Storms of Life

For at least the last seven years, I have been on one form of medication or another.  Hydrocodone, prednisone, methatrexate, sinus sprays, sinus medications (over the counter and prescription), at least five different antidepressants, a mood stabilizer, an anti-psychotic, an anti-anxiety medication, hormonal drugs, high blood pressure medication, insomnia medications, and vitamins of all sorts.  From July of 2014 until recently there were times I was on all of those at the same time.  We should, for intellectual honesty, also mention the "self medicating" I have done.

I can honestly say that for the first time in seven years, the only "drug" I am on is an Over 40 Women's Multi-Vitamin and today is my 11 day celebration.

I have been diagnosed with so many things but in the last 3 years, a major depressive episode resulting in a Bi-Polar II diagnosis.  I had a major depressive episode - was diagnosed and then drugged up.  I am not blaming anyone.  The professionals I saw did what they knew and thought was right.  I have been diagnosed by non-professionals with Border Line Personality Disorder and other "ugly" sounding things as well.

I honestly do not know if I have a mental disorder, am pissed off or just spent so much time wrapped up in being perfect and proving myself and then on so many medications that it all looked like something that it wasn't or isn't.

Did you know that the side effects of prednisone can mimic so many mental disorders? Then add in other drugs and the "cocktail" can become something it isn't.

The point of my "detox" is not to do anything other than determine a baseline.  For the first time in my life I really only have me to worry about.  Not that I don't worry about everyone else in my life, but my obligations are limited right now to me.  I have to figure out what is going on and why and I can't do that if I am forever on some "mood altering" drug.  Medications are good and necessary but a life altering event or events can mask what is really wrong and the wrong combination of medications can mask it even further (and we will leave talking about the realtional side effects of all that for another post).

So the journey down the path to finding out my life, past and present, has been started.  I'm fully detoxed from all the drugs/prescriptions and will put one foot in front of the other to find out who I am with a clear head.  If, in that process it is determined I need a medication I won't resist, it just has to be the right one and for the right diagnosis.

I have been labeled since conception.  This time if I get a label it will be because I pulled up my boot straps and figured it out instead of using everyone and everything as a crutch.

Two years...or longer?

Today is two years since life was forever altered and almost three years since the downward spiral of my life and marriage.  I’m not sure how I feel about it as I sit here today.  I don’t know exactly how it changed me.  Do the good changes outweigh the bad changes?  What if anything did I learn from it and if I did learn something was it productive or destructive.  Maybe both.  I spent last night reading journals of my interpretation of what was happening in my life.  I can’t say I was an active participant.  I was alone, emotionally and physically.  I was scared.  I was drugged out.  I had binges of anger.  I had binges of paranoia.  I had to write things down to remember them and to this moment I do not know how much of what I wrote was accurate or what my damaged mind interpreted it too.  I have essentially spent the last three years in a downward spiral in which my family and friends could not be around me.  They could not accept me.  They tried so hard to love me but they couldn’t and I made it harder for them to do and be all those things I needed.  Those who could give, couldn’t give enough.  I had damaged my world and my loved ones in a way that damaged who I was and who everyone thought I was. 

Somedays I am very angry over the entire scene.  No one sought help for me.  Oh I was told “you need medication”; “you need therapy”; “you need to eat”; “you need to sleep” and so on and so on.  However, no one actually intervened.  At one point I lost 25 pounds in 4 weeks; had slept about 15 hours in that 4 weeks and was on 9 different medications, many of which were counter-indicated to each other.  I had not stopped crying, crying hysterically for any length of time.  No one in my life saw the destruction to me that was happening and did anything.  There was no intervention.  No push for help.  No picking me up off the floor and seeking a way to help me. 

I am also sad about this.  Was I not worth the help?  Did I damage everyone around me so badly that not one person could help me in a medical, psychological or loving way?  How did the damage I suffered throughout my life put me to the point where no one could help me?  What would it have taken for my friends and family to load me in a car and have me checked out and in with professionals who could help me and maybe help them? 

Words…words and more words.  Words did not help me.  Questions.  Why did it get to the point where it was easier to walk away then deal with the issues?  Why were phrases like “I need to find myself”; “We are not where I thought we would be at this point in life”; “You have ruined relationships.”; “I don’t need to tell you anything.”; “I never know what you I am going to get on any given day”; easier to say than to help me?  How many times did I help others in my family?  How many times did I hold it all up and together for everyone around me?  Why were my failings so hard on me and everyone?  Is there an answer or did the world just fracture too much this time for anyone to hold it together? 

So much wrong and all the right went away.  I tried so hard to not see the world that way.  Every fault and failing and mistake, regardless of whose, I would rage against and get angry but eventually I accepted and took the apology and recognized the supposed shame and tried to heal myself and those around me because I believed, well no to a certain extent, I still believe, that someday if I ever needed it, those in my life could hold me together; be my glue; would rage against me but try and help me heal and accept and love me still.  I believed. 

Two years of wondering; of fighting; of screaming; of raging; of not getting “IT”  I  wonder if any of it is mine to get?  I wonder if this was the plan all along.  Not of his and not of mine but of the universe. 

I have to learn, again, that I am my own glue.  That I have to hold myself together.  I have to admit what I can’t handle.  I have to accept that there are a great many things that are not “mine” to handle.  I have to love me.  That I am responsible for me.  I cannot correct the past or the wrongs done by me and too me.  I can try to atone for them by being the Me I know I can be and the Me I want to be.  I can’t force anyone to forgive; to love me; to support me; to hold me together.  I can only be and accept that those in my life have to now be responsible to themselves as well and not to me and I have to be responsible to me so when I need to be there I can.  

Thanksgiving

So this was my second Thanksgiving single and wading through the life of as a Mom to five kids who had traditions which had to change midstream and making it so it was as comfortable for the kids and myself as could be.

Turned out to be a great week.  My boss let us go early from work Tuesday.  We had Wednesday off.  Thursday, unexpectedly Kaitie (because of flight issues) came for dinner.  The boys were here and Paul's girlfriend was too.  We had a full on dinner without corn - because I forgot the corn.  Patrick did the dishes, Kaitie and Paul put the food up...we divided who took home what and had a great few hours.  My kids are adults - I cannot decide if that makes me what to smile or cry.

I am very lucky and despite other blog posts and feelings I have at any given hour, I know I am lucky - even if my situation went bad - not many people get the chance to have what I have had in life.

So I am THANKFUL.

Blog post #1 - emotional for me

Over the course of my 48 years I have been called many things, to my face and behind my back.  In the last 30 months those names upped the ante.

Crazy

Irrational

Thief

Emotional Terrorist

Abusive

Alcoholic

Over emotional

Paranoid

Illogical

A bad wife

A bad parent

Shrewd

A Shrew

Unworthy

An emotional Drain

A physiological drain

Unstable

Mean

Hateful

A know-it-all

Fat

Ugly

Damaged

Boring

Stupid

Idiot

Liar

Disrespectful

Clingy

Destroyer of self-esteem

Over Bearing

Destroyer of all that is good
Toxic

These are the words that come off the top of my head.  My Life Coach had me do an exercise where people had to say two positive things about me.  I got a lot of positive responses.  Enough that made my head swell.  Made my ego swell and I tackled the session, the night and some good time to evaluate myself as these people saw me. 

Unfortunately, what do you do with those who have said the list above about you? When those are people who are supposed to love you and you are supposed to love unconditionally?

How do you turn those phrases, that people whom you love and respect or respected, have said them about you?  How do you see the good in yourself? 

I have seen myself as firm, strong, willful, dominant, demanding but would lay my life on the line for anyone.  How did what I have done for 28 years turn into me being the bad guy with so many labels.  How do you gain those labels when you are 3? 5? 10? 15? 18? 

How many times do I have to say “no this is what happened” before I lose my mind before life becomes such that I believe all or part of the list above?  I’ve spent 2 years living it for sure and still to this day hear those comments.  I keep trying to say look at me…I’m functioning…I’m working…I’m productive…I AM ME.  But it is never enough?  Why? 

I don’t have an answer to that.  I’ve never thought of myself as most of the things on that first list but it has been said and implied so much that I am caught between adamantly disavowing it to just ignoring it and saying that if the relationship is so unhealthy those words can be used that time needs to pass.

I just don’t know what to do with the emotions now. 

I want to truly believe that I am:

A great Mom

I was a good wife

I am worthy

I am loving

I am good

I am smart

I am good at my job

I am a good person

I am beautiful inside and out

I AM ME – I am who God made me and he doesn’t make mistakes.

So why can’t I believe that?  Why does the voice in my head go back to the first list.  No matter how many times, I try and make it right; no matter what I say or do in some people’s eyes I am everything on the first list and nothing more. 

Today, I don’t know who to believe.  I don’t know what words to believe and I most certainly am having a hard time trusting the emotions. 

I’m so drained from defending myself; proving myself; saying sorry; being hurt.  I want to be…I want to……………………………………..

Hanging in and hanging on....

I had these great elaborate plans to post after the reunion and then some health issues came up.

I had these great elaborate plans to post how I am working hard to untangle the "knot" of 28 years and instead I picked up the phone and talked, cried, scream, yelled, cussed, talked and...well....

I had these great elaborate plans to do so much but then this weekend it hit me:

Many of my facebook posts over the years have talked about how much I did in a day and asked what productivity was.

Well, I was productive alright - I got it all done and more - I put many of people to shame with my lists.  But what I didn't do was slow down; rest; listen; talk; LISTEN; and just be.  I'm not talking about the all new rage of mindfulness - I mean just be...like accepting it is ok to sit and watch Netflix all day long.  Or to take a 2 hour walk; or read a book until 3 a.m. knowing you still had to get up the next day.  To spend 2 hours having coffee or talking to your kid no matter how old they are.  To call a friend up and have an actual conversation.  I was productive in all the right ways but the wrong ways too.

So productive - FUCK YEAH I have been productive over the years - but here is the kicker...the next 30 plus years will be about being productive for me; productive in a way that suits my tastes; productive in a way defined by me and not the world around me or the responsibilities - real or imagined.  Productive in a way that helps me grow, love, learn and be there - in the here and now - for people.

So here is to realizing how much potential I have even if the most productive thing I do in a day is clean out the cat box and hit "yes" on the Netflix message of "are you sure you want to continue watching".  

***no dig on my own five kids; all the other kids I carted around for years and had flying marshmallow camp outs with - it is just my time, I was there for your time!

I am worthy! ;

Even though I knew there were major things wrong, my marriage felt healthy compared to the life I grew up with and the life my ex-husband grew up with.  I couldn’t and still have a hard time not seeing that I was a failure at marriage rather than my marriage failed. 

Somehow, soon after I said I do, I lost myself and my sense of self.  Oh it was still there when it had to be but when it came to me and my ex-husband or me and my marriage it was gone.  I felt crazy, all the time.  “I said I was getting ready to leave work, not I was leaving work” and so dinner was late or burned or dryed out; “I told you…”; “I did this because you did that”.  “I’m too tired to talk about this”; “I don’t get what you are so upset over”.  The list goes on and on. 

If I was sick, I was over reacting; if I was feeling lonely I was attention seeking; if I just went on a tear I was crazy and my ex would shut down because he said it reminded him of growing up.  I don’t know how many times he said or made me think I was the stressor in the marriage.  I put on the smile; brave front; did not complain to my friends; isolated myself so I wouldn’t have anyone to gripe to because his status was more important.  I read that statement and think how did I do that.  I can’t blame him – I let myself believe I was not important. 

I am NOT CRAZY – not in this situational setting.  It is funny, I finally had a major depressive episode in 2014 over something I did and part of my brain said “you can do this, you can let go, have this episode; be crazy – you have a loving partner who will be there.”  Instead it was the ending.  Then I spent an entire year during the up and down of secrets; lies; moving in and out again thinking I was crazy and at this point, I think I was and I know I was driving my kids and everyone around me crazy but every rejection by a person I had ever had in my life piled on my head; in my head and in my heart.  How is the person that I loved; that I spent 27 years with, how was he not strong enough to help me when I fell apart?  I took the blame for this for about the last 25 months.  No longer.  I was strong when I was required to be; when I needed to be; when I had to be and the minute I broke – I was not good enough…that is not my failure.

So the picture above does not accurately reflect the post but it is there to remind me that one day I will thank "him" and others for my journey. 

My Story  Is Not Over ; 

I am not a failure

I read an article that said “A marriage exists between two people. A marriage is a connection between two people. It is not either of them; it’s outside. When a marriage ends in divorce, it’s the relationship between the couple that’s a failure not either of the spouses.”

This kind of smacked me in the face.  My young boss and I had a conversation the other day about Mrs. vs. Ms.  She is married and I kept typing Mrs.  She wasn’t mad but said Mrs. just made her feel old.  I was baffled but then I thought how much stock I put into MRS.  I’m proud of MRS.  I was MRS for almost 25 years.  I (why is there no way to make I stand out?)…I did not fail at being MRS.  The relationship failed.  Now there are many reasons a relationship fails.  I have a journal that is up to 107 reasons why (and I just started it last week).  My goal is not to make the failure mine but attributed the failures to the relationship between the couple.  It is a hard exercise.  Some days it feels futile, others it helps me make it through.  

The rest of the article had some good points: (quoting)

1.   You have always been more than a spouse. Your role as a spouse was just a small part of who you are as a person. As a person you have all kinds of roles you fill every day already that you can choose at any moment to define your identity: father, mother, daughter, son, employee, manager, volunteer, driver, etc. You can also choose a new identity for yourself now that you’re no longer a spouse especially if you remember that “you are powerful beyond measure” and you’re so much greater than a failure.
 

2.   There are no grades for how you live your life. You’ve always done your best with the resources, ability and understanding you’ve had each and every moment of your life. There’s no way you or anyone else can change the fact that as a human you’re predetermined to do your best. That doesn’t mean that as you learn and experience more that you would have done things differently if you were to face the same situations today. It just means that you’re being perfectly you all the time. And there’s no way that you can be a failure.
 

3.   You become what you think about. You can absolutely make sure you’re miserable by focusing on how miserable you are or should be. You can absolutely make sure that you become a failure if all you focus on is feeling like a failure.

End quote. 

Unfortunately, that is not how my mind was set when I was a kid or when I got married.  My identity has always been tied to what I did.  If I allowed it to be tied to who am I then I felt like I would wither away.  Last week I challenged my FB friends to describe me in two words and aside from a couple that mentioned mom in a positive way; none mentioned wife, quilter, soccer, etc.  My mind’s eye has only seen me one way. 

This article sets up #2 with how we are conditioned to use grades to make measurements.  It is funny how when I do something less than perfect or close to perfect at work, I start apologizing.  I have been lead to believe that my life had to be on an A to F scale and for awhile I’ve hovered around D’s and F’s.  Why is that?  I can name so many good things.  No. 2 and 3 go together.  Someone asked me the point of a life coach now but this is why.  I’ve let some part of me control that my actions, deeds, who I thought I should be, what I failed at control whether I was a failure or not.  I’ve qualified statements before; well that qualification is because I know I’m not a failure.  My divorce does not make me a failure.  Some of my actions contributed to a failed marriage…that is so different.

Start again, at the beginning of this post, those five pictures are PROOF I did not fail; I am not a failure...

Keep reading – my story is not over ;

***Credit to Author Karen Finn for the excellent points***