Storms of Life

For at least the last seven years, I have been on one form of medication or another.  Hydrocodone, prednisone, methatrexate, sinus sprays, sinus medications (over the counter and prescription), at least five different antidepressants, a mood stabilizer, an anti-psychotic, an anti-anxiety medication, hormonal drugs, high blood pressure medication, insomnia medications, and vitamins of all sorts.  From July of 2014 until recently there were times I was on all of those at the same time.  We should, for intellectual honesty, also mention the "self medicating" I have done.

I can honestly say that for the first time in seven years, the only "drug" I am on is an Over 40 Women's Multi-Vitamin and today is my 11 day celebration.

I have been diagnosed with so many things but in the last 3 years, a major depressive episode resulting in a Bi-Polar II diagnosis.  I had a major depressive episode - was diagnosed and then drugged up.  I am not blaming anyone.  The professionals I saw did what they knew and thought was right.  I have been diagnosed by non-professionals with Border Line Personality Disorder and other "ugly" sounding things as well.

I honestly do not know if I have a mental disorder, am pissed off or just spent so much time wrapped up in being perfect and proving myself and then on so many medications that it all looked like something that it wasn't or isn't.

Did you know that the side effects of prednisone can mimic so many mental disorders? Then add in other drugs and the "cocktail" can become something it isn't.

The point of my "detox" is not to do anything other than determine a baseline.  For the first time in my life I really only have me to worry about.  Not that I don't worry about everyone else in my life, but my obligations are limited right now to me.  I have to figure out what is going on and why and I can't do that if I am forever on some "mood altering" drug.  Medications are good and necessary but a life altering event or events can mask what is really wrong and the wrong combination of medications can mask it even further (and we will leave talking about the realtional side effects of all that for another post).

So the journey down the path to finding out my life, past and present, has been started.  I'm fully detoxed from all the drugs/prescriptions and will put one foot in front of the other to find out who I am with a clear head.  If, in that process it is determined I need a medication I won't resist, it just has to be the right one and for the right diagnosis.

I have been labeled since conception.  This time if I get a label it will be because I pulled up my boot straps and figured it out instead of using everyone and everything as a crutch.