I'd like to say I am done but I am just starting....

I am done not fully being myself.

I have realized that I am the only self I can be. 

I am done questioning my motives, intentions and seeking answers to questions I already know the answer too.  

I am done with striving, forcing, pushing through and staying on the hardest path.  

I am done with distractions and denials.  My character is worth more.  

I am done trying to please everyone, it will never happen.  

I am done questioning myself.  

I am done battling myself. 

I am done apologizing.  I am who I am.  I did not make me this way but accept it.  My light shines even if it is in my own eyes.  

I am done with remorse and should haves and ought to's.  I did my job, I did my duty, I did my love and I did it well.  

I am done trying to know all the answers except as they pertain to me.  

I am done with trying to be understood - no one has walked my life.  

I am done beating myself up..try to make me do that again...I FUCKING DARE YOU.  

I married young.  I had a career young.  I was great at both.  I was a good wife.  I am a good person. I may have issues, I have history that has caused some issues but I AM ME. I AM ME.  I strive, I am worthy....

30th High School Reunion - Go Golden Eagles

Klein Forest Flying Eagles…

At the time (1982 to 1986) there were two Klein HS’s – Klein and Klein Forest – our Motto “You can’t see the Forest for the Tree’s”. Part of that was because there was nothing but forest between us but the phrase "you can't see the Forest for the Tree's" has stuck with me all my life)   

Years may go and friends may wonder, still within our hearts will be, the memories of you and me that will grow fonder… (of note our school song is set to the music of the German National Anthem - "Das Deutschlandlied"). 

Our yearbook for our senior year said “experience difference”

Our class t-shirt’s said “Class of 86 – We are out of hand” – derived from how much trouble we got into our Junior year and walking out of a pep rally.

I was not a stand out in high school.  Or maybe I was but didn’t know it. 

I went to the 10^th reunion.  The days before email and social media.  All the reunion stuff was done initially by mail and then we could email in our responses.  I had 4 kids by then.  So many people were starting careers; just getting married; just having babies.

I was not able to go to the 25^th.  It was between my ex-husbands 25^th college and sending kids to school and bringing them home – if I remember right we scheduled it in May. 

So fast forward 30^th college reunion…

WOW.  That is my word for it.  How many of us are just having kids; how many are still married; how many went to war – literally and figuratively; how many suffered divorce and moved on; how many have just…

I went into the weekend excited and left fulfilled.  How is that?  A few people said they were not coming because they knew everyone from social media – but really?  Social media is only what we share and not the age and time we come from. Social Media, in my opinion - for our Generation, allows us to let others see what we want them to see.  We still come from a "keep it in the house" generation, we overshare but not like generations younger than us.  

What did I see?  I saw how people I had an opinion of at 16 was different at 48.  I saw people who have struggle and were still there smiling and gave me hope.  I see the social media but it does not define our generation – we still thrive on seeing and talking and touching each other. I saw FRIENDS, past and new.  

I had way too much to drink at the reunion and if anyone has judged they have not said…why because our generation recognizes that we are the in-betweens…Gen X is just that- the stuck in between nowhere…we felt that way in High School and some of us do today and those who do not are helping those of us who do. 

I reconnected and have experienced LIFE with people who I thought I hated or hated me in High School – how is that? 

Class of 1986 – what is most important is CLASS…we may have been many things, but each of us has CLASS…then and now.   So…years may come and go; friendships may wonder; we may have had a class song that is set to the German National Anthem; we may not have been on-time for anything; and we were out of hand…and to this day…I am proud to be a graduate of the CLASS of 1986 FLYING GOLDEN EAGLES.   All of us…450 to 465 (because the numbers differ) – I raise my glass, thank you for the good times, the bad, the old memories and more importantly the NEW.  

Had a meeting over the phone with a "divorce coach".  I liked her a lot.  Not sure if this will work but I'm up for anything.

I am still processing the reunion and what I want to do and say about it...so stay tuned....

I am done apologizing for anything...

My Story is in Chapter 3 or maybe 4

It has taken me awhile to realize this.  "My Story isn't over yet ; "  After events of my life and especially the last two years, I was convinced it was.  The fact is my story is in Chapter 3 or maybe 4.  

I have not been blessed with Grace yet.  I'm working on that.  But bottom line, my story isn't over yet...

I have said it was a job and I did my job of raising my kids and being a wife - but it wasn't a job - in fact it was my joy; it was my life; it was happy more times than it was not.  It was work but it was not a job.  It wasn't somewhere that I planted only to collect something at the end...it was something I put my heart and soul into. I thought that my life was so tied to MRS and MOM but I've realized that I earned the title of MRS but was given the title of MOM and it has and does bring joy to my heart and soul.  

I felt when empty nest and divorce hit that - that end.  It ended me.  I tried many things to show the world it didn't but it did not make a difference on the inside.  Inside I felt broken, rejected, like I FAILED.  My ex said something to me last week that hit me hard for a few days and has taken awhile to sink in:  "the guilt overwhelmed a failed marriage".  That isn't all of what he wrote (I am still trying to figure that out) but a year later, I'm wondering what is a "failed marriage".  Did we fail because we couldn't; because we didn't; because the marriage ended?  Unfortunately, I'm having a hard time associating FAILED to anything the last 25 years.  I had a good to fair marriage; I had five wonderful children - bright, smart, respectful, productive citizens in this world who managed to fill me with joy that overwhelms any times I was upset with them; I had friends (have); I created life; I created and maintained a home.  I LOVED.  None of it was perfect but it was not FAILURE.  

I'm still a long way behind my ex in figuring things out and being comfortable right now.   I'm still mad some times.  I'm still sad sometimes.  But all those emotions I am working on putting into their appropriate file and I'm dropping the filter in my brain so the words that come out of my mouth or fingers are well thought out and if they are on a whim it is a result of ME being ME and not out of hate or bitterness.  

I did not FAIL.  I am not a FAILURE.  I had the wonderful experience of 25 years and five kids - the good, bad and ugly.  FAILURE is only important if you let it be.  Websters defines failure as "an omission of occurrence or performance, specifically a failing to perform a duty or expected action; the lack of success; a falling short."  Despite everything in my life, I challenge someone to point out how I fit that definition.  The only failure is to stop performing the duty or expected action...people use the word FAILURE to often and in a context that equates with success...but it is not what the word means, it is not a feeling any of us should have.  If I get up tomorrow, I have already succeeded.  

So while I may lack Grace right now; while my crazy may be showing still - I am a success...I am succeeding and I will continue to do so and no one can tell me any differently.  My fight, my life, my successes and to say I failed is an insult to at least 5 joys of my life!  

So today is my 48th birthday.  No big celebration.  Ladies at the office took me to a great long lunch.  Tons of birthday wishes on Facebook and from my kids - pre-birthday dinner with my boys last night.

Last year I was all alone, coffee with a friend in the morning and all day pretty down.  Even an argument.

Two years ok, I was just plain nuts and an argument ensued so...

Does the theme ring clear?

Most of my birthdays the last 27 years have been at sporting events or a kids function, take out or I cooked.
Prior to that I only know of 2 birthday parties I had - maybe there were more but nothing to memorialize it.

So I put every bit of effort into celebrating other peoples birthdays.  Mainly because it was what I wanted.

Not every birthday was bad but so few were memorable and that is on me not on anyone else.

This year - even sitting here eating left overs after a full day at work - my day was memorable.  Mostly because I am here.  I am alert.  I am thinking ahead and not beating myself up for not remembering more of the last 48 years but promising myself to remember from today forward with clarity!

Tee Hee - ok I will admit I loved seeing all my FB birthday wishes ;)

I realized this morning that my birthday is GREAT...but those of my five kids are even GREATER and could not have happened without me...so I am BLESSED!  In 48 years I was born, I survived a divorce of 2 people; transition to a new home; a step-mother; death of my Dad; graduating high school; finding out I had a bio dad and siblings; moving cities, getting married, having 5 kids, getting divorced, 1 for sure nervous break down and a 2nd that came pretty darn close; 5 wonder kids - did I mention that?  moving cities, new job...and realizing I am ME AND I AM WORTH SOMETHING - I AM WORTH MORE!  I deserve...I earned and I'm blessed!!!!!!  I am actually loving this birthday!

Seduction of self-rejection...

rejection

is my friend

and he's always

by my side

he doesn't leave

even when you ask him to

because that's how stuck he is 

to you

Author Unknown

For many years, I've thought on this topic...the who, what, where, when, why and how of rejection and/or abandonment by people who are supposed to love you unconditionally, by people who claim to love you, by friends, by people you don't even know.  

I didn't ask to be born.  I was not born out of love.  I was not wanted.  After it was too late to get rid of me, even in a time when it was illegal, a man came into my mothers life and accepted me and loved me and his family did to.  I don't know if he ever loved my mother, I think he did - but I think she was like me and felt rejected and abandoned and unwanted.  He found someone else and they did love each other and he still loved me.  She did not.  I don't know what she felt.  I felt like she tolerated me at best and pretended at worst.  I had no control over my emotional and psychological development.  Those were the the formative years.  Life laid that out for me at the hands of others.  I was the result of many failed things.  I felt it but didn't know it.  As I got older, I saw it and knew it but couldn't make it better.  

In the tween to teen years, especially after He died, I just needed someone to need me; to love me; to make me feel safe.  I sought that out and held on with dear life.  I want...no needed someone to see ME to show me that I was not nothing.  Providing shelter and food is not enough, there was no feeding of the heart, the soul, the emotional well being.  I sought that out at every turn.  No one told me that in doing that it would just cross boundaries and push people away.  Those who stayed seemed and appeared to do so out of obligation, laziness, of a sense of trying to fix something that was already broken.  

No, I am not bashing...I'm not down...I'm not doing anything but putting words to emotions that I have felt for so long.  How many times can you be rejected in a year? in a life?  Is there a set number? If there is, what is it?  Oh you can read all the articles, inspirational quotes, meme's and participate in talk therapy all you want but when rejection or pull back happens, the emotions over-flood of just how you are you and who you were raised, instead of the person you want to be.  

“I am crying over the loss of something I never had. How ridiculous. Mourning something that never was – my dashed hopes, dashed dreams, and my soured expectations.” 

― E.L. James

The part of that quote that sticks out for me is "soured expectations".  I set the expectations high because I crave them, need them, and to sound really bitchy - feel like I deserve them.  

The next part of the quote which enabled me to write this is "I'm crying over the loss of something I never had.".  I never had (except with my own children) being wanted, acceptance for me - faults and all; love that was from the heart - with a great majority of the people in my life it was out of obligation.  I have cried over the loss of something I never had.  I've given, I've accepted, wanted, desired, loved, loved unconditionally, helped, created good, fixed problems, been available and many other things but what I do has no bearing or impact on how others do or give to me.  

Henri J.M. Nouwen sums it up for me today:  

“Over the years, I have come to realize that the greatest trap in our life is not success, popularity, or power, but self-rejection. Success, popularity, and power can indeed present a great temptation, but their seductive quality often comes from the way they are part of the much larger temptation to self-rejection. When we have come to believe in the voices that call us worthless and unlovable, then success, popularity, and power are easily perceived as attractive solutions. The real trap, however, is self-rejection. As soon as someone accuses me or criticizes me, as soon as I am rejected, left alone, or abandoned, I find myself thinking, "Well, that proves once again that I am a nobody." ... [My dark side says,] I am no good... I deserve to be pushed aside, forgotten, rejected, and abandoned. Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the "Beloved." Being the Beloved constitutes the core truth of our existence.” 

Success, popularity, power, love, acceptance, want, desire are all great temptations and I have let them become seductive in my life and then drowning when they fail.  I've learned self-rejection from my life and at a time when I could control it, it wasn't a formative issue anymore, so I resorted to that little girl.  

I AM BELOVED, by at least five people I know, and maybe more.  I am accepted by at least 2 people and I don't need the seductive quality to need more.  I am wanted by at least as many people who don't want me.  

I am accepted by me...I AM.  I AM.  I AM.  I AM ME - faults, warts, personality traits, baggage and all.  MY HEART IS BIG.  MY HEART IS LOVING.  MY HEART IS ACCEPTING and I am WORTHY of anyone.  I AM HERE and I AM.  

when you live the rejection

the drab is turned inside out

exposed and at the bottom

no way out aside from up

UP!!! That is where I am going...no one can reject me but ME!  

Changing Direction...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xo1VInw-SKc

My fight song...

I signed up for divorce life coaching; I signed up for yoga, I am taking back my life.  I may backslide but for now...it is about ME.

"This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me"

Progress?

So the other night I had a dream that shook me.

My ex and then my step mother (who raised me but has cut me out of her life) were acting like a couple. We were all at a party and I was ignored and even talked about. Then they were talking about a party and I asked if I could go and she said "no...your not on our friend list". So I went to leave and asked to talk to her outside and then asked my ex to join us a few minutes later...I waited outside for an hour and then left. It is funny because there were scenes where my kids were there - and all of us were the age we are today. So 2 days later, my ex shows up with my deceased grandmother saying lets talk and I slammed the door in his face. Then I woke up. There were emotions and surroundings in the dream that are hard to explain but it was really weird...

After a few days of thinking on this, I wonder if I am making progress realizing that the past is the past. In my dream, I slammed the door on people who I asked for help, love, support, and anything else.  Does that mean I have accepted that it is not there and I have to move forward or is it a dream of what I want, miss, feel etc.  

Today I FEEL like I am closing the door on people who can not accept me for ME, that can not live up to their obligations and vows and promises despite my faults....

So I can't decide if I am going backwards or forwards...I'm back in my hometown after 27 years and then this weekend I went to Lake Charles for the first time in 11 years.  Last time I was there was when my Mom passed away.

I had a blast.  My younger sister asked me to come and so I did.  I got there and it was just great.  I went to my Mom's grave - little pissed (someone changed her grave marker so I will be making a call about that Tuesday).  We meet up with my Dad and his long time partner Ms. Pat and went to a McNeese football game then came home and had breakfast for dinner...wonder how my sister knew that was my favorite...and we stayed up and talked and then slept in this morning.  The little dog spent his entire time trying to get me to like him.  My nieces were great and I wish I lived closer so I could steal them away and give their Mom a break.  She works way to hard for them...I look at her and see how I was and to just fills my heart.

So my youngest niece is trying to teach me to take Selfie's...she has declared me hopeless.  Evidence:

So then we did a group selfie - still hopeless and worse Lil' Sis says not to tag her because it is a bad picture - uh did she see how bad I looked?

Then I got to see my dad and Ms. Pat.  That was nice...not long enough of a visit but that is ok.

The girls had plans today so I got on the road and thought stop at the casino - you know your limit.  All I can say about that stop was WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER.

So moving backwards or forwards?  Not sure but I'm trying to let loose and have some fun doing it!

Tomorrow...Kaitie and Paul for lunch or dinner...

One year ago today was my first day ALONE.  All my kids were gone as well as my husband.  I thought I could not survive, live, breathe.  One year later I realize I did all of that.  Not much grace while doing it but the list of things I've done and gone through is long.  I'm still a very big work in progress but spend most days remembering that I am good enough, strong enough and smart enough.  I have said those words for a year but now I am believing them.

This post is not another "oh how horrible..." but it is a thank you...

Thank you to my female friends who sat and listened, without judgment, who showed up to help me move; who took me for coffee; who liked my posts; who gave me great advice and who exhibited patience.  I'd love to name you all but you know who you are.

Thank you to my male friends.  Those who told me "you got me in the divorce"; those who said this will be hell but I will only tolerate listening to it for a little while; those who said "what a prick you deserve better" - because that is what men say even if they like the ex; to those men who let me cry and said no you are not fat, stupid, and many other things; and mostly to those men who tolerated crying break downs - and are still around for me.

Thank you to my kids.  I wish I could list all the things I put them through; all the times I lost it in the last year or hell the last 24; the kids who are my heart and soul.  The kids who I unintentionally put through harsh times but did so because I didn't know how to handle my life...a life that had been filled with Mrs. and Mom, by choice.  Thank you to the kids who took a break from ME and still do but come back; to the kids who know who Mega Mom is.

Thank you to 3 special people, Monica M, Brian M and John S. - all who helped me through the darkest night of my life - in everything I have ever gone through I have never wanted to end my life.  I believe and believed it was the most selfish thing but mental illness takes over sometimes and these 3 people made sure I didn't give in or up.

Lastly, thank you to my ex-husband.  While I don't understand, get it, am conflicted - what the divorce did was allow me to go crazy and then find myself.  Prove to me and not anyone else that I am WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR and that is ok.  Thank you for loving me for just a little while; thank you for giving me 5 beautiful, wonderful, special kids.  Thank you for letting me go - some days I still am very mad at you about the whole thing but I've moved from bitter and hate to just being mad.  Thank you for trying to take my crazy moments and knowing that our purpose together had ended.

Thank you to the higher power who has looked over me and made sure that while I have struggled I have not failed and I have not given up and I know that there is so much more to come.  I've not parked my ass on the bench...I don't know if I will be a pioneer for the future but I will be a pioneer for the next chapter in my life which will contain much less bitterness.

I DID IT...I thought a year ago I was going to die - literally and figuratively - today I am proof that nothing is impossible.