For the last two years, specifically, I have wanted to die. I won't do that - because it is the most selfish thing that can happen in life. I am however going to retreat and withdraw. I have nothing anyone wants or needs. I will just exist.
I hereby revoke every estate document except my DNR and all promises I have made to anyone.
I am not worthy and have not been since the day I was conceived. My sole purpose in life was to give birth to 5 kids who have grown up wonderfully despite me.
I cannot love nor be loved.
I am not deserving of life and have not been since the date of conception.
My life is not productive but that of a broken, unlovable, liar, cheat, thief, unlikable, attention seeking and all around horrible person. These are not the ramblings of a "crazy" mind but those of one thinking clearly and having examined my part in everyone's life.
I do not blame those in my life but myself because I was given so many opportunities to change all that karma had to throw at me. I squandered that and ruined the lives of all.
I will not be missed because I am not worthy. I will not be missed because I was never wanted - just tolerated. I will not be missed because...life does not miss people who are as broken as me and who seek not love but attention; who seek attention and not peace; who were never wanted and needed but just broken. I did not ask for this it was the life I was born into. I tried - maybe not as hard as I could or should have - but I tried to break the cycle of destruction and ended up only making it worse and being alone.
It would seem I did what I needed to and what God wanted - I carried and helped raise 5 wonderful, beautiful, successful kids. Now the world needs to take care of them because I didn't, couldn't and should have.
Help yourself to my belongings - they are worth nothing. Help yourselves to my memories because they are all I have and those memories include everyone who tried so hard to be there for me despite everything. As the World Turns...I will exist...I will...realize that I am nothing and everyone around me has had enough - including me.
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