It is becoming increasingly difficult for me to write. Write anywhere - in my journal, my blog, facebook, emails. I have to wonder how dissecting my life and day helps because I seem to be able to only do it negatively. I can't focus on my share of the last 28 years or the positives. Something that in my daily life and with my words I am actively trying to do. I know what I need to change. I know what I need to do and wonder if actively doing that is more productive? I have created so much negativity in my life that I'm tired. I know what went wrong. Do I really need to know the how? The why? There were some really good things that came out of the last 28 years so do I really need to look backwards at everything?
There are many hurts out there on all sides. I feel like I should move ahead rather than returning to the well to try and pick up drops of water out of a 28 year bucket. I need to learn to write with more positivity; to see the good that happened; to learn to intellectually (not just emotionally) accept the past and embrace the future. Just as the worst I have done, said, thought and believed does not make up ME it does not make up my life. I have had and still have GOOD and I choose to live that.
My favorite lines in this song:
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
by Brandi Carlile
I have loved. I have been loved. I still have love to give. I have been broken. I have broke. I am not the worthless I have felt. I am not the hate I have felt and projected. I WILL NOT STAY THE BROKEN GIRL. I am laying all my shattered pieces down. I am accepting my part in life and letting the stars shine through my eyes.
sometimes the reason I write, it to put things down and not carry them anymore. I don't need to put down the good stuff
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