  I am not the worthless I have felt. I am not the hate I have felt and projected. I WILL NOT STAY THE BROKEN GIRL.  I am laying all my shattered pieces down.  I am accepting my part in life and letting the stars shine through my eyes.  

Three years...

Much of my life has offered "trauma/drama" in bulk.  It isn't one thing but a series that last for a long time.

Three years ago this week I was accused of stealing money from a non-profit.  We were advised that if we just paid what they said nothing could happen.  We paid, we walked away to make the pain stop.  It was devestating.  I had given almost 18 years to that organization as well as other non-profits and did so with the sole purpose of helping.  I should have left that organization a couple of years earlier, it had changed and was not in line with my ideals or goals.  This incident broke me.  I remember crying for at least three weeks.  I could not eat or sleep.  My then husband was angry.  My parents were angry.  My kids were angry.  My then husband wanted to seperate but his brother convinced him to stay.  Every outburst produced a new drug.  Every bone in my body hurt.  That produced another drug.  I couldn't sleep.  That produced another drug.  I couldn't stay awake.  That produced another drug.  At one point I was on 9 medications and 5 vitimins.  I slept walked through a hysterical year.  I couldn't think.  I screamed.  I was paranoid.  I was angry.  I needed human touch.  I needed someone to wrap me up and protect me from the world and myself.  I was TOO MUCH for everyone around me.  Those closest couldn't do it and those far away tried but it was never enough.  Every day was hurtful.  The sun hurt my eyes.  Noise hurt my head.  Quiet hurt my heart.  Slowly my world kept unraveling.  I only have journals, which are chicken scratch, to remind me.  Those in of themselves are heartbreaking.  To me and others who have admitted (and those who deny) reading them.  I seem to have hurt other people during this year but I also almost destroyed myself.

The end of childhood was approaching.  The last child was graduating and going off to college.  The 2nd and 3rd children were graduating college and moving into "adulting".  The plan was that we would work for a bit and save and then bee able to travel.  Pay off our bills and live a quiet life because we were young enough to still do things like hiking or traveling non-stop.

Things got worse toward the end of the first year.  I have since come to find out that 3 of the medications I was on were contra-indicated for each other - one of them made me balloon to 190 pounds and had me wound so tight I thought I would snap at any minute and most days I did.  My husband pulled further and further away.  At one point he has said "I just never knew which Pam I was going to get on any given day."

I was diagnosed with bi-polar II.  A diagnosis that today is disputed but we are exploring.  My ex-husband was seeing his own therapist.  He insisted I was not taking therapy seriously.  Maybe I was and maybe I wasn't.  Each person I saw wanted more medications and kept telling me my "husband" had one foot out the door and we needed to prepare me for life alone.  I would stop going and move on to someone else.  I didn't want to hear that.  However, even they saw the writing on the wall.

Two years ago this month, at some point, for his own reasons, which he will not tell me with any intellectual honesty, he filed for divorce.  He says he did it after an argument and in a fit of anger.  Reality is that when he left that morning he had taken his ring off and left it next to our bed.  That was a finality.  There was no thinking.  He filed for divorce that day.  He did tell me that night but for a long time I blocked that out and denied he told me.  I raged.  If I had cancer would he leave?  So I have a mental disorder and you leave.  It sounded great and pitiful and was all mine.  He left.  He came back.  He had some conditions.  I had to get a job to help with the debt.  I had to take therapy seriously (I was insulted by that because I knew I was.  Now I look back and realize I was looking for someone to tell me what I wanted to hear and how to fix it.  Not share reality with me. ) I think there was one more thing but for the life of me I can't remember.  I put out there he had to dismiss the divorce; put his ring back on and move back in.  We agreed.

It did not last long.  I became angry because he moved back in but didn't unpack.  He became just more sad and angry.  He wouldn't talk about it.  I found a therapist who I thought was great.  He helped me off the drugs and in our sessions I started to get a grip and felt better.  Then he suggested marriage counseling with him.  That lasted three sessions.  My "husband" suggested I might have Borderline Personality Disorder.  I was shocked.  He said someone told him about it and he researched it.  I fit almost all of the categories.  I raged that Bi-Polar had a lot of the same symptoms.  How dare he.  Every validation I got in my individual session was torn away in the couple session.  Things I shared with the therapist, he would put me on the spot to ask if he could share with my husband.  My world was being turned upside down again.  On the last session my "husband" announced that he was done and that it was over.  I was struck between stunned, anger, guilt, shame, rage and a tiny bit of relief.

He left.  It wasn't an honest leaving and certainly was not graceful.  In turn I cried.  I screamed.  I raged.  I shouted.  I cussed.  I told secrets to anyone who would listed.  I tried every guilt tactic I could.  I was not the bad guy here and everyone was going to know it.  I was uncouth and had no class or grace.  I even drug my children into it.

The emotions I felt are hard to describe.  I felt everything.  If you looked at me sideways, I felt it.  Everything.  He again had taken off his ring.  Saying that even if we were still married that because he was not living there he would not wear it.  He had done that earlier in the summer too.  It broke my heart.  He left the kids out of it.  He got everything new.  He got the good credit.  The new car.  The new furniture.  I was left everyday with the memories.  Remember when we bought the Tahoe?  Remember when we spent half a day picking out the bedroom suite?  Remember...Remember... everywhere I turned in the house was a 28 year reminder of LIFE.

Again, I did not do separation or divorce with any class or grace.  He became more immune to it as time went on.  He tried to help but every time I relied on him it made my "divorce crazy" worse.  I clung to it.  I could not let go.  Slowly as he became more tolerant and more patient, my kids became less so.

That was the end of the 2nd year.  The end of the 3rd year had produced a year of drinking regularly and in excess.  Having three different jobs.  Moving from the city I had lived in for 28 years back to my hometown.  Then another move out of the first apartment after the loss of the third job.  Every set back set me BACK.  Every step forward was not looked at.  Every slight kept alive like a lightening bug in a jar.  Every thing I didn't know about with him or the kids drove me crazy.  Why was I the center hub for 25 years but all of a sudden cut out?  I interrogated.  I over-shared.  I said things that can never be taken back.  I stalked.  I smiled.  I tried to talk and put pressure on everyone around me, especially my kids, about how great they were and had carried me and my burden.  I won't agree that I was abusive.  I was lost. I was hurt.  I had no tools to cope and my family and then my in-law family of 28 years had cut me out.  I was too much and lines were drawn.  Granted I was usually the one drawing them but they were drawn.  Every soothing word from my ex (because he was my ex at this point) just sent me over the cliff.  I rushed into everything...men, alcohol, jobs, spending.  You name it, I didn't do anything in moderation or with forethought.  Demanding inquisitions popped out of my mouth before I could stop them.  The further the kids and friends, but mostly kids, pulled away for their own sanity, the worse I got.

Recently a child said I was abusive and had Borderline Personalty Disorder.  I was shocked; hurt; angry.  I sat with it for awhile.  It isn't all true but there were probably times I fit into some abusive "now" category.  I did have moments during their childhood where I would explode. However, as a child I was never allowed to be expressive and when I was I was put into submission.  Things just built up.  What I guess hurt the most was that the children were my life.  I loved them heart and soul and still do.  I was not perfect but our kids did not suffer abuse like my ex and I did.  So for someone to say that so easily hurt.  It is my hurt but their right. I can only hope that one day they see that sometimes you do things in life that you can't control and looking back it may have hurt you but it was not intentional or done with malice and forethought.  I was doing the best I could with the tools, support and life matters they will never know about.

So now three years later...I am in a new job.  A new apartment.  Once again rebuilding my credit.  Learning to be mindful.  Learning to be an active listener.  Learning that everyone is entitled to their own feelings.  That everyone, including me is entitled to their past and their memories and feelings over those memories.  That everyone, including me will forgive and love again.  That damage may have been done but the water under the bridge has a way of smoothing the stones back out.

I am living day by day and doing it now medication free, only a couple of drinks a week, without guilt, with friends, with family, with God/Higher Power, with forgiveness for myself and others.  I am living day by day trying to be mindful and not forget the past but not dwell in it.  My purpose is not for everyone around me but for me.  I hope one day those I have hurt can forgive me.  I hope that one day I can be better and those in my life realize that I am worth it because the love I have to offer is greater than the breakdown I went though and may have pushed others too.  I hope one day I have the power to remember life as a breath of fresh air, the good and the bad, and live in peace.

The journey has been hard and as I dissect it further may be even harder but I feel ready to face things with honesty, compassion, mindfulness, love and grace.

Blessed but still Broken or bruised or...

I know that I am very blessed and in many ways.  I know that my life has not been and is not as hard as some I know and many whom I do not.  I also know that I am broken and some days I am worthless.  These are valid feelings and can't be measured against anyone else.  What may seem like your worst day I may handle with ease and vice versa.

I am still finding my baseline and how to handle things when I get triggered.  I am proud that I am doing it with only cigarettes and caffeine.  However, it will make life for those around me and who love and care hard.  If it is hard for you to watch just think how hard it is for me to handle the water that pulls me under.  My ex-husband aptly put it when he said "I don't know which "you" I am going to get on any given day".  At first that hurt, today it is just reality.  

Yesterday, multiple things happened that proved too much for me to handle and handle alone, even though I wasn't alone, I was physically here alone and felt like floating back into the ocean and had to fight it with every fiber of my being.  

Today, I had one thing that happened and handled it easily and without any thought.  This is MY LIFE.  I can only try on a day to day basis.  I can only not give up.

This is what I am trying to work on. 

Life has dealt me cards that I didn't ask for, want or need.  Life has dealt me who I am today.  Life has given me everyone in my life, for better or worse.  

I can't say and won't say "I'm sorry" anymore.  I have to let this out because I held it in for many years and probably did more damage.  I am broken, that is not a pity party or whatever you want to label it because it is easier, it is the truth.  I am trying to re-build all the pieces and maintain some dignity while doing it.  I pray for Grace through the process but that hasn't come yet.  

I read an article today from a Buddhist monk who said let it go, don't try and contain and control it.  It is only when I realize that I can't contain and control it that I will let go of IT containing and controlling me. 

I have an awful lot of WONDERFUL people in my life.  I lean on that daily.  I am greatful and thankful for it, but I do not need to be fixed.  I do not need to stop.  I do not need to be medicated.  I NEED to know the wonderful people are there; I need to learn my triggers and how to effectively deal with them; I need to re-build into who I was meant to be and not the broken person I was born as; I need to not contain and control this and take one day at a time and one broken moment at a time.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6gHwHIHPs3U&list=PLTXQB8znEi3XquqbhuJoW-txTnqSbhHUC&index=16

WORTHLESS...

For the last two years, specifically, I have wanted to die. I won't do that - because it is the most selfish thing that can happen in life. I am however going to retreat and withdraw. I have nothing anyone wants or needs. I will just exist.

I hereby revoke every estate document except my DNR and all promises I have made to anyone.

I am not worthy and have not been since the day I was conceived. My sole purpose in life was to give birth to 5 kids who have grown up wonderfully despite me.

I cannot love nor be loved.

I am not deserving of life and have not been since the date of conception.

My life is not productive but that of a broken, unlovable, liar, cheat, thief, unlikable, attention seeking and all around horrible person. These are not the ramblings of a "crazy" mind but those of one thinking clearly and having examined my part in everyone's life.

I do not blame those in my life but myself because I was given so many opportunities to change all that karma had to throw at me. I squandered that and ruined the lives of all.

I will not be missed because I am not worthy. I will not be missed because I was never wanted - just tolerated. I will not be missed because...life does not miss people who are as broken as me and who seek not love but attention; who seek attention and not peace; who were never wanted and needed but just broken. I did not ask for this it was the life I was born into. I tried - maybe not as hard as I could or should have - but I tried to break the cycle of destruction and ended up only making it worse and being alone.

It would seem I did what I needed to and what God wanted - I carried and helped raise 5 wonderful, beautiful, successful kids. Now the world needs to take care of them because I didn't, couldn't and should have.

Help yourself to my belongings - they are worth nothing. Help yourselves to my memories because they are all I have and those memories include everyone who tried so hard to be there for me despite everything. As the World Turns...I will exist...I will...realize that I am nothing and everyone around me has had enough - including me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=guaG981MLoQ&index=19&list=FLWXF2n9VsmpOrbEZk3t3Yag

Storms of Life

For at least the last seven years, I have been on one form of medication or another.  Hydrocodone, prednisone, methatrexate, sinus sprays, sinus medications (over the counter and prescription), at least five different antidepressants, a mood stabilizer, an anti-psychotic, an anti-anxiety medication, hormonal drugs, high blood pressure medication, insomnia medications, and vitamins of all sorts.  From July of 2014 until recently there were times I was on all of those at the same time.  We should, for intellectual honesty, also mention the "self medicating" I have done.

I can honestly say that for the first time in seven years, the only "drug" I am on is an Over 40 Women's Multi-Vitamin and today is my 11 day celebration.

I have been diagnosed with so many things but in the last 3 years, a major depressive episode resulting in a Bi-Polar II diagnosis.  I had a major depressive episode - was diagnosed and then drugged up.  I am not blaming anyone.  The professionals I saw did what they knew and thought was right.  I have been diagnosed by non-professionals with Border Line Personality Disorder and other "ugly" sounding things as well.

I honestly do not know if I have a mental disorder, am pissed off or just spent so much time wrapped up in being perfect and proving myself and then on so many medications that it all looked like something that it wasn't or isn't.

Did you know that the side effects of prednisone can mimic so many mental disorders? Then add in other drugs and the "cocktail" can become something it isn't.

The point of my "detox" is not to do anything other than determine a baseline.  For the first time in my life I really only have me to worry about.  Not that I don't worry about everyone else in my life, but my obligations are limited right now to me.  I have to figure out what is going on and why and I can't do that if I am forever on some "mood altering" drug.  Medications are good and necessary but a life altering event or events can mask what is really wrong and the wrong combination of medications can mask it even further (and we will leave talking about the realtional side effects of all that for another post).

So the journey down the path to finding out my life, past and present, has been started.  I'm fully detoxed from all the drugs/prescriptions and will put one foot in front of the other to find out who I am with a clear head.  If, in that process it is determined I need a medication I won't resist, it just has to be the right one and for the right diagnosis.

I have been labeled since conception.  This time if I get a label it will be because I pulled up my boot straps and figured it out instead of using everyone and everything as a crutch.

Two years...or longer?

Today is two years since life was forever altered and almost three years since the downward spiral of my life and marriage.  I’m not sure how I feel about it as I sit here today.  I don’t know exactly how it changed me.  Do the good changes outweigh the bad changes?  What if anything did I learn from it and if I did learn something was it productive or destructive.  Maybe both.  I spent last night reading journals of my interpretation of what was happening in my life.  I can’t say I was an active participant.  I was alone, emotionally and physically.  I was scared.  I was drugged out.  I had binges of anger.  I had binges of paranoia.  I had to write things down to remember them and to this moment I do not know how much of what I wrote was accurate or what my damaged mind interpreted it too.  I have essentially spent the last three years in a downward spiral in which my family and friends could not be around me.  They could not accept me.  They tried so hard to love me but they couldn’t and I made it harder for them to do and be all those things I needed.  Those who could give, couldn’t give enough.  I had damaged my world and my loved ones in a way that damaged who I was and who everyone thought I was. 

Somedays I am very angry over the entire scene.  No one sought help for me.  Oh I was told “you need medication”; “you need therapy”; “you need to eat”; “you need to sleep” and so on and so on.  However, no one actually intervened.  At one point I lost 25 pounds in 4 weeks; had slept about 15 hours in that 4 weeks and was on 9 different medications, many of which were counter-indicated to each other.  I had not stopped crying, crying hysterically for any length of time.  No one in my life saw the destruction to me that was happening and did anything.  There was no intervention.  No push for help.  No picking me up off the floor and seeking a way to help me. 

I am also sad about this.  Was I not worth the help?  Did I damage everyone around me so badly that not one person could help me in a medical, psychological or loving way?  How did the damage I suffered throughout my life put me to the point where no one could help me?  What would it have taken for my friends and family to load me in a car and have me checked out and in with professionals who could help me and maybe help them? 

Words…words and more words.  Words did not help me.  Questions.  Why did it get to the point where it was easier to walk away then deal with the issues?  Why were phrases like “I need to find myself”; “We are not where I thought we would be at this point in life”; “You have ruined relationships.”; “I don’t need to tell you anything.”; “I never know what you I am going to get on any given day”; easier to say than to help me?  How many times did I help others in my family?  How many times did I hold it all up and together for everyone around me?  Why were my failings so hard on me and everyone?  Is there an answer or did the world just fracture too much this time for anyone to hold it together? 

So much wrong and all the right went away.  I tried so hard to not see the world that way.  Every fault and failing and mistake, regardless of whose, I would rage against and get angry but eventually I accepted and took the apology and recognized the supposed shame and tried to heal myself and those around me because I believed, well no to a certain extent, I still believe, that someday if I ever needed it, those in my life could hold me together; be my glue; would rage against me but try and help me heal and accept and love me still.  I believed. 

Two years of wondering; of fighting; of screaming; of raging; of not getting “IT”  I  wonder if any of it is mine to get?  I wonder if this was the plan all along.  Not of his and not of mine but of the universe. 

I have to learn, again, that I am my own glue.  That I have to hold myself together.  I have to admit what I can’t handle.  I have to accept that there are a great many things that are not “mine” to handle.  I have to love me.  That I am responsible for me.  I cannot correct the past or the wrongs done by me and too me.  I can try to atone for them by being the Me I know I can be and the Me I want to be.  I can’t force anyone to forgive; to love me; to support me; to hold me together.  I can only be and accept that those in my life have to now be responsible to themselves as well and not to me and I have to be responsible to me so when I need to be there I can.  

Thanksgiving

So this was my second Thanksgiving single and wading through the life of as a Mom to five kids who had traditions which had to change midstream and making it so it was as comfortable for the kids and myself as could be.

Turned out to be a great week.  My boss let us go early from work Tuesday.  We had Wednesday off.  Thursday, unexpectedly Kaitie (because of flight issues) came for dinner.  The boys were here and Paul's girlfriend was too.  We had a full on dinner without corn - because I forgot the corn.  Patrick did the dishes, Kaitie and Paul put the food up...we divided who took home what and had a great few hours.  My kids are adults - I cannot decide if that makes me what to smile or cry.

I am very lucky and despite other blog posts and feelings I have at any given hour, I know I am lucky - even if my situation went bad - not many people get the chance to have what I have had in life.

So I am THANKFUL.

Blog post #1 - emotional for me

Over the course of my 48 years I have been called many things, to my face and behind my back.  In the last 30 months those names upped the ante.

Crazy

Irrational

Thief

Emotional Terrorist

Abusive

Alcoholic

Over emotional

Paranoid

Illogical

A bad wife

A bad parent

Shrewd

A Shrew

Unworthy

An emotional Drain

A physiological drain

Unstable

Mean

Hateful

A know-it-all

Fat

Ugly

Damaged

Boring

Stupid

Idiot

Liar

Disrespectful

Clingy

Destroyer of self-esteem

Over Bearing

Destroyer of all that is good
Toxic

These are the words that come off the top of my head.  My Life Coach had me do an exercise where people had to say two positive things about me.  I got a lot of positive responses.  Enough that made my head swell.  Made my ego swell and I tackled the session, the night and some good time to evaluate myself as these people saw me. 

Unfortunately, what do you do with those who have said the list above about you? When those are people who are supposed to love you and you are supposed to love unconditionally?

How do you turn those phrases, that people whom you love and respect or respected, have said them about you?  How do you see the good in yourself? 

I have seen myself as firm, strong, willful, dominant, demanding but would lay my life on the line for anyone.  How did what I have done for 28 years turn into me being the bad guy with so many labels.  How do you gain those labels when you are 3? 5? 10? 15? 18? 

How many times do I have to say “no this is what happened” before I lose my mind before life becomes such that I believe all or part of the list above?  I’ve spent 2 years living it for sure and still to this day hear those comments.  I keep trying to say look at me…I’m functioning…I’m working…I’m productive…I AM ME.  But it is never enough?  Why? 

I don’t have an answer to that.  I’ve never thought of myself as most of the things on that first list but it has been said and implied so much that I am caught between adamantly disavowing it to just ignoring it and saying that if the relationship is so unhealthy those words can be used that time needs to pass.

I just don’t know what to do with the emotions now. 

I want to truly believe that I am:

A great Mom

I was a good wife

I am worthy

I am loving

I am good

I am smart

I am good at my job

I am a good person

I am beautiful inside and out

I AM ME – I am who God made me and he doesn’t make mistakes.

So why can’t I believe that?  Why does the voice in my head go back to the first list.  No matter how many times, I try and make it right; no matter what I say or do in some people’s eyes I am everything on the first list and nothing more. 

Today, I don’t know who to believe.  I don’t know what words to believe and I most certainly am having a hard time trusting the emotions. 

I’m so drained from defending myself; proving myself; saying sorry; being hurt.  I want to be…I want to……………………………………..

Hanging in and hanging on....

I had these great elaborate plans to post after the reunion and then some health issues came up.

I had these great elaborate plans to post how I am working hard to untangle the "knot" of 28 years and instead I picked up the phone and talked, cried, scream, yelled, cussed, talked and...well....

I had these great elaborate plans to do so much but then this weekend it hit me:

Many of my facebook posts over the years have talked about how much I did in a day and asked what productivity was.

Well, I was productive alright - I got it all done and more - I put many of people to shame with my lists.  But what I didn't do was slow down; rest; listen; talk; LISTEN; and just be.  I'm not talking about the all new rage of mindfulness - I mean just be...like accepting it is ok to sit and watch Netflix all day long.  Or to take a 2 hour walk; or read a book until 3 a.m. knowing you still had to get up the next day.  To spend 2 hours having coffee or talking to your kid no matter how old they are.  To call a friend up and have an actual conversation.  I was productive in all the right ways but the wrong ways too.

So productive - FUCK YEAH I have been productive over the years - but here is the kicker...the next 30 plus years will be about being productive for me; productive in a way that suits my tastes; productive in a way defined by me and not the world around me or the responsibilities - real or imagined.  Productive in a way that helps me grow, love, learn and be there - in the here and now - for people.

So here is to realizing how much potential I have even if the most productive thing I do in a day is clean out the cat box and hit "yes" on the Netflix message of "are you sure you want to continue watching".  

***no dig on my own five kids; all the other kids I carted around for years and had flying marshmallow camp outs with - it is just my time, I was there for your time!

I am worthy! ;

Even though I knew there were major things wrong, my marriage felt healthy compared to the life I grew up with and the life my ex-husband grew up with.  I couldn’t and still have a hard time not seeing that I was a failure at marriage rather than my marriage failed. 

Somehow, soon after I said I do, I lost myself and my sense of self.  Oh it was still there when it had to be but when it came to me and my ex-husband or me and my marriage it was gone.  I felt crazy, all the time.  “I said I was getting ready to leave work, not I was leaving work” and so dinner was late or burned or dryed out; “I told you…”; “I did this because you did that”.  “I’m too tired to talk about this”; “I don’t get what you are so upset over”.  The list goes on and on. 

If I was sick, I was over reacting; if I was feeling lonely I was attention seeking; if I just went on a tear I was crazy and my ex would shut down because he said it reminded him of growing up.  I don’t know how many times he said or made me think I was the stressor in the marriage.  I put on the smile; brave front; did not complain to my friends; isolated myself so I wouldn’t have anyone to gripe to because his status was more important.  I read that statement and think how did I do that.  I can’t blame him – I let myself believe I was not important. 

I am NOT CRAZY – not in this situational setting.  It is funny, I finally had a major depressive episode in 2014 over something I did and part of my brain said “you can do this, you can let go, have this episode; be crazy – you have a loving partner who will be there.”  Instead it was the ending.  Then I spent an entire year during the up and down of secrets; lies; moving in and out again thinking I was crazy and at this point, I think I was and I know I was driving my kids and everyone around me crazy but every rejection by a person I had ever had in my life piled on my head; in my head and in my heart.  How is the person that I loved; that I spent 27 years with, how was he not strong enough to help me when I fell apart?  I took the blame for this for about the last 25 months.  No longer.  I was strong when I was required to be; when I needed to be; when I had to be and the minute I broke – I was not good enough…that is not my failure.

So the picture above does not accurately reflect the post but it is there to remind me that one day I will thank "him" and others for my journey. 

My Story  Is Not Over ; 

I am not a failure

I read an article that said “A marriage exists between two people. A marriage is a connection between two people. It is not either of them; it’s outside. When a marriage ends in divorce, it’s the relationship between the couple that’s a failure not either of the spouses.”

This kind of smacked me in the face.  My young boss and I had a conversation the other day about Mrs. vs. Ms.  She is married and I kept typing Mrs.  She wasn’t mad but said Mrs. just made her feel old.  I was baffled but then I thought how much stock I put into MRS.  I’m proud of MRS.  I was MRS for almost 25 years.  I (why is there no way to make I stand out?)…I did not fail at being MRS.  The relationship failed.  Now there are many reasons a relationship fails.  I have a journal that is up to 107 reasons why (and I just started it last week).  My goal is not to make the failure mine but attributed the failures to the relationship between the couple.  It is a hard exercise.  Some days it feels futile, others it helps me make it through.  

The rest of the article had some good points: (quoting)

1.   You have always been more than a spouse. Your role as a spouse was just a small part of who you are as a person. As a person you have all kinds of roles you fill every day already that you can choose at any moment to define your identity: father, mother, daughter, son, employee, manager, volunteer, driver, etc. You can also choose a new identity for yourself now that you’re no longer a spouse especially if you remember that “you are powerful beyond measure” and you’re so much greater than a failure.
 

2.   There are no grades for how you live your life. You’ve always done your best with the resources, ability and understanding you’ve had each and every moment of your life. There’s no way you or anyone else can change the fact that as a human you’re predetermined to do your best. That doesn’t mean that as you learn and experience more that you would have done things differently if you were to face the same situations today. It just means that you’re being perfectly you all the time. And there’s no way that you can be a failure.
 

3.   You become what you think about. You can absolutely make sure you’re miserable by focusing on how miserable you are or should be. You can absolutely make sure that you become a failure if all you focus on is feeling like a failure.

End quote. 

Unfortunately, that is not how my mind was set when I was a kid or when I got married.  My identity has always been tied to what I did.  If I allowed it to be tied to who am I then I felt like I would wither away.  Last week I challenged my FB friends to describe me in two words and aside from a couple that mentioned mom in a positive way; none mentioned wife, quilter, soccer, etc.  My mind’s eye has only seen me one way. 

This article sets up #2 with how we are conditioned to use grades to make measurements.  It is funny how when I do something less than perfect or close to perfect at work, I start apologizing.  I have been lead to believe that my life had to be on an A to F scale and for awhile I’ve hovered around D’s and F’s.  Why is that?  I can name so many good things.  No. 2 and 3 go together.  Someone asked me the point of a life coach now but this is why.  I’ve let some part of me control that my actions, deeds, who I thought I should be, what I failed at control whether I was a failure or not.  I’ve qualified statements before; well that qualification is because I know I’m not a failure.  My divorce does not make me a failure.  Some of my actions contributed to a failed marriage…that is so different.

Start again, at the beginning of this post, those five pictures are PROOF I did not fail; I am not a failure...

Keep reading – my story is not over ;

***Credit to Author Karen Finn for the excellent points***

I'd like to say I am done but I am just starting....

I am done not fully being myself.

I have realized that I am the only self I can be. 

I am done questioning my motives, intentions and seeking answers to questions I already know the answer too.  

I am done with striving, forcing, pushing through and staying on the hardest path.  

I am done with distractions and denials.  My character is worth more.  

I am done trying to please everyone, it will never happen.  

I am done questioning myself.  

I am done battling myself. 

I am done apologizing.  I am who I am.  I did not make me this way but accept it.  My light shines even if it is in my own eyes.  

I am done with remorse and should haves and ought to's.  I did my job, I did my duty, I did my love and I did it well.  

I am done trying to know all the answers except as they pertain to me.  

I am done with trying to be understood - no one has walked my life.  

I am done beating myself up..try to make me do that again...I FUCKING DARE YOU.  

I married young.  I had a career young.  I was great at both.  I was a good wife.  I am a good person. I may have issues, I have history that has caused some issues but I AM ME. I AM ME.  I strive, I am worthy....

30th High School Reunion - Go Golden Eagles

Klein Forest Flying Eagles…

At the time (1982 to 1986) there were two Klein HS’s – Klein and Klein Forest – our Motto “You can’t see the Forest for the Tree’s”. Part of that was because there was nothing but forest between us but the phrase "you can't see the Forest for the Tree's" has stuck with me all my life)   

Years may go and friends may wonder, still within our hearts will be, the memories of you and me that will grow fonder… (of note our school song is set to the music of the German National Anthem - "Das Deutschlandlied"). 

Our yearbook for our senior year said “experience difference”

Our class t-shirt’s said “Class of 86 – We are out of hand” – derived from how much trouble we got into our Junior year and walking out of a pep rally.

I was not a stand out in high school.  Or maybe I was but didn’t know it. 

I went to the 10^th reunion.  The days before email and social media.  All the reunion stuff was done initially by mail and then we could email in our responses.  I had 4 kids by then.  So many people were starting careers; just getting married; just having babies.

I was not able to go to the 25^th.  It was between my ex-husbands 25^th college and sending kids to school and bringing them home – if I remember right we scheduled it in May. 

So fast forward 30^th college reunion…

WOW.  That is my word for it.  How many of us are just having kids; how many are still married; how many went to war – literally and figuratively; how many suffered divorce and moved on; how many have just…

I went into the weekend excited and left fulfilled.  How is that?  A few people said they were not coming because they knew everyone from social media – but really?  Social media is only what we share and not the age and time we come from. Social Media, in my opinion - for our Generation, allows us to let others see what we want them to see.  We still come from a "keep it in the house" generation, we overshare but not like generations younger than us.  

What did I see?  I saw how people I had an opinion of at 16 was different at 48.  I saw people who have struggle and were still there smiling and gave me hope.  I see the social media but it does not define our generation – we still thrive on seeing and talking and touching each other. I saw FRIENDS, past and new.  

I had way too much to drink at the reunion and if anyone has judged they have not said…why because our generation recognizes that we are the in-betweens…Gen X is just that- the stuck in between nowhere…we felt that way in High School and some of us do today and those who do not are helping those of us who do. 

I reconnected and have experienced LIFE with people who I thought I hated or hated me in High School – how is that? 

Class of 1986 – what is most important is CLASS…we may have been many things, but each of us has CLASS…then and now.   So…years may come and go; friendships may wonder; we may have had a class song that is set to the German National Anthem; we may not have been on-time for anything; and we were out of hand…and to this day…I am proud to be a graduate of the CLASS of 1986 FLYING GOLDEN EAGLES.   All of us…450 to 465 (because the numbers differ) – I raise my glass, thank you for the good times, the bad, the old memories and more importantly the NEW.  

Had a meeting over the phone with a "divorce coach".  I liked her a lot.  Not sure if this will work but I'm up for anything.

I am still processing the reunion and what I want to do and say about it...so stay tuned....

I am done apologizing for anything...

My Story is in Chapter 3 or maybe 4

It has taken me awhile to realize this.  "My Story isn't over yet ; "  After events of my life and especially the last two years, I was convinced it was.  The fact is my story is in Chapter 3 or maybe 4.  

I have not been blessed with Grace yet.  I'm working on that.  But bottom line, my story isn't over yet...

I have said it was a job and I did my job of raising my kids and being a wife - but it wasn't a job - in fact it was my joy; it was my life; it was happy more times than it was not.  It was work but it was not a job.  It wasn't somewhere that I planted only to collect something at the end...it was something I put my heart and soul into. I thought that my life was so tied to MRS and MOM but I've realized that I earned the title of MRS but was given the title of MOM and it has and does bring joy to my heart and soul.  

I felt when empty nest and divorce hit that - that end.  It ended me.  I tried many things to show the world it didn't but it did not make a difference on the inside.  Inside I felt broken, rejected, like I FAILED.  My ex said something to me last week that hit me hard for a few days and has taken awhile to sink in:  "the guilt overwhelmed a failed marriage".  That isn't all of what he wrote (I am still trying to figure that out) but a year later, I'm wondering what is a "failed marriage".  Did we fail because we couldn't; because we didn't; because the marriage ended?  Unfortunately, I'm having a hard time associating FAILED to anything the last 25 years.  I had a good to fair marriage; I had five wonderful children - bright, smart, respectful, productive citizens in this world who managed to fill me with joy that overwhelms any times I was upset with them; I had friends (have); I created life; I created and maintained a home.  I LOVED.  None of it was perfect but it was not FAILURE.  

I'm still a long way behind my ex in figuring things out and being comfortable right now.   I'm still mad some times.  I'm still sad sometimes.  But all those emotions I am working on putting into their appropriate file and I'm dropping the filter in my brain so the words that come out of my mouth or fingers are well thought out and if they are on a whim it is a result of ME being ME and not out of hate or bitterness.  

I did not FAIL.  I am not a FAILURE.  I had the wonderful experience of 25 years and five kids - the good, bad and ugly.  FAILURE is only important if you let it be.  Websters defines failure as "an omission of occurrence or performance, specifically a failing to perform a duty or expected action; the lack of success; a falling short."  Despite everything in my life, I challenge someone to point out how I fit that definition.  The only failure is to stop performing the duty or expected action...people use the word FAILURE to often and in a context that equates with success...but it is not what the word means, it is not a feeling any of us should have.  If I get up tomorrow, I have already succeeded.  

So while I may lack Grace right now; while my crazy may be showing still - I am a success...I am succeeding and I will continue to do so and no one can tell me any differently.  My fight, my life, my successes and to say I failed is an insult to at least 5 joys of my life!