I have not written in a little while because I'm on the edge of surviving.  I have a pretty good support system; a great therapist and family support and a new job that challenges me everyday with a boss I love working with.

I have not written in awhile because how many times can you complain about the same things over and over.  To people not in the same position its hard to understand.

I have kids trying to find their way - they want me out of their business but call when there is an issue or they need help.  I am the bad guy and then MegaMom from day to day.  I am me but I am mom and ex-Mrs. day to day.

I go to work and I'm Pam.  I have had challenges and still do.  I am the oldest in the office.  I have a bit more experience than others but am fighting being over bearing "hear me roar".  My immediate boss seems happy, we are caught up - even ahead - we seem to be in sync and we have set our boundaries and she is letting more go since she knows she can trust it will get done.

Why do I still feel so inferior?  Why?  I read these articles and they all make it seem so easy - relax; love yourself; let go; on and on and on and on.  But real life doesn't work that way.  I'm not that guy sitting on the roof asking God where he was when he sent 3 different types of help but I am the person who is swimming to FIX everything now.  You know most divorces take a year or more - mine was filed by my ex on June 29th; he moved out on August 21st; the divorce was final November 13th.  I couldn't hang on..yet I still am - I fall back into this pattern...I fall back into talking to him the same way I did for 27 years....bad and good.  3 to 5 hours of therapy a week does not get rid of that.  The best article I read was that I cycled through the stages of grief thinking they ended there rather than accepting they evolved and changed and may come back.  I laughed at every article that said that you need 1 year for every 5 years of marriage.  Where was the article that said 25 years and 5 kids later here is what you need to do?  There are none.  Why has my ex moved on - accepting he had more planning time than I did?  Why does all of this not hurt him as much as it does me?  More importantly - why the hell do I care?  Why does it reduce me to tears and inferiority?

I read an article today that said in a long term marriage, that with divorce and the cycles of grief you had to recognize that you were losing:

"Your partner in building memories and dreams of growing old together Your ally in facing money woes, illness, and even school conferences Your companion to parties, weddings, family celebrations, and IRS audits Your confederate in lovingly outwitting your children Your helpmate who knew just how to unclog the sink, negotiate a car deal, or remember birthdays Your roommate in creating a family home Your forgiving audience to your feeble jokes Your date for Saturday night Your bed mate Your friend. And as you are losing this person, you are also losing: Consistent contact with your children Valued rituals, Inside jokes, The chance to share family memories, Your spouse‟s family and friends, Most of your financial security, Friendships of people who related with you as a couple, Predictability in much of your life, Your sense of personal competence, Maybe even faith that you will love and be loved."

When you file for divorce they should give you this hand out - "oh you have been married for 10, 15, 20, 25 etc..." here you go this is what you may lose.  And they certainly should give it to you when you are served with divorce papers.

"Although the five stages of grieving are necessary for healing, they are not always so clear cut and concise. Most divorcing persons move through the stages more than once (and not necessarily in precisely the same order), sometimes experiencing more than one at the same time. However, you can be comforted by knowing the stages and by your ability to recognize what you‟re feeling and when. You should be heartened to know that with pain comes healing." IF you are impatient like me - moving through this process is just hard - damn hard.

"What we grieve for is not the loss of a grand vision, but rather the loss of common things, events, and gestures. Ordinariness is the most precious thing we struggle for. --Irena Kelpfisz"

Life gets better day by day and actually moment by moment.  Set backs happen.  Some days you curse out the world and others those you love.  But until you have walked one minute in my shoes....

Me and Mental Illness...I am not ashamed, just terrified

I have written about this before, but in 2014 I was diagnosed with bi-polar II disorder.  I said "ok".  I took the medications and spent a year being over medicated; then got some control over that - went to therapy twice a week (yes people in my life will doubt that but I have the bills, they don't know because they didn't ask), I started exercising; I got a job; I started getting out; met new friends; I started having drinks - something I hadn't done in 25 years; I went out with friends; I lost weight and took trips.  I had Bi Polar kicked in the ass.  Most of my therapy was centered on how I got there, not on the diagnosis and what to do and how to handle it.

It just seemed like everything I did was still wrong.  Someone's feelings were hurt; someone was mad at me; someone shut me out; this was hardest of all because I had always been the person who everyone came to, who fixed issues, now I felt like I was begging for one minute of time.  I still had bi-polar kicked in the ass.  I repeated phrases over and over; I breathed; I exercised; I kept a routine; went to therapy.  Bi-Polar was like a fungal infection and it was gone.

At the end of May 2016 I made a major life decision and uprooted my whole life.  All anyone kept telling me was "this will be good, you can start again!"  I went from a Job interview on 5/24 to accepting a job; signing a contract on my house; garage sale; packing; finding a place to live; moving, unpacking and starting a new job from 5/24 to 6/1.  That is 7 days - a week.  Still seemed pretty normal for me.

The job was horrible.  More on that later (some of it written earlier).  I was alone; isolated; did not know anyone; kept getting lost; left work everyday feeling like a failure and wondering WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO.  Every day something went wrong - dropped a glass; cat vomited on the new couch; forgot to tighten the lid on the water dispenser; fell and busted 3 teeth, every day....every day...  and for most of it I had no one to vent to and those I could get on the phone really were tired of it (apparently my pity party had been going on for awhile and I didn't realize it - most thought this move would kick my ass into feeling better).  I don't blame, it is what it is.  My ex-husband said all he knew was that every night was "un-happy hour", even when I hadn't had anything to drink.  All I could see were things in a bubble.  I was being ripped off on my pay and not being paid on time so I had not found a new therapist but this was just an adjustment phase so I didn't really need it yet.  Get a HOLD on your/my life and then start...start everything new because "you have always hated change and this is a lot of change".

Fast forward to July 23rd.  It should have been a great day - I found a job at a place I really like (and I did my research this time); I got to see my oldest son.  But when I texted or called my other kids there was no response; or they were busy; or their phone was charging/dead; or they had plans or they just didn't respond.  I had sent care packages to each of them and no response there either.  My good day went down hill.  (I am not blaming them - I wouldn't have wanted to talk to me either - again it is just a stated fact)  I cried for 9 hours straight.  I had a late night chat with a friend from high school who convinced me that I didn't want to commit suicide; that the thoughts were there but he was sure I wouldn't act on them; that he was there no matter what - no judgment; no shame; just an ear and shoulder and advice when he could.

I cried myself to sleep and then slept for 16 hours.  When I woke up, I looked at myself in the mirror (and I don't usually do that - I usually take my glasses off when I am in front of the mirror).  I got in my car and drove right down the street to the hospital.  That look in the mirror...the texts I had sent...the conversation I had scared the shit out of me.  An MRI later; blood tests later; and a talk with the psychiatrist I was told that in no uncertain terms had I NOT kicked Bi Polar in the ass.  That it was like diabetes - I either controlled it or it ate me alive.  I was allowed to go home with a schedule - which included daily visits to my new psychologist for 2 hours a day every day for a week and then twice a week after that.  I was deemed - "not suicidal".  I guess that is a good thing.

So Bi-Polar II - I have probably had it all my life but lived in a hypo-manic stage with minor dips to depression.  (Anyone remember nights of 2 a.m. emails and then starting again at 6 a.m. or lists of the 100 things I had done in a day; or working 18 hours and sleeping 2 and not eating)?  Yeah all those things are hypo-manic stages.  I was great; invincible; got things done; reckless; great ideas; irritable and aggressive....all signs and symptoms.  Then a crash would come, usually started with daily migraines and an inability to process; to think; to move.  This was the 2nd time I have had this diagnosis.  What is it about having to label someone?  I was just me....or so I thought.  To be honest, I don't know a time when I was me or who me is...all I can figure out today is that I have two modes "all" or "nothing".

So I kicked nothing in the ass but me.  My family and friends do not know about this disease anymore than I do.  Many people do not - so that statement is not blame but a fact.  Most therapist focus on how do you feel what is your day or week been like, what can we do to change that.  However, Bi-Polar is not like that. A proper diagnosis is first; education for yourself and those around you is next; a therapist who deals with Bi-Polar is imperative.  My questions start out as "since our last visit and why?"  They work towards educating me to looking or recognizing the signs something is "off".  They conclude with a list of chores:  Eat; exercise; take my meds; set a schedule; go out - even if it is for a drive; buy nothing; cook; read; reach out to a friend and discuss something other than ME; oh and STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP.  That is the hardest one.  The list gets added to - slowly I am told but enough that I can handle it.  I'm told I need to move more slow; that others judgments about me are their judgments and not necessarily a reflection of the true me and for "God sake quit worrying about who you are, you are you!".

A starting point today was reading an article about how friends and family can help...this on the heals of a long text conversation yesterday.  I thought great an article for everyone, where is my article?  But I re-read the article and it was for me.  I know its only been 2 visits but this therapist is well...in my head.  I was reluctant to choose a male therapist again - last one wasn't in my head except in a negative way (oh and we used him for marriage counseling and he took things I said in private session and repeated them in couples - he told me it was best for me - and I believed him).  So this therapist says my sessions are about my disease and me.  He is in my head because he stops the BS I want to focus on and makes me focus on what the immediate real issue is.  I don't have to get well; I am not going to get better; I won't kick anything in the ass except myself - Bi-Polar is a disease that you manage; you learn about it; you learn to manage it; you work on the symptoms; you find your peace and recognize that flare ups will happen.

So, that accounts for the last 4 days....where I go from here?  I guess it is up to me.  The mask is off; the soul is bared open; the work is ahead...and this place here will be filled with fun facts about Pam while she works this process.

I am NOT ashamed of my mental illness...I am terrified of it...but I am not ashamed and I will no longer apologize for it.  It is not something I did; it isn't something I choose and I am certain it is not who I am.

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/bipolar-disorder/helping-a-loved-one-with-bipolar-disorder.htm

July 26, 2016

It has been two months and two days since I decided to pick up my life, move, take a job in another city.  Looking back it was probably all in an attempt to run away at best and impulsive at least.  I had only been job searching in Corpus for two months and I had a job offer on the table.  The job was not in the area of law I wanted but the salary was good.  However, on the 24th a quick job offer came along followed by a phone call from the real estate agent I had an offer on my house (since gone); It was all immediately what I wanted.  I called it a fresh start.  In reality I think it was a run away... I could start over, I would be safe from prying eyes; I could focus on me.

I went into the job really excited.  My first day should have been a hint.  I was not introduced to anyone; the boss was not there and no one talked to me.  I came home deflated.  For the first week all I heard was "your name is not on the door", "Kim does not like that", "we don't do that".  Then the bullying started.  Items moved on my desk; files moved or gone off my desk; one lawyer who was really ugly to me; a boss who told me that she didn't have time for questions or who would ask every time she passed by "do you not have enough work to do?" (I had 50 files in which no work had been done and the clients had paid and signed up in April - I had plenty of Frigging work but since she didn't take notes I spent a great deal of time figuring out what the clients had even hired us for); oh yeah did I mention the bully lawyer who called me stupid?  Or parked her car so close to mine I couldn't get in my door and climbed in through the hatchback?; Every day got worse and worse.

Personally, three failed contracts on the house - what is it about selling below market value AS IS that people do not get?; a break out of fleas; kids who wouldn't respond to me; then a fall that broke three of my teeth.  Then I up and quit my job after the other lawyer yelled at me again...and was back to a job search; 700.00 in dental bills; and alone.

I keep trying to stay out of my own way but seem to be my own brick wall...or I believed that.

Part II is harder to write and will follow - this is just the start or restart.

Howdy everyone...

Well a great deal has happened since my last post.  I expanded my job search and put the house on the market.  I got a job on May 24rd in Clear Lake....packed up my house, had a garage sale and moved in 9 days.  I am relocated back to my hometown - sort of.

I have now been here 31 days.  I am all unpacked except 2 boxes of fabric; I am finally sleeping through the night; I have stopped getting lost and I am getting out more.

Work is great and a nightmare at the same time.

I miss my kids but some of them are upset with me and so I hurt there.  I miss Corpus - it was my home for 27 years - but I'm not freaked out about leaving anymore.  I really miss my friends.

So life takes another turn... to be honest too much in a years time but probably necessary.

I will try staying on top of my blog now that I am settled.

Validating myself

On my facebook day page I have had several posts where I talked about not feeling productive and then I would list stuff. I've listed my daily activities like I wanted or needed validation that I wasn't just sitting at home worthless. I've come to realize that I needed that validation but not so much from those around me but from myself. What I think I wanted was someone to jump up and down and say - hey the floor is mopped or want me to cook you dinner? It took my oldest son driving from San Antonio to Corpus just to cook me dinner on Easter for me to realize that all of that is great but I had put my own worth so low that no matter what I was doing if someone didn't directly benefit from my actions, I was not productive and therefore just taking up space.

I have come to realize how much I have done in 27 years. How much I still do today. I am sitting here with a clean house; laundry almost done; finished a book and wrote for my blog and I feel good - I feel more than productive.

Why do we tie ourselves to the opinions or validation of others? I wish there was a real answer - like how you can explain how the sky is blue - but the truth is it happens and will keep happening unless you change. Well I seem to be all in and am doing some massive changes - so hang on to your hats :p)

Panic Attacks

I read an article today about how people who have panic attacks need to just learn how to relax.  I read the entire article but did not process much because of that one line.  Mental health issues are all around us.  We can debate that they are “in your head”; or caused by media, internet usage, lack of social experiences; that they are the Big Pharma response to a modern society.

I have experienced panic attacks for most of my life.  They were masked through yelling or even what we thought was asthma or low blood sugar.  I would ramble on but the fact is that since I was about 16, my heart would start pounding so hard I could feel and hear it.  The edges of everything went fuzzy.  My entire body would hurt.  Breathing became so hard that I would fight myself just to take a breath.  (you know what that means if you have ever had a full blown panic attack). 

About 20 months ago they became full blown and every day.  Have you ever watched a TV show or movie where they show someone in a store freaking out?  Here is what happens: 

• ·         All of a sudden your heart starts pounding and you can hear it and feel it.  However, someone who is with you, if you ask them, will tell you that it is not pounding very fast.  (My blood pressure has even stayed within normal ranges during an attack).
• ·         Everything around you is clear but the edges become fuzzy and then it starts to feel like you are being jostled around on Black Friday, yet no one is around you. 
• ·         Your breathing becomes difficult and the more you fight for air the hard it becomes to breath.  You and your body are working against you. 
• ·         You feel physical pain.  For me, my shoulder starts hurting and my legs cramp up.  But it is a deep pain. 

I have had people try many things during a panic attack.  The worst things:

• ·         Telling me to calm down;
• ·         Telling me to breathe through it;
• ·         Telling me “I’ll come back when you are more calm”;
• ·         Sitting across from me looking like I was a child having a temper tantrum;
• ·         Freaking out and raising their voice, getting in my personal space.  I actually had someone slap me one and say “snap out of it”. 

What is the right answer?  I don’t know, everyone has their own trigger or triggers and everyone has their own way of getting through it. 

Separating myself, water and believe it or not rocking help.  I’ve learned a great deal about what my triggers are and how to walk away but I still manage to have more attacks than I like.  I’ve gotten better about handling them as well.  Whether a person has attacks once in a while or frequently;  gauge your reaction, educate yourself on reputable websites and physicians, talk to the person when they are calm, see what helps them because everyone is different but for the Love of God, please do not tell someone to calm down or relax because they physically can’t.  

Every Day is a New Day

After Monday’s delve into my journals, I was a little paralyzed yesterday.  I woke up with my usual schedule: coffee, scan of facebook, scan of emails, check the bank account, go back to facebook because the coffee has set in and then tackle the emails with the intent on putting in more job applications.  I got to the emails and had 7 “thank you for your resume/application, but….” Emails.  All in a row, it almost looked like they were typed by the same person.  I ended up on the couch, watching Season 4 of West Wing.  Not good. 

I have the tendency lately to just let things fester and overwhelm me.  I think when all the kids were home it was easier to ignore and not do that.  I had to keep moving.  Even when I had a job I had to keep moving.  Now, don’t get me wrong there is a shit-ton that could be done in this house, but none of it is on my mental list to tackle and the movement isn’t progress but just movement. 

Today, I woke up and started my daily routine again.  This time though, I am not paralyzed.  So that is progress.  I had 3 more rejection emails.  So what!  I had no job matches on WorkinTexas.com.  So what! My bank account is grossly low.  So what!  The WHAT of the day is that I was paralyzed yesterday but not today.  I am getting better at this picking myself up (oh do not think I do it alone…there is a bigger than I realized support system that helps me).  What I have come to realize is that it is ok to have a day like that; it is when the day becomes days, weeks, and months. 

So today, I am grateful for my support system.  I am grateful for my life.  I am grateful for the challenges it presents because I am learning and it has slowed me down so I can see or at least be open to seeing.  Today I am grateful.