Validating myself

On my facebook day page I have had several posts where I talked about not feeling productive and then I would list stuff. I've listed my daily activities like I wanted or needed validation that I wasn't just sitting at home worthless. I've come to realize that I needed that validation but not so much from those around me but from myself. What I think I wanted was someone to jump up and down and say - hey the floor is mopped or want me to cook you dinner? It took my oldest son driving from San Antonio to Corpus just to cook me dinner on Easter for me to realize that all of that is great but I had put my own worth so low that no matter what I was doing if someone didn't directly benefit from my actions, I was not productive and therefore just taking up space.

I have come to realize how much I have done in 27 years. How much I still do today. I am sitting here with a clean house; laundry almost done; finished a book and wrote for my blog and I feel good - I feel more than productive.

Why do we tie ourselves to the opinions or validation of others? I wish there was a real answer - like how you can explain how the sky is blue - but the truth is it happens and will keep happening unless you change. Well I seem to be all in and am doing some massive changes - so hang on to your hats :p)

Panic Attacks

I read an article today about how people who have panic attacks need to just learn how to relax.  I read the entire article but did not process much because of that one line.  Mental health issues are all around us.  We can debate that they are “in your head”; or caused by media, internet usage, lack of social experiences; that they are the Big Pharma response to a modern society.

I have experienced panic attacks for most of my life.  They were masked through yelling or even what we thought was asthma or low blood sugar.  I would ramble on but the fact is that since I was about 16, my heart would start pounding so hard I could feel and hear it.  The edges of everything went fuzzy.  My entire body would hurt.  Breathing became so hard that I would fight myself just to take a breath.  (you know what that means if you have ever had a full blown panic attack). 

About 20 months ago they became full blown and every day.  Have you ever watched a TV show or movie where they show someone in a store freaking out?  Here is what happens: 

• ·         All of a sudden your heart starts pounding and you can hear it and feel it.  However, someone who is with you, if you ask them, will tell you that it is not pounding very fast.  (My blood pressure has even stayed within normal ranges during an attack).
• ·         Everything around you is clear but the edges become fuzzy and then it starts to feel like you are being jostled around on Black Friday, yet no one is around you. 
• ·         Your breathing becomes difficult and the more you fight for air the hard it becomes to breath.  You and your body are working against you. 
• ·         You feel physical pain.  For me, my shoulder starts hurting and my legs cramp up.  But it is a deep pain. 

I have had people try many things during a panic attack.  The worst things:

• ·         Telling me to calm down;
• ·         Telling me to breathe through it;
• ·         Telling me “I’ll come back when you are more calm”;
• ·         Sitting across from me looking like I was a child having a temper tantrum;
• ·         Freaking out and raising their voice, getting in my personal space.  I actually had someone slap me one and say “snap out of it”. 

What is the right answer?  I don’t know, everyone has their own trigger or triggers and everyone has their own way of getting through it. 

Separating myself, water and believe it or not rocking help.  I’ve learned a great deal about what my triggers are and how to walk away but I still manage to have more attacks than I like.  I’ve gotten better about handling them as well.  Whether a person has attacks once in a while or frequently;  gauge your reaction, educate yourself on reputable websites and physicians, talk to the person when they are calm, see what helps them because everyone is different but for the Love of God, please do not tell someone to calm down or relax because they physically can’t.  

Every Day is a New Day

After Monday’s delve into my journals, I was a little paralyzed yesterday.  I woke up with my usual schedule: coffee, scan of facebook, scan of emails, check the bank account, go back to facebook because the coffee has set in and then tackle the emails with the intent on putting in more job applications.  I got to the emails and had 7 “thank you for your resume/application, but….” Emails.  All in a row, it almost looked like they were typed by the same person.  I ended up on the couch, watching Season 4 of West Wing.  Not good. 

I have the tendency lately to just let things fester and overwhelm me.  I think when all the kids were home it was easier to ignore and not do that.  I had to keep moving.  Even when I had a job I had to keep moving.  Now, don’t get me wrong there is a shit-ton that could be done in this house, but none of it is on my mental list to tackle and the movement isn’t progress but just movement. 

Today, I woke up and started my daily routine again.  This time though, I am not paralyzed.  So that is progress.  I had 3 more rejection emails.  So what!  I had no job matches on WorkinTexas.com.  So what! My bank account is grossly low.  So what!  The WHAT of the day is that I was paralyzed yesterday but not today.  I am getting better at this picking myself up (oh do not think I do it alone…there is a bigger than I realized support system that helps me).  What I have come to realize is that it is ok to have a day like that; it is when the day becomes days, weeks, and months. 

So today, I am grateful for my support system.  I am grateful for my life.  I am grateful for the challenges it presents because I am learning and it has slowed me down so I can see or at least be open to seeing.  Today I am grateful.  

One who flew...

Today I actually sat down and spent about 3 hours reading my journals from July 2014 to August 2015.  All I can say is wow.  I don’t know how productive this exercise was because doing this almost paralyzed me.  My major depressive episode began after a pretty personal event, I may or may not get into that at some point in time (it is important but still too raw for too many people).  Reading the journal entries was almost like watching “One Who Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” and I was every character in the book, sometimes all in one day.   I know now that a great majority of it was the cocktail of medications I was taking but it is spooky.  What is worse is the things I wrote that came out during the divorce and I denied they happened.  I don’t remember more than 75% of what I wrote happening.  Or I remember it “happening” but I don’t remember the details – you know what was said, what the emotion was, what caused that day – all I have to remember it are these journal entries.  The entries fly all over the place; they are illegible (and I have pretty good handwriting); they have date errors (where I wrote August when it was October); they are scathing; they are well to any sane person, exactly what my ex-husband called it “horrifying”. 

I remember an incident where we were going to try marriage counseling and for some reason they wanted to see us separately first.  I went and the first thing the lady said to me was “I’m here to do a psychological assessment of fitness on you”.  I don’t just remember it, I wrote it down.  I freaked out.  I also freaked out on my ex-husband, I was certain I was there for evaluation for commitment proceedings.  Now, after reading my journal, if that is what was going through his head, or even the psychologist, I don’t necessarily blame them.  How did it get that bad?  How was I holding on by a fingernail?  I wanted to say, how did no one notice? - but they did and everyone seemed to be doing what they could but, well just but! 

I got off all the medications except the anti-depressant and kept the anxiety meds for as needed.  I pretty much did it cold turkey (not recommended unless you want sudden rapid weight loss and three to five days where you don’t leave the bathroom or have sweats and hand shaking).  Life, however, came into focus.  Then I started self-medicating with alcohol.  I didn’t do it to self-medicate at first.  At first it was self-liberation since I hadn’t drank much, if at all, in 23 years but it rapidly turned into self medicating. 

Today, and l mean literally today, I’m alcohol and med free (under doctors watch).  More has come into focus and I’m really not sure I like it.  I’m wondering if the haze and excuse(s) and little bit of numb may have been better!?!?  Today, I have to take inventory in my life, I’ve decided to start in 2014 and work my way forward then work back.  However, knowing me, I may skip all around depending on the topic or emotion.  What I do know today, as I write this, is that I literally lost my mind and holed up inside myself, I have no REAL memory of about 18 months of my life and I don’t know if I need or want it back – the written proof has scared the hell out of me.  I do know there were real people there for me but I’m not sure exactly who or what they did or how they fit into the puzzle.  How do you make amends for going mentally unstable?   How do you hold your head up?  I’m hoping my “Storm has Run out of Rain”, but I am not so certain it has.  Terror or something above scared but maybe below terror is the word for today.  Ironically, even this, my breathing is normal; my pulse is normal and my thoughts are clear. 

Today, for the first time in weeks, I actually did something productive.  I got up; got dressed and went and taught 3 to 8 year olds soccer.  I had some sort of purpose and a few hours of unconditional support and love.  A 3 year old generously gave me one of her Capri Sun’s because I forgot water and she asked for nothing in return.  Oh to see life through the eyes of kids this age.

So how has it changed my perspective today?  Well, I am still in “self-discovery of what the F went wrong in my life” but it dawned on me that I have to live in the moment, that I can look back; I can analyze; I can see with eyes open; I can learn but I can NOT fix the past or the people in it and I can NOT keep falling back to the pattern and excuses that have been the yard stick of my life.    

Oh now, wait…do not expect some Pollyanna, my life has changed, I’m wonderful overnight change.  I’m still going to work through the process MY way.  However, you can expect that today’s revelation has set my mind and more importantly, my soul, toward standing toe to toe with what has happened in my life, accepting what has happened in my life, admitting to myself and maybe others how it has affected me, and learning to define myself by my standards and happiness and not other people.  

Striving!

Last night a very good and long time friend told me, lovingly, “You have to finally find yourself. You are always trying too hard. You want to prove that it was not you. You want to prove you were a good mom. But we all know that.”  She is right in so many ways and wrong in so many ways.  Last night I told her I couldn’t deal with the discussion.  After a night of sleep, I’m ready to address it. 

Yes, I have to find myself.  I am trying.  I do not know who I am.  I spent 25 years as Mrs. Kasperitis and 24 years as Mom.  I am still Mom but the kids are grown and as one of my kids told me, I have to find a way to re-write my role.  I’m not longer Mrs.  I also have to find a way to re-write that role. 

I don’t want to prove that it was not me.  Sure it would be great for everyone in my world to say I was perfect and did nothing wrong and it was all him.  The truth of the matter is that my blog posts and writings are helping me define my role in the last 27 years.  If you actually read my posts you will find that I have some self-discovery in my posts. 

I do try too hard.  I wish I could stop that but I don’t know how.  That is part of my journey. 

I don’t need to prove I was a good mom.  I know damn good and well I was and am a good MOM.  I do want to do right by my kids, acknowledge when I have done wrong and also transition to my new role.  But hey, it is great to hear from everyone that I am a good mom so you can feel free to tell me that J

There will be topics I write about that are depressing; that may hurt or embarrass my kids; that tell too much; that are self-deprecating; that will be many things…but they are my stories that I need to get out, I need to tell to someone, even if it is just a nonsensical website that no one goes to; they are my stories that I need to write to wrap my head around, learn and grow. 

I am striving to find neutrality around the events of my life; this is a process and more importantly my process.  I love the feedback; opinions and comments – they help me process and give insight so whether I like them or not, keep them coming.  Hope you all stay with me on this journey – faith, grace, understanding and acceptance is a gift that I have yet to receive or allow.

Reality Check about higher education costs

I saw an article on the news today about a Massachusetts girl who took to pan-handling and setting up a GoFundMe account because she doesn’t have enough money to pay for college.  She stated that she applied and got into eight different schools; that with merit and financial aid she doesn’t have enough money to pay for them and that this was done not only to raise money but awareness about the staggering costs of higher education. 

At first I was quite pissed off at this article.  She stated that she didn’t want to go into debt and her parents can’t co-sign on loans.  Well wait…so her parents can go into debt?  Or at 18 did she just word it wrong because she has taken on a cause that she isn’t fully aware of. 

I’m still pissed but not as much as I was upon the first five readings and watching of her video.  She sites on her GoFundMe page that at 50,000.00 costs is too high based on the 11 to 18K she has received in merit scholarships and doesn’t cut it.  She states that everyone told her that she was doing everything right and not to worry she could go anywhere she wanted.  Then she states that they were wrong because of the financial part of it. 

Some facts before I rebut this amazingly talented child:

Massachusetts has 107 accredited colleges or universities.  Out of the 107, there are 27 Public colleges or universities.  Of which one is even in her home town and ranked 156 in the nation, as a top-tier school.  Also, of note, this school’s tuition, room, fees and meal plan comes to about $25,000.00 for in state students.  I looked at the admissions criteria and unless she tanked her ACT or SAT this school would want her.  I looked at about 5 other public schools and a few private schools in the state and found almost the same information. 

So now the information I have for the parents and/or college bound kid…

• ·    If you as the student work hard for four years you can probably get accepted into any college or university you want.  The dream is there.  Unfortunately, at a cost.  It is there, though. 
• ·     Before submitting your acceptance letters, look at the costs of the school.  Does it fit within your budget or your family’s budget?  If not, apply, you might be surprised at what kind of aid you can get BUT be realistic.  Seriously, if your parents have saved no money, do not have good credit and the maximum merit scholarship is $18,000.00 and the total tuition package is $50,000.00 then going to that school may not be an option.  Getting accepted is wonderful but again, reality has to set in. 
• ·         Reality, the costs of tuition and room and board and meals and books and…and…and… is high.  I have five kids, three in university right now, I have done the research on the costs and why they are where they are.  Should anyone have to go into debt to get a higher education, NO.  Do they, YES.  It is a reality and one that has to be prepared for by the student and the family.  She doesn’t cite her parent’s situation, financially, but if it is just that their credit is bad, there are options.  If they didn’t save, there are options.  She states she worked three jobs in High School but what did she do with that money knowing she was applying to colleges that cost 50K a year to attend? 

Ok, so this young lady, while blaming the system is trying to do something about it.  I give her tons of credit for it, but again the reality is that what she has raised is 1) enough to cover the difference for one year; 2) doesn’t take into account all the extra’s that come with going to college; and 3) raises awareness yes but not in a productive way.

College is expensive, even public and state schools.  Private schools more so.  However, (wait for it…here is another list), the DREAM is obtainable:

• ·         The school you really want to go to is way up there in costs.  Have you visited the school?  Are you sure you really want to go there?  Have you compared them to another institution?  If this is really where you want to go have you done the math on the “debt” you may have to take on to obtain the education?
• ·         What is the graduation rate?  What is the job placement rate?  A big named school does not mean that it is the best place for you. 
• ·         Four institutions (I had two kids go to the same school), at my request, sat down with me and my child and went over the costs and what could be done and what couldn’t be done.  We did the math for an entire stay at the institution. 
• ·         You have done the math, how bad do you want it and what are you and your family willing to do?  For our kids, we were willing to take on the student loans they had to take out.  We paid the interest every year to keep it to the principal amount and I pay on those loans that have come due.  They each got four years of “your debt is my debt” so you can go where you want. 
• ·         My kids applied for every scholarship and grant that was available.  $100 bucks is $100 bucks; it will buy that Math text book.  
• ·         Every high school has a counselor’s office and most of them have an area directed at those applying for college to help them navigate the process and they usually have a comprehensive list of every scholarship available.  If they don’t, then do what I did and Google it.  I found some great ones out there from one that was for a Catholic Girl going to a Catholic University to a Forestry scholarship where all you had to do was write an essay on the affects of forest fires. 

I truly hate these types of stories.  Not because the cost is not high; not because most people will go into some form of debt to attend a higher education institution but because I don’t feel like panhandling and GoFundMe accounts count as creative or doing all you can. 

I’m sorry but get a reality check…as much as we hate the costs, it is there and is not going to change.  (Interesting fact, have you ever looked at what it costs for an individual student to attend high school and did you realize that your tax dollars, based on your home value, help pay for that attendance?). 

So your kid picks an institution, they get accepted, they get offered scholarship money and sticker shock sets in.  The tears and begging starts.  The bargaining begins.  What now…

Ø  First, be realistic.  What are your finances?  Are you going to help your child or let them do it on their own?  No judgment, it is reality.  If you are going to help what can you afford in five years?  Can you add an additional $200.00 a month to your monthly bills?  Can both you and your child do it together?  College tuition isn’t about the first year it is about four years and how you handle the after effect. 

Ø  Reality Check…no institution offers a full ride and unless your parents saved all their lives; are rich; or you win the lottery, loans will be what helps you obtain the dream you set for yourself. 

Ø  Stafford Loans.  These are done in increments based on the year you are in school.  So if you are starting with enough credit to be a freshman but change to a sophomore in January, then you get more in January.  If you start as a sophomore because you go in with enough credit then you get the sophomore rate.  Yes, these are loans that have to be paid back.  But they are incremental, you take them if you need them and depending on your parent’s financial status they are either unsub or sub loans (interest vs. no interest).  Keep in mind, pay the interest at the end of the year if you get an unsub loan then when it comes due you are only paying principal back.  The interest is not that much at the end of each year.

Ø  Pell Grants.  Of course these are need based.

Ø  Parent Plus loan.  Ok, so your parent doesn’t have credit that can get this.  Some schools have a situation set up that if your parent applies and is denied, you receive an additional $4000.00 for the year.  Yes, again, it is a loan that has to be paid back. 

Ø  Work Study.  Oh yes college is fun but if you want to go and money is an issue, then work study should be in your future.  You can have it so you get paid a certain amount and the rest goes to the school or have the entire amount of your “paycheck” go to the school. 

Ø  Is the school’s financial aid department your best friend?  Private schools have access to every grant, fund, and money available to anyone.  Have you asked?  I always did and then when my kids started school they did too.  I found that if you (parent or student) write out your story and send it to the school that the financial aid officer may be able to find money in the grants fund to help.  Money that was allotted to a student who decided not to go or dropped out after one semester.  If you don’t ask, you won’t get and the worst that can happen is they say “Sorry, no”.  Also, this is something that has to be done each semester, not just one time. 

Ø  What is your field of study?  Call the department head, set up a meeting.  Are there any department scholarships?  Are there any jobs?  Do they have a lead on a MAP or paid internship?

Ø  Have you applied to every scholarship that is available?  I remember at my youngest daughter’s award ceremony seeing one girl who had some 27 scholarships they added up to about $40K.  She put in for everything she could. 

Ø  Have you bid the schools against each other?  Here is how this works, and keep in mind, not all schools will do this but some will, School A gives you X amount and you get X amount but you are still short.  School A says that is all they can do.  You call School B (and down the line) and say this is what School A offered, this is what I have and I need to talk to someone to see what we can do.  

Look, it isn’t easy.  School costs should not be so high -  but it is and that is a reality.  Too many people start planning their senior year in high school; these are discussions and plans that should be happening no later than freshman year of high school.  Kudos to this girl for getting creative.  Kudos to this girl for not wanting debt.  Shame on her parents and the school for not walking her gently through the realities of the world. 

Every one of my kids was or is able to go to the school they wanted but we took on the loan debt.  They worked hard, they did it right and I learned by trial and error but we made sure that if they could articulate why the school was where they wanted to go we did everything in our power to do it.  Debt for college is just a fact of life and how much of it you carry depends on how you accept the reality and upon how much work you actually do.  Standing on the street corner is not “everything you can do”.  That is the easy way out.  That is getting money you didn’t earn and it might help cover your books or meal plan or from my knowledge of institutions up north, one semester of health insurance, but does it make you feel worthy of the institution you are going to because you don’t want “debt”. 

Check the champagne taste on a beer budget if you’re not willing to work for it.