Thanksgiving

So this was my second Thanksgiving single and wading through the life of as a Mom to five kids who had traditions which had to change midstream and making it so it was as comfortable for the kids and myself as could be.

Turned out to be a great week.  My boss let us go early from work Tuesday.  We had Wednesday off.  Thursday, unexpectedly Kaitie (because of flight issues) came for dinner.  The boys were here and Paul's girlfriend was too.  We had a full on dinner without corn - because I forgot the corn.  Patrick did the dishes, Kaitie and Paul put the food up...we divided who took home what and had a great few hours.  My kids are adults - I cannot decide if that makes me what to smile or cry.

I am very lucky and despite other blog posts and feelings I have at any given hour, I know I am lucky - even if my situation went bad - not many people get the chance to have what I have had in life.

So I am THANKFUL.

Blog post #1 - emotional for me

Over the course of my 48 years I have been called many things, to my face and behind my back.  In the last 30 months those names upped the ante.

Crazy

Irrational

Thief

Emotional Terrorist

Abusive

Alcoholic

Over emotional

Paranoid

Illogical

A bad wife

A bad parent

Shrewd

A Shrew

Unworthy

An emotional Drain

A physiological drain

Unstable

Mean

Hateful

A know-it-all

Fat

Ugly

Damaged

Boring

Stupid

Idiot

Liar

Disrespectful

Clingy

Destroyer of self-esteem

Over Bearing

Destroyer of all that is good
Toxic

These are the words that come off the top of my head.  My Life Coach had me do an exercise where people had to say two positive things about me.  I got a lot of positive responses.  Enough that made my head swell.  Made my ego swell and I tackled the session, the night and some good time to evaluate myself as these people saw me. 

Unfortunately, what do you do with those who have said the list above about you? When those are people who are supposed to love you and you are supposed to love unconditionally?

How do you turn those phrases, that people whom you love and respect or respected, have said them about you?  How do you see the good in yourself? 

I have seen myself as firm, strong, willful, dominant, demanding but would lay my life on the line for anyone.  How did what I have done for 28 years turn into me being the bad guy with so many labels.  How do you gain those labels when you are 3? 5? 10? 15? 18? 

How many times do I have to say “no this is what happened” before I lose my mind before life becomes such that I believe all or part of the list above?  I’ve spent 2 years living it for sure and still to this day hear those comments.  I keep trying to say look at me…I’m functioning…I’m working…I’m productive…I AM ME.  But it is never enough?  Why? 

I don’t have an answer to that.  I’ve never thought of myself as most of the things on that first list but it has been said and implied so much that I am caught between adamantly disavowing it to just ignoring it and saying that if the relationship is so unhealthy those words can be used that time needs to pass.

I just don’t know what to do with the emotions now. 

I want to truly believe that I am:

A great Mom

I was a good wife

I am worthy

I am loving

I am good

I am smart

I am good at my job

I am a good person

I am beautiful inside and out

I AM ME – I am who God made me and he doesn’t make mistakes.

So why can’t I believe that?  Why does the voice in my head go back to the first list.  No matter how many times, I try and make it right; no matter what I say or do in some people’s eyes I am everything on the first list and nothing more. 

Today, I don’t know who to believe.  I don’t know what words to believe and I most certainly am having a hard time trusting the emotions. 

I’m so drained from defending myself; proving myself; saying sorry; being hurt.  I want to be…I want to……………………………………..

Hanging in and hanging on....

I had these great elaborate plans to post after the reunion and then some health issues came up.

I had these great elaborate plans to post how I am working hard to untangle the "knot" of 28 years and instead I picked up the phone and talked, cried, scream, yelled, cussed, talked and...well....

I had these great elaborate plans to do so much but then this weekend it hit me:

Many of my facebook posts over the years have talked about how much I did in a day and asked what productivity was.

Well, I was productive alright - I got it all done and more - I put many of people to shame with my lists.  But what I didn't do was slow down; rest; listen; talk; LISTEN; and just be.  I'm not talking about the all new rage of mindfulness - I mean just be...like accepting it is ok to sit and watch Netflix all day long.  Or to take a 2 hour walk; or read a book until 3 a.m. knowing you still had to get up the next day.  To spend 2 hours having coffee or talking to your kid no matter how old they are.  To call a friend up and have an actual conversation.  I was productive in all the right ways but the wrong ways too.

So productive - FUCK YEAH I have been productive over the years - but here is the kicker...the next 30 plus years will be about being productive for me; productive in a way that suits my tastes; productive in a way defined by me and not the world around me or the responsibilities - real or imagined.  Productive in a way that helps me grow, love, learn and be there - in the here and now - for people.

So here is to realizing how much potential I have even if the most productive thing I do in a day is clean out the cat box and hit "yes" on the Netflix message of "are you sure you want to continue watching".  

***no dig on my own five kids; all the other kids I carted around for years and had flying marshmallow camp outs with - it is just my time, I was there for your time!

I am worthy! ;

Even though I knew there were major things wrong, my marriage felt healthy compared to the life I grew up with and the life my ex-husband grew up with.  I couldn’t and still have a hard time not seeing that I was a failure at marriage rather than my marriage failed. 

Somehow, soon after I said I do, I lost myself and my sense of self.  Oh it was still there when it had to be but when it came to me and my ex-husband or me and my marriage it was gone.  I felt crazy, all the time.  “I said I was getting ready to leave work, not I was leaving work” and so dinner was late or burned or dryed out; “I told you…”; “I did this because you did that”.  “I’m too tired to talk about this”; “I don’t get what you are so upset over”.  The list goes on and on. 

If I was sick, I was over reacting; if I was feeling lonely I was attention seeking; if I just went on a tear I was crazy and my ex would shut down because he said it reminded him of growing up.  I don’t know how many times he said or made me think I was the stressor in the marriage.  I put on the smile; brave front; did not complain to my friends; isolated myself so I wouldn’t have anyone to gripe to because his status was more important.  I read that statement and think how did I do that.  I can’t blame him – I let myself believe I was not important. 

I am NOT CRAZY – not in this situational setting.  It is funny, I finally had a major depressive episode in 2014 over something I did and part of my brain said “you can do this, you can let go, have this episode; be crazy – you have a loving partner who will be there.”  Instead it was the ending.  Then I spent an entire year during the up and down of secrets; lies; moving in and out again thinking I was crazy and at this point, I think I was and I know I was driving my kids and everyone around me crazy but every rejection by a person I had ever had in my life piled on my head; in my head and in my heart.  How is the person that I loved; that I spent 27 years with, how was he not strong enough to help me when I fell apart?  I took the blame for this for about the last 25 months.  No longer.  I was strong when I was required to be; when I needed to be; when I had to be and the minute I broke – I was not good enough…that is not my failure.

So the picture above does not accurately reflect the post but it is there to remind me that one day I will thank "him" and others for my journey. 

My Story  Is Not Over ; 

I am not a failure

I read an article that said “A marriage exists between two people. A marriage is a connection between two people. It is not either of them; it’s outside. When a marriage ends in divorce, it’s the relationship between the couple that’s a failure not either of the spouses.”

This kind of smacked me in the face.  My young boss and I had a conversation the other day about Mrs. vs. Ms.  She is married and I kept typing Mrs.  She wasn’t mad but said Mrs. just made her feel old.  I was baffled but then I thought how much stock I put into MRS.  I’m proud of MRS.  I was MRS for almost 25 years.  I (why is there no way to make I stand out?)…I did not fail at being MRS.  The relationship failed.  Now there are many reasons a relationship fails.  I have a journal that is up to 107 reasons why (and I just started it last week).  My goal is not to make the failure mine but attributed the failures to the relationship between the couple.  It is a hard exercise.  Some days it feels futile, others it helps me make it through.  

The rest of the article had some good points: (quoting)

1.   You have always been more than a spouse. Your role as a spouse was just a small part of who you are as a person. As a person you have all kinds of roles you fill every day already that you can choose at any moment to define your identity: father, mother, daughter, son, employee, manager, volunteer, driver, etc. You can also choose a new identity for yourself now that you’re no longer a spouse especially if you remember that “you are powerful beyond measure” and you’re so much greater than a failure.
 

2.   There are no grades for how you live your life. You’ve always done your best with the resources, ability and understanding you’ve had each and every moment of your life. There’s no way you or anyone else can change the fact that as a human you’re predetermined to do your best. That doesn’t mean that as you learn and experience more that you would have done things differently if you were to face the same situations today. It just means that you’re being perfectly you all the time. And there’s no way that you can be a failure.
 

3.   You become what you think about. You can absolutely make sure you’re miserable by focusing on how miserable you are or should be. You can absolutely make sure that you become a failure if all you focus on is feeling like a failure.

End quote. 

Unfortunately, that is not how my mind was set when I was a kid or when I got married.  My identity has always been tied to what I did.  If I allowed it to be tied to who am I then I felt like I would wither away.  Last week I challenged my FB friends to describe me in two words and aside from a couple that mentioned mom in a positive way; none mentioned wife, quilter, soccer, etc.  My mind’s eye has only seen me one way. 

This article sets up #2 with how we are conditioned to use grades to make measurements.  It is funny how when I do something less than perfect or close to perfect at work, I start apologizing.  I have been lead to believe that my life had to be on an A to F scale and for awhile I’ve hovered around D’s and F’s.  Why is that?  I can name so many good things.  No. 2 and 3 go together.  Someone asked me the point of a life coach now but this is why.  I’ve let some part of me control that my actions, deeds, who I thought I should be, what I failed at control whether I was a failure or not.  I’ve qualified statements before; well that qualification is because I know I’m not a failure.  My divorce does not make me a failure.  Some of my actions contributed to a failed marriage…that is so different.

Start again, at the beginning of this post, those five pictures are PROOF I did not fail; I am not a failure...

Keep reading – my story is not over ;

***Credit to Author Karen Finn for the excellent points***

I'd like to say I am done but I am just starting....

I am done not fully being myself.

I have realized that I am the only self I can be. 

I am done questioning my motives, intentions and seeking answers to questions I already know the answer too.  

I am done with striving, forcing, pushing through and staying on the hardest path.  

I am done with distractions and denials.  My character is worth more.  

I am done trying to please everyone, it will never happen.  

I am done questioning myself.  

I am done battling myself. 

I am done apologizing.  I am who I am.  I did not make me this way but accept it.  My light shines even if it is in my own eyes.  

I am done with remorse and should haves and ought to's.  I did my job, I did my duty, I did my love and I did it well.  

I am done trying to know all the answers except as they pertain to me.  

I am done with trying to be understood - no one has walked my life.  

I am done beating myself up..try to make me do that again...I FUCKING DARE YOU.  

I married young.  I had a career young.  I was great at both.  I was a good wife.  I am a good person. I may have issues, I have history that has caused some issues but I AM ME. I AM ME.  I strive, I am worthy....

30th High School Reunion - Go Golden Eagles

Klein Forest Flying Eagles…

At the time (1982 to 1986) there were two Klein HS’s – Klein and Klein Forest – our Motto “You can’t see the Forest for the Tree’s”. Part of that was because there was nothing but forest between us but the phrase "you can't see the Forest for the Tree's" has stuck with me all my life)   

Years may go and friends may wonder, still within our hearts will be, the memories of you and me that will grow fonder… (of note our school song is set to the music of the German National Anthem - "Das Deutschlandlied"). 

Our yearbook for our senior year said “experience difference”

Our class t-shirt’s said “Class of 86 – We are out of hand” – derived from how much trouble we got into our Junior year and walking out of a pep rally.

I was not a stand out in high school.  Or maybe I was but didn’t know it. 

I went to the 10^th reunion.  The days before email and social media.  All the reunion stuff was done initially by mail and then we could email in our responses.  I had 4 kids by then.  So many people were starting careers; just getting married; just having babies.

I was not able to go to the 25^th.  It was between my ex-husbands 25^th college and sending kids to school and bringing them home – if I remember right we scheduled it in May. 

So fast forward 30^th college reunion…

WOW.  That is my word for it.  How many of us are just having kids; how many are still married; how many went to war – literally and figuratively; how many suffered divorce and moved on; how many have just…

I went into the weekend excited and left fulfilled.  How is that?  A few people said they were not coming because they knew everyone from social media – but really?  Social media is only what we share and not the age and time we come from. Social Media, in my opinion - for our Generation, allows us to let others see what we want them to see.  We still come from a "keep it in the house" generation, we overshare but not like generations younger than us.  

What did I see?  I saw how people I had an opinion of at 16 was different at 48.  I saw people who have struggle and were still there smiling and gave me hope.  I see the social media but it does not define our generation – we still thrive on seeing and talking and touching each other. I saw FRIENDS, past and new.  

I had way too much to drink at the reunion and if anyone has judged they have not said…why because our generation recognizes that we are the in-betweens…Gen X is just that- the stuck in between nowhere…we felt that way in High School and some of us do today and those who do not are helping those of us who do. 

I reconnected and have experienced LIFE with people who I thought I hated or hated me in High School – how is that? 

Class of 1986 – what is most important is CLASS…we may have been many things, but each of us has CLASS…then and now.   So…years may come and go; friendships may wonder; we may have had a class song that is set to the German National Anthem; we may not have been on-time for anything; and we were out of hand…and to this day…I am proud to be a graduate of the CLASS of 1986 FLYING GOLDEN EAGLES.   All of us…450 to 465 (because the numbers differ) – I raise my glass, thank you for the good times, the bad, the old memories and more importantly the NEW.