Blessed but still Broken or bruised or...

I know that I am very blessed and in many ways.  I know that my life has not been and is not as hard as some I know and many whom I do not.  I also know that I am broken and some days I am worthless.  These are valid feelings and can't be measured against anyone else.  What may seem like your worst day I may handle with ease and vice versa.

I am still finding my baseline and how to handle things when I get triggered.  I am proud that I am doing it with only cigarettes and caffeine.  However, it will make life for those around me and who love and care hard.  If it is hard for you to watch just think how hard it is for me to handle the water that pulls me under.  My ex-husband aptly put it when he said "I don't know which "you" I am going to get on any given day".  At first that hurt, today it is just reality.  

Yesterday, multiple things happened that proved too much for me to handle and handle alone, even though I wasn't alone, I was physically here alone and felt like floating back into the ocean and had to fight it with every fiber of my being.  

Today, I had one thing that happened and handled it easily and without any thought.  This is MY LIFE.  I can only try on a day to day basis.  I can only not give up.

This is what I am trying to work on. 

Life has dealt me cards that I didn't ask for, want or need.  Life has dealt me who I am today.  Life has given me everyone in my life, for better or worse.  

I can't say and won't say "I'm sorry" anymore.  I have to let this out because I held it in for many years and probably did more damage.  I am broken, that is not a pity party or whatever you want to label it because it is easier, it is the truth.  I am trying to re-build all the pieces and maintain some dignity while doing it.  I pray for Grace through the process but that hasn't come yet.  

I read an article today from a Buddhist monk who said let it go, don't try and contain and control it.  It is only when I realize that I can't contain and control it that I will let go of IT containing and controlling me. 

I have an awful lot of WONDERFUL people in my life.  I lean on that daily.  I am greatful and thankful for it, but I do not need to be fixed.  I do not need to stop.  I do not need to be medicated.  I NEED to know the wonderful people are there; I need to learn my triggers and how to effectively deal with them; I need to re-build into who I was meant to be and not the broken person I was born as; I need to not contain and control this and take one day at a time and one broken moment at a time.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6gHwHIHPs3U&list=PLTXQB8znEi3XquqbhuJoW-txTnqSbhHUC&index=16