Progress?

So the other night I had a dream that shook me.

My ex and then my step mother (who raised me but has cut me out of her life) were acting like a couple. We were all at a party and I was ignored and even talked about. Then they were talking about a party and I asked if I could go and she said "no...your not on our friend list". So I went to leave and asked to talk to her outside and then asked my ex to join us a few minutes later...I waited outside for an hour and then left. It is funny because there were scenes where my kids were there - and all of us were the age we are today. So 2 days later, my ex shows up with my deceased grandmother saying lets talk and I slammed the door in his face. Then I woke up. There were emotions and surroundings in the dream that are hard to explain but it was really weird...

After a few days of thinking on this, I wonder if I am making progress realizing that the past is the past. In my dream, I slammed the door on people who I asked for help, love, support, and anything else.  Does that mean I have accepted that it is not there and I have to move forward or is it a dream of what I want, miss, feel etc.  

Today I FEEL like I am closing the door on people who can not accept me for ME, that can not live up to their obligations and vows and promises despite my faults....

So I can't decide if I am going backwards or forwards...I'm back in my hometown after 27 years and then this weekend I went to Lake Charles for the first time in 11 years.  Last time I was there was when my Mom passed away.

I had a blast.  My younger sister asked me to come and so I did.  I got there and it was just great.  I went to my Mom's grave - little pissed (someone changed her grave marker so I will be making a call about that Tuesday).  We meet up with my Dad and his long time partner Ms. Pat and went to a McNeese football game then came home and had breakfast for dinner...wonder how my sister knew that was my favorite...and we stayed up and talked and then slept in this morning.  The little dog spent his entire time trying to get me to like him.  My nieces were great and I wish I lived closer so I could steal them away and give their Mom a break.  She works way to hard for them...I look at her and see how I was and to just fills my heart.

So my youngest niece is trying to teach me to take Selfie's...she has declared me hopeless.  Evidence:

So then we did a group selfie - still hopeless and worse Lil' Sis says not to tag her because it is a bad picture - uh did she see how bad I looked?

Then I got to see my dad and Ms. Pat.  That was nice...not long enough of a visit but that is ok.

The girls had plans today so I got on the road and thought stop at the casino - you know your limit.  All I can say about that stop was WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER.

So moving backwards or forwards?  Not sure but I'm trying to let loose and have some fun doing it!

Tomorrow...Kaitie and Paul for lunch or dinner...

One year ago today was my first day ALONE.  All my kids were gone as well as my husband.  I thought I could not survive, live, breathe.  One year later I realize I did all of that.  Not much grace while doing it but the list of things I've done and gone through is long.  I'm still a very big work in progress but spend most days remembering that I am good enough, strong enough and smart enough.  I have said those words for a year but now I am believing them.

This post is not another "oh how horrible..." but it is a thank you...

Thank you to my female friends who sat and listened, without judgment, who showed up to help me move; who took me for coffee; who liked my posts; who gave me great advice and who exhibited patience.  I'd love to name you all but you know who you are.

Thank you to my male friends.  Those who told me "you got me in the divorce"; those who said this will be hell but I will only tolerate listening to it for a little while; those who said "what a prick you deserve better" - because that is what men say even if they like the ex; to those men who let me cry and said no you are not fat, stupid, and many other things; and mostly to those men who tolerated crying break downs - and are still around for me.

Thank you to my kids.  I wish I could list all the things I put them through; all the times I lost it in the last year or hell the last 24; the kids who are my heart and soul.  The kids who I unintentionally put through harsh times but did so because I didn't know how to handle my life...a life that had been filled with Mrs. and Mom, by choice.  Thank you to the kids who took a break from ME and still do but come back; to the kids who know who Mega Mom is.

Thank you to 3 special people, Monica M, Brian M and John S. - all who helped me through the darkest night of my life - in everything I have ever gone through I have never wanted to end my life.  I believe and believed it was the most selfish thing but mental illness takes over sometimes and these 3 people made sure I didn't give in or up.

Lastly, thank you to my ex-husband.  While I don't understand, get it, am conflicted - what the divorce did was allow me to go crazy and then find myself.  Prove to me and not anyone else that I am WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR and that is ok.  Thank you for loving me for just a little while; thank you for giving me 5 beautiful, wonderful, special kids.  Thank you for letting me go - some days I still am very mad at you about the whole thing but I've moved from bitter and hate to just being mad.  Thank you for trying to take my crazy moments and knowing that our purpose together had ended.

Thank you to the higher power who has looked over me and made sure that while I have struggled I have not failed and I have not given up and I know that there is so much more to come.  I've not parked my ass on the bench...I don't know if I will be a pioneer for the future but I will be a pioneer for the next chapter in my life which will contain much less bitterness.

I DID IT...I thought a year ago I was going to die - literally and figuratively - today I am proof that nothing is impossible.

I have not written in a little while because I'm on the edge of surviving.  I have a pretty good support system; a great therapist and family support and a new job that challenges me everyday with a boss I love working with.

I have not written in awhile because how many times can you complain about the same things over and over.  To people not in the same position its hard to understand.

I have kids trying to find their way - they want me out of their business but call when there is an issue or they need help.  I am the bad guy and then MegaMom from day to day.  I am me but I am mom and ex-Mrs. day to day.

I go to work and I'm Pam.  I have had challenges and still do.  I am the oldest in the office.  I have a bit more experience than others but am fighting being over bearing "hear me roar".  My immediate boss seems happy, we are caught up - even ahead - we seem to be in sync and we have set our boundaries and she is letting more go since she knows she can trust it will get done.

Why do I still feel so inferior?  Why?  I read these articles and they all make it seem so easy - relax; love yourself; let go; on and on and on and on.  But real life doesn't work that way.  I'm not that guy sitting on the roof asking God where he was when he sent 3 different types of help but I am the person who is swimming to FIX everything now.  You know most divorces take a year or more - mine was filed by my ex on June 29th; he moved out on August 21st; the divorce was final November 13th.  I couldn't hang on..yet I still am - I fall back into this pattern...I fall back into talking to him the same way I did for 27 years....bad and good.  3 to 5 hours of therapy a week does not get rid of that.  The best article I read was that I cycled through the stages of grief thinking they ended there rather than accepting they evolved and changed and may come back.  I laughed at every article that said that you need 1 year for every 5 years of marriage.  Where was the article that said 25 years and 5 kids later here is what you need to do?  There are none.  Why has my ex moved on - accepting he had more planning time than I did?  Why does all of this not hurt him as much as it does me?  More importantly - why the hell do I care?  Why does it reduce me to tears and inferiority?

I read an article today that said in a long term marriage, that with divorce and the cycles of grief you had to recognize that you were losing:

"Your partner in building memories and dreams of growing old together Your ally in facing money woes, illness, and even school conferences Your companion to parties, weddings, family celebrations, and IRS audits Your confederate in lovingly outwitting your children Your helpmate who knew just how to unclog the sink, negotiate a car deal, or remember birthdays Your roommate in creating a family home Your forgiving audience to your feeble jokes Your date for Saturday night Your bed mate Your friend. And as you are losing this person, you are also losing: Consistent contact with your children Valued rituals, Inside jokes, The chance to share family memories, Your spouse‟s family and friends, Most of your financial security, Friendships of people who related with you as a couple, Predictability in much of your life, Your sense of personal competence, Maybe even faith that you will love and be loved."

When you file for divorce they should give you this hand out - "oh you have been married for 10, 15, 20, 25 etc..." here you go this is what you may lose.  And they certainly should give it to you when you are served with divorce papers.

"Although the five stages of grieving are necessary for healing, they are not always so clear cut and concise. Most divorcing persons move through the stages more than once (and not necessarily in precisely the same order), sometimes experiencing more than one at the same time. However, you can be comforted by knowing the stages and by your ability to recognize what you‟re feeling and when. You should be heartened to know that with pain comes healing." IF you are impatient like me - moving through this process is just hard - damn hard.

"What we grieve for is not the loss of a grand vision, but rather the loss of common things, events, and gestures. Ordinariness is the most precious thing we struggle for. --Irena Kelpfisz"

Life gets better day by day and actually moment by moment.  Set backs happen.  Some days you curse out the world and others those you love.  But until you have walked one minute in my shoes....

Me and Mental Illness...I am not ashamed, just terrified

I have written about this before, but in 2014 I was diagnosed with bi-polar II disorder.  I said "ok".  I took the medications and spent a year being over medicated; then got some control over that - went to therapy twice a week (yes people in my life will doubt that but I have the bills, they don't know because they didn't ask), I started exercising; I got a job; I started getting out; met new friends; I started having drinks - something I hadn't done in 25 years; I went out with friends; I lost weight and took trips.  I had Bi Polar kicked in the ass.  Most of my therapy was centered on how I got there, not on the diagnosis and what to do and how to handle it.

It just seemed like everything I did was still wrong.  Someone's feelings were hurt; someone was mad at me; someone shut me out; this was hardest of all because I had always been the person who everyone came to, who fixed issues, now I felt like I was begging for one minute of time.  I still had bi-polar kicked in the ass.  I repeated phrases over and over; I breathed; I exercised; I kept a routine; went to therapy.  Bi-Polar was like a fungal infection and it was gone.

At the end of May 2016 I made a major life decision and uprooted my whole life.  All anyone kept telling me was "this will be good, you can start again!"  I went from a Job interview on 5/24 to accepting a job; signing a contract on my house; garage sale; packing; finding a place to live; moving, unpacking and starting a new job from 5/24 to 6/1.  That is 7 days - a week.  Still seemed pretty normal for me.

The job was horrible.  More on that later (some of it written earlier).  I was alone; isolated; did not know anyone; kept getting lost; left work everyday feeling like a failure and wondering WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO.  Every day something went wrong - dropped a glass; cat vomited on the new couch; forgot to tighten the lid on the water dispenser; fell and busted 3 teeth, every day....every day...  and for most of it I had no one to vent to and those I could get on the phone really were tired of it (apparently my pity party had been going on for awhile and I didn't realize it - most thought this move would kick my ass into feeling better).  I don't blame, it is what it is.  My ex-husband said all he knew was that every night was "un-happy hour", even when I hadn't had anything to drink.  All I could see were things in a bubble.  I was being ripped off on my pay and not being paid on time so I had not found a new therapist but this was just an adjustment phase so I didn't really need it yet.  Get a HOLD on your/my life and then start...start everything new because "you have always hated change and this is a lot of change".

Fast forward to July 23rd.  It should have been a great day - I found a job at a place I really like (and I did my research this time); I got to see my oldest son.  But when I texted or called my other kids there was no response; or they were busy; or their phone was charging/dead; or they had plans or they just didn't respond.  I had sent care packages to each of them and no response there either.  My good day went down hill.  (I am not blaming them - I wouldn't have wanted to talk to me either - again it is just a stated fact)  I cried for 9 hours straight.  I had a late night chat with a friend from high school who convinced me that I didn't want to commit suicide; that the thoughts were there but he was sure I wouldn't act on them; that he was there no matter what - no judgment; no shame; just an ear and shoulder and advice when he could.

I cried myself to sleep and then slept for 16 hours.  When I woke up, I looked at myself in the mirror (and I don't usually do that - I usually take my glasses off when I am in front of the mirror).  I got in my car and drove right down the street to the hospital.  That look in the mirror...the texts I had sent...the conversation I had scared the shit out of me.  An MRI later; blood tests later; and a talk with the psychiatrist I was told that in no uncertain terms had I NOT kicked Bi Polar in the ass.  That it was like diabetes - I either controlled it or it ate me alive.  I was allowed to go home with a schedule - which included daily visits to my new psychologist for 2 hours a day every day for a week and then twice a week after that.  I was deemed - "not suicidal".  I guess that is a good thing.

So Bi-Polar II - I have probably had it all my life but lived in a hypo-manic stage with minor dips to depression.  (Anyone remember nights of 2 a.m. emails and then starting again at 6 a.m. or lists of the 100 things I had done in a day; or working 18 hours and sleeping 2 and not eating)?  Yeah all those things are hypo-manic stages.  I was great; invincible; got things done; reckless; great ideas; irritable and aggressive....all signs and symptoms.  Then a crash would come, usually started with daily migraines and an inability to process; to think; to move.  This was the 2nd time I have had this diagnosis.  What is it about having to label someone?  I was just me....or so I thought.  To be honest, I don't know a time when I was me or who me is...all I can figure out today is that I have two modes "all" or "nothing".

So I kicked nothing in the ass but me.  My family and friends do not know about this disease anymore than I do.  Many people do not - so that statement is not blame but a fact.  Most therapist focus on how do you feel what is your day or week been like, what can we do to change that.  However, Bi-Polar is not like that. A proper diagnosis is first; education for yourself and those around you is next; a therapist who deals with Bi-Polar is imperative.  My questions start out as "since our last visit and why?"  They work towards educating me to looking or recognizing the signs something is "off".  They conclude with a list of chores:  Eat; exercise; take my meds; set a schedule; go out - even if it is for a drive; buy nothing; cook; read; reach out to a friend and discuss something other than ME; oh and STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP.  That is the hardest one.  The list gets added to - slowly I am told but enough that I can handle it.  I'm told I need to move more slow; that others judgments about me are their judgments and not necessarily a reflection of the true me and for "God sake quit worrying about who you are, you are you!".

A starting point today was reading an article about how friends and family can help...this on the heals of a long text conversation yesterday.  I thought great an article for everyone, where is my article?  But I re-read the article and it was for me.  I know its only been 2 visits but this therapist is well...in my head.  I was reluctant to choose a male therapist again - last one wasn't in my head except in a negative way (oh and we used him for marriage counseling and he took things I said in private session and repeated them in couples - he told me it was best for me - and I believed him).  So this therapist says my sessions are about my disease and me.  He is in my head because he stops the BS I want to focus on and makes me focus on what the immediate real issue is.  I don't have to get well; I am not going to get better; I won't kick anything in the ass except myself - Bi-Polar is a disease that you manage; you learn about it; you learn to manage it; you work on the symptoms; you find your peace and recognize that flare ups will happen.

So, that accounts for the last 4 days....where I go from here?  I guess it is up to me.  The mask is off; the soul is bared open; the work is ahead...and this place here will be filled with fun facts about Pam while she works this process.

I am NOT ashamed of my mental illness...I am terrified of it...but I am not ashamed and I will no longer apologize for it.  It is not something I did; it isn't something I choose and I am certain it is not who I am.

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/bipolar-disorder/helping-a-loved-one-with-bipolar-disorder.htm

July 26, 2016

It has been two months and two days since I decided to pick up my life, move, take a job in another city.  Looking back it was probably all in an attempt to run away at best and impulsive at least.  I had only been job searching in Corpus for two months and I had a job offer on the table.  The job was not in the area of law I wanted but the salary was good.  However, on the 24th a quick job offer came along followed by a phone call from the real estate agent I had an offer on my house (since gone); It was all immediately what I wanted.  I called it a fresh start.  In reality I think it was a run away... I could start over, I would be safe from prying eyes; I could focus on me.

I went into the job really excited.  My first day should have been a hint.  I was not introduced to anyone; the boss was not there and no one talked to me.  I came home deflated.  For the first week all I heard was "your name is not on the door", "Kim does not like that", "we don't do that".  Then the bullying started.  Items moved on my desk; files moved or gone off my desk; one lawyer who was really ugly to me; a boss who told me that she didn't have time for questions or who would ask every time she passed by "do you not have enough work to do?" (I had 50 files in which no work had been done and the clients had paid and signed up in April - I had plenty of Frigging work but since she didn't take notes I spent a great deal of time figuring out what the clients had even hired us for); oh yeah did I mention the bully lawyer who called me stupid?  Or parked her car so close to mine I couldn't get in my door and climbed in through the hatchback?; Every day got worse and worse.

Personally, three failed contracts on the house - what is it about selling below market value AS IS that people do not get?; a break out of fleas; kids who wouldn't respond to me; then a fall that broke three of my teeth.  Then I up and quit my job after the other lawyer yelled at me again...and was back to a job search; 700.00 in dental bills; and alone.

I keep trying to stay out of my own way but seem to be my own brick wall...or I believed that.

Part II is harder to write and will follow - this is just the start or restart.

Howdy everyone...

Well a great deal has happened since my last post.  I expanded my job search and put the house on the market.  I got a job on May 24rd in Clear Lake....packed up my house, had a garage sale and moved in 9 days.  I am relocated back to my hometown - sort of.

I have now been here 31 days.  I am all unpacked except 2 boxes of fabric; I am finally sleeping through the night; I have stopped getting lost and I am getting out more.

Work is great and a nightmare at the same time.

I miss my kids but some of them are upset with me and so I hurt there.  I miss Corpus - it was my home for 27 years - but I'm not freaked out about leaving anymore.  I really miss my friends.

So life takes another turn... to be honest too much in a years time but probably necessary.

I will try staying on top of my blog now that I am settled.