I have not written in a little while because I'm on the edge of surviving.  I have a pretty good support system; a great therapist and family support and a new job that challenges me everyday with a boss I love working with.

I have not written in awhile because how many times can you complain about the same things over and over.  To people not in the same position its hard to understand.

I have kids trying to find their way - they want me out of their business but call when there is an issue or they need help.  I am the bad guy and then MegaMom from day to day.  I am me but I am mom and ex-Mrs. day to day.

I go to work and I'm Pam.  I have had challenges and still do.  I am the oldest in the office.  I have a bit more experience than others but am fighting being over bearing "hear me roar".  My immediate boss seems happy, we are caught up - even ahead - we seem to be in sync and we have set our boundaries and she is letting more go since she knows she can trust it will get done.

Why do I still feel so inferior?  Why?  I read these articles and they all make it seem so easy - relax; love yourself; let go; on and on and on and on.  But real life doesn't work that way.  I'm not that guy sitting on the roof asking God where he was when he sent 3 different types of help but I am the person who is swimming to FIX everything now.  You know most divorces take a year or more - mine was filed by my ex on June 29th; he moved out on August 21st; the divorce was final November 13th.  I couldn't hang on..yet I still am - I fall back into this pattern...I fall back into talking to him the same way I did for 27 years....bad and good.  3 to 5 hours of therapy a week does not get rid of that.  The best article I read was that I cycled through the stages of grief thinking they ended there rather than accepting they evolved and changed and may come back.  I laughed at every article that said that you need 1 year for every 5 years of marriage.  Where was the article that said 25 years and 5 kids later here is what you need to do?  There are none.  Why has my ex moved on - accepting he had more planning time than I did?  Why does all of this not hurt him as much as it does me?  More importantly - why the hell do I care?  Why does it reduce me to tears and inferiority?

I read an article today that said in a long term marriage, that with divorce and the cycles of grief you had to recognize that you were losing:

"Your partner in building memories and dreams of growing old together Your ally in facing money woes, illness, and even school conferences Your companion to parties, weddings, family celebrations, and IRS audits Your confederate in lovingly outwitting your children Your helpmate who knew just how to unclog the sink, negotiate a car deal, or remember birthdays Your roommate in creating a family home Your forgiving audience to your feeble jokes Your date for Saturday night Your bed mate Your friend. And as you are losing this person, you are also losing: Consistent contact with your children Valued rituals, Inside jokes, The chance to share family memories, Your spouse‟s family and friends, Most of your financial security, Friendships of people who related with you as a couple, Predictability in much of your life, Your sense of personal competence, Maybe even faith that you will love and be loved."

When you file for divorce they should give you this hand out - "oh you have been married for 10, 15, 20, 25 etc..." here you go this is what you may lose.  And they certainly should give it to you when you are served with divorce papers.

"Although the five stages of grieving are necessary for healing, they are not always so clear cut and concise. Most divorcing persons move through the stages more than once (and not necessarily in precisely the same order), sometimes experiencing more than one at the same time. However, you can be comforted by knowing the stages and by your ability to recognize what you‟re feeling and when. You should be heartened to know that with pain comes healing." IF you are impatient like me - moving through this process is just hard - damn hard.

"What we grieve for is not the loss of a grand vision, but rather the loss of common things, events, and gestures. Ordinariness is the most precious thing we struggle for. --Irena Kelpfisz"

Life gets better day by day and actually moment by moment.  Set backs happen.  Some days you curse out the world and others those you love.  But until you have walked one minute in my shoes....