These past 7 days have not been good. I was supposed to have a partial hysterectomy last Wednesday. On Tuesday, I got a call from some "girl" and by girl, I mean she didn't sound older than 18 calling to tell me that my surgery has been cancelled because my white blood cell count was at 19.8 and they were sending me back to my family doctor. No other information other than that and would not let me talk to the GYN. Why I felt it necessary to argue with this person, I do not know. I did feel it necessary. Like I could change her mind. I can't even make up my own mind so not sure why I thought I could change this poor girls mind when all she had been told to do was call me.
Next, I called my family doctor - ok on his cell, during office hours and in hysterics. He did not have any blood work and did not know what was going on and all he gets is me screaming in his ear.
Then I called my husband and he basically got the same treatment.
Who could I call next?
The whole week was a mess and I was an emotional wreck. I'm not even sure where to start. Part of me is embarassed that I handled the whole thing the way I did, the other part of me is really angry and then there is a part that the people closest to me didn't do much and saw I was drowning in my own emotional wrath and didn't try and pull me out. I almost feel like crying as I sit here in write this.
Three years ago the GYN suggested a hysterectomy. While I have joked about it and probably needed one for various reasons (non of which were medically necessary but all physically comfort necessary) I have put it off with every excuse in the book. I didn't have time; I had soccer starting; kids were coming home; I had a tournament; Pat was out of town. I had every excuse. I finally got to the point where the decision was made. To be honest, after this summer I was a little scared that three years of ignoring everything would add up to more things to go wrong and so I went to see the doctor.
I got put on the books and took the first available date they could get me on. It was a six week wait. Here is the deal. I am talking about removing the thing that held each of my kids. Yes it has given me issues over the last few years and I have now had a period for 36 years of my life but I'm voluntarily cutting out the one that that is medically necessary to carry a child. If your ovaries don't work, you can still be implanted but without a uterus how do you carry a child? While I don't want and will not be having any more kids, a tubal was permanent but temporary - you can always try and reverse them. They have not invented a fake uterus yet.
I rearranged my entire schedule. Not that my schedule has much on it these days but I got everything lined up from the mundane (laundry and grocery shopping) to soccer covered. I had movies laid out; I knew how I was going to spend my 3 to 4 days of bed rest. I did everything I was supposed to do before the surgery and then NOTHING.
So I've tried working it all out in my head because I keep getting asked what I was so upset about. It is mostly the men (either the women get it or are too afraid to say that to me). I can't put my finger on everything and none of it is in order. I thought rather than a narrative, I'd try a list and then see if I can figure out the why?.....
1. The doctor/GYN didn't call. He has someone in his office call with the information. Someone with no medical knowledge; who could not answer my questions and just kept repeating herself. Poor child was probably traumatized by the time we hung up.
2. They cancelled the surgery. They didn't call me back in for blood work. A month ago my WBC was high but not 19.8. I live less than a mile from the hospital and the hospital can run a complete CBC in 30 minutes. Even when I tried to demand it no one would do it. They had already cancelled the surgery. What if the blood work was wrong. I had been on an antibiotic right up until the day they drew the blood, how was my WBC at 19.8 unless it was either a) wrong or b) there was another issue.
3. They were referring me back to my family doctor but no one picked up the phone to talk to him, not even the GYN. Didn't anyone think that he would be my next call when I hung up? That if he wasn't aware he couldn't offer me any answers either?
4. When I called, what I wanted was for my family doctor who has been our friend for 20 plus years to drop everything he was doing pick up the phone and call the GYN, demand blood test; demand answers; demand the surgery happen. He didn't do this. His solution was to order more blood work; he would look at the lab results. Aside from my unreasonable expectations of what I wanted him to do, here is where our communication took a bad turn. a) I didn't know that blood work was ordered through the computer now, so when he said he was ordering it, it basically was a touch on his computer and done and all I had to do was show up. I thought it was like the old days and I had to wait for a call to come and pick up a lab slip; b) he kept asking me what I wanted him to do when he had seen the lab results and it just made me more hysterical. ****sidebar - why is it when Men do not know what to say or do they just keep repeating the same thing over and over? "What do you want me to do?"....why do I have to tell them...can't they see? can't they read my mind? Can't they google - my wife has lost it and what do I do just as easy as I can?
At this point, my inner 7 year old had kicked in and my mind set was "screw the surgery I'm not doing this so why bother having more blood drawn? If these idiots can't move and order it now to see if the draw was bad and just cancelled the surgery why bother doing anything else.
5. I called my husband who was no help. He wanted answers as well but I had none to give. I asked him to call our family doctor, knowing that a) I was just hysterical enough that I missed something and our FP had probably shut down listening to me - I would have; and b) if the labs showed something bad the FP would be more likely to tell him first than to tell me (why wouldn't he, I got hysterical over cancelling a surgery what would my reaction be to leukemia?).
My husband did not call. At first he said it was because he didn't have the phone number, he later admitted because he didn't want to and after thinking about it figured what more information would he get than I had. I think he didn't want to know either or be the one to have to tell me anything if the news was bad.
Finally, he texted the doctor on Wednesday. The doctors instructions via text were putting her on an antibiotic and then we will draw blood. This was backwards to me.
I was still in the why have the surgery mode but I'll go into that later but the go on meds and then draw blood was backwards. If I went on an antibiotic and then it lowered the WBC what if the meds were masking whatever was wrong. I emailed him, which he hates, but I thought I could get my reasoning's out better if written down. I tried talking to him and he just kept saying "so what are you going to do about it"?
6. I went to see the doctor on Friday and he was mad at me. I was mad at him and by the end it all worked out. He wanted me to have blood drawn and then go on the antibiotic. The labs were all in line with a high WBC (that was another issue I had was the actual lab work showed other things being off than just the WBC) but apparently those were all normal things that if the WBC is that high those would be up too. He finally admitted he was in a bad mood and took at least some pity on me that a) I didn't know that the lab tests didn't require written orders anymore and b) that I was upset. While he didn't seem to get why I was so upset he did get that I was upset and offered sympathy and even a hug.
This leads me to a whole other post but I didn't even get this from my husband.
7. Lab results come back and the WBC was down to 14.5 - still high but down. Every medication I am on has the side effect of having a high WBC, the antibiotic and the prednisone especially. If I go off the prednisone what does that do to the arthritis and does it raise the WBC because of the inflammation.
Part of my inner 7 year old "I am not having the surgery now" has come from these circular arguments.
If the medications are causing it, the doctors all had the list of meds and knew what I was on and the side effects. If I go off of them it causes other issues. What happens if I set up the surgery again and go for the pre blood work and it is high for stress; or inflammation or what ever? I can't go through having another round of set ups again.
I started my period since and am miserable. I am exhausted, I hurt; I am cranky and even more depressed than normal. This was supposed to be done.
I had given a note to the GYN terminating our doctor patient relationship; Family Doctor is trying to repair that but getting on the surgery schedule will be an issue. Now we are talking about doing all this during the holidays. I feel like life is hard enough but now the one thing that should have worked out hasn't and will move to a time of year that is already hard for me?
Worst part of all of this, is that the only person any of my complaints or issues seem to make sense to is me. Why? Am I crazy? Is my thinking so off? Even the couple of friends who have been truly sympathetic you can tell they don't get it. So what now?
Family doctor was supposed to call the GYN yesterday and get back to me. He has not. I am sure that he is stuck in a position of hysterical patient sort of pissed off GYN so what do we do now. Of course it could be that he is busy and has other patients. I have turned into that person that has it in her mind that the only important issue out there right now is mine. That bothers me as well. I've lost sympathy for the fact that people have other issues than ME to deal with.
So why did this send me in such a spiral? How do I handle it from here? The surgery was/is costing us money that can be used other places. Its a pain, literally and physically, mentally and actually - but it is not debilitating. I can live with it, I don't like it but I can live with it. Would I have acted this way a year ago? 6 months ago? Can any of this be repaired or am I on such a path of self destruction that it is one more thing I have added to the list?
So surgery was cancelled. Has not been rescheduled. We know I don't have some major disease and think that it was/is just the medications but no surgeon will do the surgery with the WBC up that high and if I go off the medications I am on there is no guarantee that the WBC will go down because the inflammation will come back. So I don't know what to do and before I make a decision, I can't get past this just wanting someone to tell me I am right or was right.
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