Some of my Firsts since August 2015...

Fired? Terminated? Laid Off?

FIRED…TERMINATED…LET GO….doesn’t matter what you call it but each word stings.  It stings to those of us proud of our work and work ethic.  It stings to those of us who care and get personally invested in the job and clients. 

Just like with all life events, the action of being fired sends you through cycles…

My first was shock.  Literally my brain tried to listen but kept saying “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME”. 

My second reaction was anger.  Oh really, well, let’s see how well this goes without me.  THEN…

I couldn’t breathe.   How was I going to pay the light bill? How was I going to eat?  I have 5 kids worth of student loans to pay for and a new car I bought.  I had been at this job for 7 months after a 15 year hiatus to raise my kids, who was going to hire me.  I was going to be the little gray haired woman at McDonalds asking if anyone wanted a coffee refill. 

Bitterness and revenge…oh the stories I could tell.  The things I could dish on.  The clients I could “let in on things”.  The toe stepped over the line issues that would take everyone down.  How about the person who got several reprimands and write ups and produced no income or very little but didn’t lose her job?

Humiliation set in almost immediately.  How do I tell everyone?  How do I tell everyone what happened to a job I loved; clients I loved; an area of law that moved me and I got fired because my boss couldn’t be professional? 

Then calm.  So I got fired for no reason, no explanation, no severance and cannot get unemployment because I didn’t make enough during two quarters.   The calm of update the resume, prioritize your bills, suck it up and ask for help, send out the resumes and apply for any job.  Any job is better than none and could provide a learning experience to add to my life. 

So, except for demanding I had a right to remove my personal browser history with passwords stored (which by the way DO NOT DO ON YOUR WORK COMPUTER), I left with as much dignity as I could.  I posted on Facebook what happened but blocked anyone who could see or know my old office and office mates.  I’m trying to see this as a learning experience but will readily admit that revenge hangs closely in my “alone time thoughts”.  

So how do I grow from this personally?  What can I learn that is not negative?  How can I see that this is another mountain to climb (hell, I climbed an actual mountain and went zip lining)?  The articles on the World Wide Web are not helpful.  They talk about the psychological affects; they talk about how to “deal”; they talk about “pulling up your boot straps and taking time”.  I don’t have time.  I NEED to work, I need the intellectual stimulation, I need something more than a job, something I thought I had but didn’t.  So I will spend time sorting it out.  Maybe a creative way to take my knowledge will come out of all this so I can still help the elderly and their families and have some social justice for an area of our society that is so completely ignored that it breaks my heart.   

Labeling myself and Self Destructive Thinking

I certainly thought that 2016 would be much better than 2014 and 2015 but it hasn’t turned out that way so far.  Today, I was thinking what productive thoughts and writings did I have?  At first “none” was the answer.  I went back at looked at my post on Facebook from 4/7/16 about having lost my job and saw all the comments.  I looked at all the private messages I had received.  People kept saying:

You are strong.

You will come out ahead.

You are a fighter.

We believe in you.

We love you.

We are proud of you.

You are a force to be reckoned with.

Stay strong and focused. 

These are just a few.  I sat here for almost 45 minutes re-reading these comments wondering why people would post these things. 

I am weak.

I’m a follower.

I’m concerned about what others think of me.

I need and crave acceptance and approval.

I’m not pretty or smart.

I’m behind, I got fired.

I require too much out of people. 

I give too much.

I’m too emotional. 

My list went on and on and in my head it still does.  Then I looked at the people posting, they were not family…they were not fringe friends seeing what has happened to someone else today.  What the hell could that mean?  Someone tell me and the “Oh they really care about you” just seems cliché.

Why is my list of ME so negative but everyone else’s is positive or a helping hand and done out of genuine concern?  

For some reason the Gladiator scene with Commodus came to mind:  “You wrote to me once, listing the four chief virtues: Wisdom, justice, fortitude and temperance. As I read the list, I knew I had none of them. But I have other virtues, father. Ambition. That can be a virtue when it drives us to excel. Resourcefulness, courage, perhaps not on the battlefield, but... there are many forms of courage. Devotion, to my family and to you.”. 

When I started my first job after the divorce I had to take two tests.  One was a strength finder and the other a Kolbe assessment.  Both proved very interesting.  I retook both tests and my strength finder test changed.  My Kolbe assessment did not.  So my virtue’s? Who decides?  What are they?  Do they ever evolve?  Can they evolve?  

So back to my internal view of myself:

I am weak = well not really.  I’m physically stronger than I have ever been in my life.  I am mentally working on being stronger, which is a wishy-washy way of saying I’m mentally stronger now than I was say 3 months, 6 months, 8 months ago.

I’m a follower – I’m a follower when I allow others actions or words send me to a place of self-doubt and when someone deserving of being followed appears in my life.  

I’m concerned about what others think of me – not sure how to get around this one.

I need and crave acceptance and approval – Not entirely true.  I don’t need and crave it – I WANT it. 

I’m not pretty or smart – well I’m not ugly either and I’m not stupid or ignorant.  I’m 47 with 5 kids; a baby belly, a sun damaged face; hair that goes wild in the wind; nails I don’t take care of and I didn’t finish college but I read and try and learn as much as I can. 

I’m behind, I got fired – I am behind in the legal field.  So much has changed but I caught up.  And Yes I got fired.  People get fired for real reasons and made up ones.  Yes I am hurt and angry as hell over it but I won’t be taken advantage of like that again and will put this in my “learn from” column. 

I require too much out of people – I do.  I expect answers; responses; I want what I want when I want it and feel let down when I don’t get it.  I respond why can’t they – oh yeah wait because they are not me. 

I give too much – Oh that I do…but is that a fault or did I add it to the list because my brain says it is a fault?  I love giving….

I’m too emotional – another Oh yeah…but is that a fault or did I add it to the list because so many men in my life and my step-mother have told me I am over emotional and to buck up?  What is wrong with having emotions; showing them; Sad part is I’ve spent so many years trying to repress this I forgot to show when I was happy.  So that is a huge fault. 

So the point?  Not sure except to say that I have a great group of friends and a wonderful support system.  I am trying every day.  I am learning every day and I'm attempting to surround myself with people who see me for ME and not for who they want or wish me to be.   

So much between 8/21/15 and today...I'm going to start here and work my way around the whirlwind:

Tonight I read an article about “hangover anger in a divorce”. I was with my spouse for 28 years and married for 24 when he left...the day after I took our youngest child to college.  I will admit that in each instance related in this article, I was the villain.  I was the one with hangover anger.  Why shouldn’t I be?  Our marriage was doomed from the beginning.   He didn’t want me to move to the city where he had a new job and I did it anyway; his family hated me; they thought I was a “gold-digger” and later after having kids a “drain on his potential”.   I got pregnant when we were not married and our marriage proposal went like this:  Me:  I am 4 weeks pregnant.  Him:  So when do you want to get hitched.  The night before our wedding he went out with friends and never came home – I had to push the time with the Judge back twice and we didn’t even have a wedding ring for me.   How many times in our marriage did he say “my money”?  How many times did he go out while I was home with the kids – five beautiful wonderful kids whom I wanted.  How many times did he go to strip joints and spend money on them, money we didn’t have?  How many times did I hide money problems because I felt they were created by him and it was my job to fix them?  How many times did I support him, yes with memories of the past but willing to support him any way I could?  How many times did I cry myself to sleep because he rejected me?   I once had a therapist tell me he had a “Madonna complex”.  That would have involved him holding me higher in esteem.  I fought and argued and vented.  I was brash and let my emotions control every word that came out of my mouth but he had said he loved me.  I loved him despite his faults….how could he not love me despite mine?   The ultimate humiliation for him came and gave him an escape…he stuck it out for almost a year from that humiliation.   I’ll give him some credit for that.  However, was there any love there?  Ever?   Do we have anything together, to remember, to cherish, and too hold on to other than our kids?  I think not…and so I’ll readily admit, I have hangover anger in divorce.  I was sought after; I was content; I was rising in my career; I was a great mom; I was great at my job; I was great at any job I had…except marriage.  I sucked at marriage.  I did what every book said to do.  I cooked dinner; looked after the kids; had a clean house.  I tried dressing nice; seducing; being less needy; concerned about him….I ran the gambit from trying too care too much to shielding myself.   But I didn’t sleep and I couldn’t get him to connect in a way that was more than passive.  I FAILED.  So my divorce hangover has produced much anger.  At me and him.   There is more to this story but on the short, this is the “cliff notes”.   I failed my marriage, my spouse, my kids and more importantly myself.  But I was set up for failure from day one and sought to live that out.  Now…I have a divorce anger hangover that involves me spewing hate; being resentful; hurtful; involving our adult children in my nonsense and hating myself for it.   DIVORCE ANGER HANGOVER.   How long will it last?   

Divorce....

So since my last post, I was and have been faced with divorce.  My divorce was initialted by my husband on 6/29/15.   I found out he filed in July 2015.   The process of divorce, can we work it our, lawyers, moving out started.....He left the day after I took our youngest to college.  He told me the week before that it was all over and he was leaving....

Depression and my "what is my purpose and have I done anything productive today" experiment

*****disclaimer - I am still learning the "blog" ways and this entry jumps around a great bit and I'm not sure it flows to a point - it may be an entry (again) for me to focus on and not others*****  We have had a lot of discussions in our house recently, due to family events; personal events; life events; empty nest; jobs and just all around life.

I found a website which listed the following signs (and it was actually a decent website with the most practical advice I could see/read):

Signs of Depression are different for men and women.  One of my arguments on medical health these days.  I prefer a male doctor - ok that is a lie - I prefer my male family practitioner whom I have seen for 24 years.  I have seen female doctors and in most area's do not have an issue but do in others.  While men tend to be a little more dismissive, I have found the women to be a little too judgemental.  One issue I have with male doctors though is that they have a tendency, even when they have known their patient for 20 plus years, to apply the general signs and symptoms or male signs and symptoms to all issues.

Lately, I have heard the words or phrases too often:

Your too animated, no one will listen or take you seriously;
You need to relax;
Calm down;
Your making an issue out of something that you don't need to or shouldn't be;
I don't get "IT".

None are productive phrases and lead to more issues.

Anyway, the article listed several general signs:

• Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. A bleak outlook—nothing will ever get better and there’s nothing you can do to improve your situation.
• Loss of interest in daily activities. No interest in former hobbies, pastimes, social activities, or sex. You’ve lost your ability to feel joy and pleasure.
• Appetite or weight changes. Significant weight loss or weight gain—a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month.
• Sleep changes. Either insomnia, especially waking in the early hours of the morning, or oversleeping (also known as hypersomnia).
• Anger or irritability. Feeling agitated, restless, or even violent. Your tolerance level is low, your temper short, and everything and everyone gets on your nerves.
• Loss of energy. Feeling fatigued, sluggish, and physically drained. Your whole body may feel heavy, and even small tasks are exhausting or take longer to complete.
• Self-loathing. Strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt. You harshly criticize yourself for perceived faults and mistakes.
• Reckless behavior. You engage in escapist behavior such as substance abuse, compulsive gambling, reckless driving, or dangerous sports.
• Concentration problems. Trouble focusing, making decisions, or remembering things.
• Unexplained aches and pains. An increase in physical complaints such as headaches, back pain, aching muscles, and stomach pain.

The article was careful to point out that "these symptoms can be part of life’s normal lows. But the more symptoms you have, the stronger they are, and the longer they’ve lasted—the more likely it is that you’re dealing with depression. When these symptoms are overwhelming and disabling then it is time to seek help."  

There is a more specific list for women and the causes.  Most of them dead on.  I'm not saying I am depressed but I seem to have a great bit of the signs.   

What hit me on the article was the explanations they gave of causes and treatments.  How side by side they varied a great bit from the mens.  AND how one of the last "mood busters" it gave was:  

Find purpose

Dedicating time to a meaningful activity improves mood, reduces stress, and keeps you mentally sharp. The activity can be as simple as taking up a new hobby or volunteering your time. You worry less about every little ache and pain in your own life when you move the focus to a new interest.

What bothered me about the article was how do you get to that point when the points listed ahead of it seem so over whelming?  

My youngest child today said "everyone needs to stop....stop wanting to be right; stop acting like its the end of the world; stop acting like a person is going to fall apart; stop over thinking.  We need to start recognizing the needs, even if its just listening for five minutes or a coca-cola from the store and we need to start helping each other.  Everyone's problem is their own but if we see them struggling to deal with it why do we have to dump our problems on top and make them feel even worse?".  

I'm thinking, some strong words from such a young person.  

Do I have and have I had a lot of these symptoms for about 3 years (more if you count the times during or after pregnancy) - the answer is yes but I feel like I can relate all mine back to one out of each category:  Biological - chronic injury that has pain every day.  Psychological - low self esteem and rehashing negative thoughts all day (and sometimes I mean ALL DAY).  Social - marital issues; kid issues; and my own parental issues.  Hormonal - uh duh....read my blog entry from yesterday.  

It said that in almost all instances: 

Differences between male and female depression
Women tend to:	Men tend to:
Blame themselves	Blame others
Feel sad, apathetic, and worthless	Feel angry, irritable, and ego inflated
Feel anxious and scared	Feel suspicious and guarded
Avoid conflicts at all costs	Create conflicts
Feel slowed down and nervous	Feel restless and agitated
Have trouble setting boundaries	Need to feel in control at all costs
Find it easy to talk about self-doubt and despair	Find it “weak” to admit self-doubt or despair
Use food, friends, and "love" to self-medicate	Use alcohol, TV, sports, and sex to self-medicate

I found this list interesting.  I meet the top 6 very easily and the bottom two not so much (in my eyes).  

So the point, not sure except to get it written down (somewhere no one reads :)) or to try and show myself something.  

I go back to purpose though and what is mine; I don't know at this point that more medication or more talking to people I have to pay is helpful but I'm also not buying into the "self-help" things.  I've tried lists; exercise; walking; meditating; journal writing; making sure I am moving and not just siting around; schedules; picking up old activities and the "feelings" are still there.  I think that each person has to find their own "work around".  I think that each list is great and is a starting point and generates some eye opening behaviors, for yourself and those around you and I really find the differences between men and women and how they handle and manifest depression interesting.  

I don't know how you deal with it or fix it.  I don't know how much is learned behavior or even environmental - something goes wrong and the first response is your depressed or here take a pill.  How do you change 20 years of doing something?  When you go to school as a child you then move on to college and college is set up (or the good ones are) to help you cope with job related skills and so you move on to a job and/or a career and when that career ends you may or may not have other skills to move to another job or career.  When you have stayed home and given up your career and your career has moved on and your kids have moved on, everything you do from here out has to be re-learned or is new.  Conversely, if your in a job or career that you do not like making a change and adapting is harder than a SAHM who has spent many years learning new things and adapting.  I recognize those things, I can point them out, I just can not say with any intellectual honest what purpose all that adaption and learning of things serves me now.  What do you do if what you wanted was to be a SAHM?  What do you do if your career or job you had was yanked away from you - either by mistakes you made or just because?  How do you re-find your purpose in life and what you are supposed to do and can you beat any cycles of depression until you do?  

What do you do when you and your spouse are in the same battle of feelings?  

What do you do when your battle feels so overwhelming you can't pull yourself to any positive aspect?  (Therapy, medication, self help etc)?  

What do you do when even the positive words sound negative and leave you feeling alone?  

In the words of my youngest - the first place I may need to start is to stop trying to be right; and do that in a positive manner.  I keep couching it in terms of "I just want someone to acknowledge X, Y & Z" but what I'm looking for is someone to say "your right" and then am convincing myself that I can and will move forward when that happens.  

Now, if any part of this makes any sense to anyone, and even if it doesn't, because we are on the time of year when the darkness outside; the weather in general and the holiday's can affect people, for your loved ones and yourself, read the articles and signs and symptoms at:  http://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/depression-signs-and-symptoms.htm

see if there is anything there for you and more importantly for your loved ones.  

The Surgery that didn't happen....

These past 7 days have not been good.  I was supposed to have a partial hysterectomy last Wednesday.  On Tuesday, I got a call from some "girl" and by girl, I mean she didn't sound older than 18 calling to tell me that my surgery has been cancelled because my white blood cell count was at 19.8 and they were sending me back to my family doctor.  No other information other than that and would not let me talk to the GYN.  Why I felt it necessary to argue with this person, I do not know.  I did feel it necessary.  Like I could change her mind.  I can't even make up my own mind so not sure why I thought I could change this poor girls mind when all she had been told to do was call me.

Next, I called my family doctor - ok on his cell, during office hours and in hysterics.  He did not have any blood work and did not know what was going on and all he gets is me screaming in his ear.

Then I called my husband and he basically got the same treatment.

Who could I call next?

The whole week was a mess and I was an emotional wreck.  I'm not even sure where to start.  Part of me is embarassed that I handled the whole thing the way I did, the other part of me is really angry and then there is a part that the people closest to me didn't do much and saw I was drowning in my own emotional wrath and didn't try and pull me out.  I almost feel like crying as I sit here in write this.

Three years ago the GYN suggested a hysterectomy.  While I have joked about it and probably needed one for various reasons (non of which were medically necessary but all physically comfort necessary) I have put it off with every excuse in the book.  I didn't have time; I had soccer starting; kids were coming home; I had a tournament; Pat was out of town.  I had every excuse.  I finally got to the point where the decision was made.  To be honest, after this summer I was a little scared that three years of ignoring everything would add up to more things to go wrong and so I went to see the doctor.

I got put on the books and took the first available date they could get me on.  It was a six week wait.  Here is the deal.  I am talking about removing the thing that held each of my kids.  Yes it has given me issues over the last few years and I have now had a period for 36 years of my life but I'm voluntarily cutting out the one that that is medically necessary to carry a child.  If your ovaries don't work, you can still be implanted but without a uterus how do you carry a child?  While I don't want and will not be having any more kids, a tubal was permanent but temporary - you can always try and reverse them.  They have not invented a fake uterus yet.

I rearranged my entire schedule.  Not that my schedule has much on it these days but I got everything lined up from the mundane (laundry and grocery shopping) to soccer covered.  I had movies laid out; I knew how I was going to spend my 3 to 4 days of bed rest.  I did everything I was supposed to do before the surgery and then NOTHING.

So I've tried working it all out in my head because I keep getting asked what I was so upset about.  It is mostly the men (either the women get it or are too afraid to say that to me).  I can't put my finger on everything and none of it is in order.  I thought rather than a narrative, I'd try a list and then see if I can figure out the why?.....

1.  The doctor/GYN didn't call.  He has someone in his office call with the information.  Someone with no medical knowledge; who could not answer my questions and just kept repeating herself.  Poor child was probably traumatized by the time we hung up.

2.  They cancelled the surgery.  They didn't call me back in for blood work.   A month ago my WBC was high but not 19.8.  I live less than a mile from the hospital and the hospital can run a complete CBC in 30 minutes.  Even when I tried to demand it no one would do it.  They had already cancelled the surgery.  What if the blood work was wrong.  I had been on an antibiotic right up until the day they drew the blood, how was my WBC at 19.8 unless it was either a) wrong or b) there was another issue.

3.  They were referring me back to my family doctor but no one picked up the phone to talk to him, not even the GYN.  Didn't anyone think that he would be my next call when I hung up?  That if he wasn't aware he couldn't offer me any answers either?

4.  When I called, what I wanted was for my family doctor who has been our friend for 20 plus years to drop everything he was doing pick up the phone and call the GYN, demand blood test; demand answers; demand the surgery happen.  He didn't do this.  His solution was to order more blood work; he would look at the lab results.  Aside from my unreasonable expectations of what I wanted him to do, here is where our communication took a bad turn.  a) I didn't know that blood work was ordered through the computer now, so when he said he was ordering it, it basically was a touch on his computer and done and all I had to do was show up.  I thought it was like the old days and I had to wait for a call to come and pick up a lab slip; b) he kept asking me what I wanted him to do when he had seen the lab results and it just made me more hysterical.  ****sidebar - why is it when Men do not know what to say or do they just keep repeating the same thing over and over?  "What do you want me to do?"....why do I have to tell them...can't they see?  can't they read my mind?  Can't they google - my wife has lost it and what do I do just as easy as I can?

At this point, my inner 7 year old had kicked in and my mind set was "screw the surgery I'm not doing this so why bother having more blood drawn?  If these idiots can't move and order it now to see if the draw was bad and just cancelled the surgery why bother doing anything else.

5.  I called my husband who was no help.  He wanted answers as well but I had none to give.  I asked him to call our family doctor, knowing that a) I was just hysterical enough that I missed something and our FP had probably shut down listening to me - I would have; and b) if the labs showed something bad the FP would be more likely to tell him first than to tell me (why wouldn't he, I got hysterical over cancelling a surgery what would my reaction be to leukemia?).

My husband did not call.  At first he said it was because he didn't have the phone number, he later admitted because he didn't want to and after thinking about it figured what more information would he get than I had.  I think he didn't want to know either or be the one to have to tell me anything if the news was bad.

Finally, he texted the doctor on Wednesday.  The doctors instructions via text were putting her on an antibiotic and then we will draw blood.  This was backwards to me.

I was still in the why have the surgery mode but I'll go into that later but the go on meds and then draw blood was backwards.  If I went on an antibiotic and then it lowered the WBC what if the meds were masking whatever was wrong.  I emailed him, which he hates, but I thought I could get my reasoning's out better if written down.  I tried talking to him and he just kept saying "so what are you going to do about it"?

6.  I went to see the doctor on Friday and he was mad at me.  I was mad at him and by the end it all worked out.  He wanted me to have blood drawn and then go on the antibiotic.  The labs were all in line with a high WBC (that was another issue I had was the actual lab work showed other things being off than just the WBC) but apparently those were all normal things that if the WBC is that high those would be up too.  He finally admitted he was in a bad mood and took at least some pity on me that a) I didn't know that the lab tests didn't require written orders anymore and b) that I was upset.  While he didn't seem to get why I was so upset he did get that I was upset and offered sympathy and even a hug.

This leads me to a whole other post but I didn't even get this from my husband.

7.  Lab results come back and the WBC was down to 14.5 - still high but down.  Every medication I am on has the side effect of having a high WBC, the antibiotic and the prednisone especially.  If I go off the prednisone what does that do to the arthritis and does it raise the WBC because of the inflammation.

Part of my inner 7 year old "I am not having the surgery now" has come from these circular arguments.

If the medications are causing it, the doctors all had the list of meds and knew what I was on and the side effects.  If I go off of them it causes other issues.  What happens if I set up the surgery again and go for the pre blood work and it is high for stress; or inflammation or what ever?  I can't go through having another round of set ups again.

I started my period since and am miserable.  I am exhausted, I hurt; I am cranky and even more depressed than normal.  This was supposed to be done.

I had given a note to the GYN terminating our doctor patient relationship; Family Doctor is trying to repair that but getting on the surgery schedule will be an issue.  Now we are talking about doing all this during the holidays.  I feel like life is hard enough but now the one thing that should have worked out hasn't and will move to a time of year that is already hard for me?

Worst part of all of this, is that the only person any of my complaints or issues seem to make sense to is me.  Why? Am I crazy?  Is my thinking so off?  Even the couple of friends who have been truly sympathetic you can tell they don't get it.  So what now?

Family doctor was supposed to call the GYN yesterday and get back to me.  He has not.  I am sure that he is stuck in a position of hysterical patient sort of pissed off GYN so what do we do now.  Of course it could be that he is busy and has other patients.  I have turned into that person that has it in her mind that the only important issue out there right now is mine.  That bothers me as well.  I've lost sympathy for the fact that people have other issues than ME to deal with.

So why did this send me in such a spiral?  How do I handle it from here?  The surgery was/is costing us money that can be used other places.  Its a pain, literally and physically, mentally and actually - but it is not debilitating.  I can live with it, I don't like it but I can live with it.  Would I have acted this way a year ago?  6 months ago?  Can any of this be repaired or am I on such a path of self destruction that it is one more thing I have added to the list?

So surgery was cancelled.  Has not been rescheduled.  We know I don't have some major disease and think that it was/is just the medications but no surgeon will do the surgery with the WBC up that high and if I go off the medications I am on there is no guarantee that the WBC will go down because the inflammation will come back.  So I don't know what to do and before I make a decision, I can't get past this just wanting someone to tell me I am right or was right.